


be the knight

by corybanticGloom (lalune_et_lesetoiles)



Series: have the time of your life. [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Trans Dave, Xeno, davekat - Freeform, meteor crew, smut later on, trans!Dave
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 18:58:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 38,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3661335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalune_et_lesetoiles/pseuds/corybanticGloom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>where dave takes a little while to figure things out and gamzee is a cliche bad guy and karkat is adorable and yells. mostly fluff. vague on the plot. sprinkles of smut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. be the knight.

**Author's Note:**

> hey hey so this really just fluff headcanons I have for davekat tied very loosely together by a vague plot. It takes place after the most recent update (1/19/15) and it's meteorcrew because I am a cliche. apologies in advance for any spelling/grammar muck ups, I've been writing this on the subway without spellcheck or a beta (poor choices, i know). by the way, you don't know shame until an old woman on public transportation looks at you in complete terror after watching you type out "tenta-dick". 
> 
> anyway, yeah, this was a fun way for me to pass time while commuting so hopefully y'all enjoy.
> 
> check me at corybanticgloom.tumblr.com yo

holy fuck, you are uncomfortable. you should never have to wake up on something so fucking lumpy, stuffed arms poking you in the ribs and shit. and good god, why do you have so little space? it's too early for this. you open your eyes, cool kid shades helping your pupils adjust to the light, but see nothing but grey. oh, shit, you fell asleep watching a movie with karkat, again, and the asshole's hogging the entire smuppet pile. his stupid troll shit is still playing, too, uncomfortable make-out noises emitting from the husktop that one of you kicked over onto the floor at some point. 

"yo, dude, wake the fuck up. how long have we been here?" you ask, stretching out your limbs into his space, purposefully knocking into him with a little extra force. 

"FUCK OFF, DAVE. YOU FELL ASLEEP FIRST." he pushes back.

"and you just let me snooze next to you, cuddled up next to me when you were feeling sleepy?" you ask, deadpan.

"DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF, DOUCHEBAG. IT'S NOT LIKE EITHER OF US HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO." he rolls his eyes, reaching to grab his computer off the floor. 

"nah bro, i've got plans today. real responsibilities. i'm a busy guy." you boast.

"OH YEAH? AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? DRAWING SOME MORE OF YOU SWEET WHATEVER AND BRO JEFF ABOMINATIONS?" he raises an eyebrow. 

"aw, karkat, don't butcher the name like that. i know you read it. huddled up over that laptop, giggling into the night like it's some ten year old girl sleep over dream. but anyway, i'm meeting up with rose." you tell him.

"DON'T GO BOTHER TEREZI, DAVE. I CAN'T HANDLE ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR BULLSHIT FIGHTS. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THOSE WITH HER MYSELF." he groans. 

"dude, i said i was going to see rose, damn. can't even trust me?" you retort, but you can't blame him. when you first got on this damn meteor, you and tz got on real well. had a pretty good thing going on, you thought. karkat wasn't too thrilled about it, and you two fought pretty much constantly. he got over it or bored or some shit at some point though. his taunts and strifes turned into movie marathons and programming contests. 

then tz started that weird blackrom/redrom switcheroo thing trolls seems so fucking fond of with creepy spider girl. karkat thought it was fucking hilarious. you dropped her pretty fast, but you might still have some sore feelings. especially with vriska constantly facilitating drama. 

"WHATEVER, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, JUST DON'T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN SHE KNOCKS YOUR SHAME GLOBES IN" he spits out, avoiding your gaze.

"one more time, i'm on my way to rose" you reiterate, hopping down off the smuppets. you can pretty much promise you'll never cry to karkat about jack shit. little fucker would get too much satisfaction.  
...  
it was honestly idiotic to expect something more from this goddamn three year meteor trip. its just, at the time, it seemed like one hell of a better option than all those time shenanigans, all those dead mother fucking daves. at this point, you guess you kind of pride yourself on horrible predictions of the future. as much as you'd pretended to protest it, you'd been just as excited about the start of sburb. finally meeting your friends? getting to show off your new raps to john in person, and on his god damned birthday? hell yeah, that sounded awesome. nice prediction there, dave. sburb turned out real well, didn't it? damn good thing you didn't turn out to be the seer. 

"Dave? Dave. Earth to Dave." As if on cue, there she is, Rose Lalonde, Seer of Light in the flesh.

"oh rose what's up i was just doodling but i'm all ears if you've got something more important for me to do, maybe take me down to that lab of yours you and kanaya are always all holed up in. i got some sick drawings to show off i'm sure kanaya would love them" you offer, motioning to your ever-growing collection of karkat stick figures riding penises. 

"While your artistic talent never ceases to impress me on a psychoanalytic level, I just came here to pick up some supplies for the lab. I ran into Terezi on the way down here- she wanted me to extend an invitation to Can Town" Rose says off-handedly, pulling various food items from shelves. 

"word, i've been meaning to catch up with the mayor, haven't seen that little dude in days. or maybe what feels like days, kinda losing track of time in the dark here. how longs it been since we took off? you and your girlfriend are keeping track aren't you?" you ask, smirking. 

"She's not my girlfriend" she blushes, "but yes, she has been keeping track. It's been a little over a year. I have to say, even I have stopped worrying about the days. It get's a bit... depressing."

"shit, man, i just wanna see john again."

"It would be nice to see a few new faces." rose admits.

"like y'all would even come out of your bedroom if we were anywhere else. you'd still be all locked away, making sex eyes at each other, groping around to see what alien pu-" she, predictably, cuts you off with a forceful palm to your face. if you thought her words were sharp over the internet, shit if it wasn't worse when she replaced them with her fists.  
...  
not that you'd ever tell rose or anything, but you'd kind of been avoiding Can Town. 

"D4V3 WH3R3 H4V3 YOU B33N? VR1SK4 4ND I H4VE SOM3 M4JOR PL4NS 7H3 M4YOR N33DS YOU TO APPROV3. D1R3CT YOUR ATT3NT1ON TO SECTORS ON3 4ND S3V3N" It seems like Terezi has been waiting for you, arm outstretched towards the areas of Can Town that, apparently, need your approval. damn, she looks good like that. this girl can say the stupidest shit, and you're stomach is still doing flip-flops. fuck.

"yeah man let's take a fuckin look. woah woah there's a lot of spiders over here crawling by the library seems like maybe that's gonna freak all the kids out, send em home screaming to their parents wetting their beds at night and shit" the mayor is nodding at you furiously- you mentally high five yourself for not coming off as desperate as you feel. 

"BUT 1F W3 MOV3D TH3 MONUM3NT OF TERROR TO TH3 ADULT D1STR1CT WH3R3 WOULD W3 PUT THE L3G1SLAC3R4TORS?" she's up all close to you, pointing her adorable little finger into your chest.

"i dunno man i feel like maybe it's a better idea if we just draw some more trees and shit. maybe ask the mayor to poll the citizens. hey mayor, take a count, more spiders or more trees? hm, looks like he's saying trees tz. guess there's nothing we can do" you realize a little too late that it was probably not the best idea to immediately bulldoze the spiders and set off to work on your park, but the mayor is right behind you again handing you chalk. that's one supportive dude. you've got to remember to give him a hug later. 

"D4V3 YOU C4N'T K33P DO1NG TH1S" mayor or no mayor, tz isn't one to let your bullshit slide

"drawing trees? they're really helping the mayor's approval rate tz, you don't want him falling behind in ratings do you?" 

"1 SW34R TO GOG YOU'R3 3X4CTLY L1K3 K4RK4T SOM3TIM3S. W3 K1SS ON3 T1M3 4ND YOU BOTH H4V3 M3 P1NN3D DOWN IN YOUR R3D QU4DR4NTS. 1S 17TSO H4RD FOR YOU TO SHUT UP 4ND G3T ALONG W1TH H3R FOR T3N M1NUT3S" yup, there she is, seeing right through your bullshit. probably that whole seer thing again. just your fucking luck to get stuck with two of them. 

"im just re-zoning here, gotta keep the mayor happy. spiders make this little dude sad, can't you tell?" 

she's gone before your finish your sentence. there's some cackling from the hallway, and you know it's vriska. of fucking course she had her girlfriend out there, listening. it's shit like this that makes you wonder if you ever would have worked out, anyway. 

"fuck" you say, letting yourself collapse onto the ground, "mayor, just draw on me. draw me the fuck into this town. i'm a residential plot now, i'm staying here the rest of the goddamn trip"

the mayor looks anxiously between you and his chalk before resolving to draw some shitty houses on your face. his adorably light touch is ticklish as hell, a mercy by the universe distracting you from this mother fucking situation. 

"YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT, STRIDER"

you'd know that voice anywhere.

"karkat. have you finally been enlightened about the joys of can town? come on. get down here. mayor, grab a new box of chalk, karkat wants to help you turn my arms into a garden"

"WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON THE FLOOR COVERED IN COLOR DUST"

"dude it's called chalk you've really got to get a handle on these basic human words"

"FUCK OFF NOOK SUCKER. I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVEN BOTHERED TO COME ALL THE FUCKING WAY DOWN HERE"

"why did you come down here kitkat? thought you had an aversion to fun"

"MY FUCKING BAD, I DIDN'T REALIZE LAYING ON THE FLOOR WHILE SOME FUCKING CARAPACE SCRIBBLES ON YOUR BODY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD TIME."  
"better than watching those troll porno films you try to pass off as rom coms bro"

"THEY AREN'T PORNOGRAPHY YOU UNCULTURED WRIGGLER. ILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT MY KNOWLEDGE OF THE QUADRANTS IS EXPANDING EVERY DAY, AND WITH THE AID OF ROSE'S PSYCHO WHATEVER I AM CLEARLY ON THE WAY TO BECOMING THE FUCKING RELATIONSHIP WHISPERER"

"yeah and it seems to be working fucking wonders for your personal life"

"PUT A FOOT WARMER IN YOUR NUTRITION CHUTE, STRIDER. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE DOING MUCH BETTER. DO I HAVE TO FUCKING REMIND YOU THAT YOU'RE ON THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW"

he isn't wrong. you sigh, brushing the mayor's hand affectionately away from your face so you can sit up.

"i finally understand that whole shipping grid business of yours though, when you were all trying to schedule out our relationship with terezi, bro. she all kinds of makes you care more than you want to." probably you shouldn't have said that out loud, especially to fucking karkat, but it's a little too late now. 

"PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER STRIDER. I TOLD YOU NOT TO BOTHER HER THIS MORNING." his words are as venomous as ever, but he actually steps over a few can towers to sit down across from you. he's kind of in the middle of the school playground which is freaking the mayor out, but you let it slide. 

"why are you here dude you avoid Can Town even more than i do" you ask quickly, trying to regain your cool kid composure back. 

"I'VE BEEN IN THE LAB WITH KANAYA ALL DAY. SHE AND ROSE HAVE BEEN WORKING ON FIGURING OUT WHAT THE FUCK JOHN WAS DOING ON THIS METEOR. ROSE AND TEREZI REMEMBER SOME SHIT FROM OUR OTHER METEOR TRIP. THEIR OTHER METEOR TRIP? FUCK I DON'T EVEN KNOW AT THIS POINT, I'M SO SICK OF TIME BULLSHIT" he looks about as frustrated as you feel.

"shit bro, have they been writing stuff down in that book? are we supposed to be looking at how we fucked up last time around, making changes and shit?" you're not entirely thrilled about that prospect, you'd rather not know how you could have messed up harder than you are right now. 

"YEAH THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT US TO DO. LET ME FUCKING TELL YOU, IT'S THRILLING TO SEE WHAT SHITTY DECISIONS WE ALL MADE IN SOME ALTERNATE BULLSHIT TIMELINE." he's on the verge of getting into one of those heated arguments with himself, you can tell. 

"what shenanigans did we get up to? was it just as much of a makeout fest as it was in this bullshit timeline?" you hope your questions steers him away from his tirade towards a more constructive discussion.

"I STOPPED READING AFTER I READ THAT WE ALL STARTED FUCKING DATING GAMZEE. MURDEROUS MOTHERFUCKING CLOWN WITH HIS CRAZY MOTHERFUCKING RELIGION."

"woah woah what do you mean all of us bro was i all up in the vents shagging that purple dude?" shit you don't want that to be true.

"NO, STRIDER, YOU WERE LOVESICK OVER YOUR FAILED MATESPRITESHIP WITH TEREZI IN EVERY GODDAMN TIMELINE. IT WAS ME AND HER CRAWLING AROUND IN THERE, GETTING OUR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP ON WITH SOMEONE WHO KILLED OUR BEST FUCKING FRIENDS. CAN'T SAY SHE'S MUCH DIFFERENT IN THIS TIMELINE THOUGH, FUCKING WITH VRISKA. AT LEAST SHE ISN'T GETTING BLACKROM SMACKED AROUND BY A FUCKING JUGGALO I GUESS." sitting didn't last too long for karkat. it never does. he's up and pacing, hands shaking in his typical angry panic. 

"shit dude, that's pretty embarrassing. you're the one who decreed that no one could talk to that honking creep in our timeline too, it's got to suck to know how bad you fucked up last time around just because vriska wasn't here." it's stupid, but it makes you feel better when he looks at you like he's about to rip your throat out. 

"DO I HAVE TO FUCKING REMIND YOU THAT YOU'RE THE ONE ON THE FLOOR COVERED IN CHALK IN BOTH TIMELINES" that acid voice is just about the only constant you've got on this rock 

"look bro, i taught you the word chalk. it took almost a year, but shit, you're learning. maybe we should enroll you in grub school or something. i'll alchemize you a desk, get my teacher on, help you learn all about the human world we're about to enter once we get to the new session." it's hard not to smile when he looks so pissed off. 

"FUCK YOU STRIDER. FUCKING FORGIVE ME FOR EVEN ATTEMPTING TO HAVE A SERIOUS CONVERSATION WITH YOU." he's about to storm out, but you stop him, hopping up and flash stepping in front of the door. 

"karkles i didn't realize you were so serious about this shit. come on dude, chill out, come draw some houses." 

"I *REALLY* AM NOT INTERESTED IN JOINING YOUR PITY PARTY DAVE. I'VE JUST BEEN READING THIS GODDAMN BOOK AND SAW ALL THESE SHITTY DRAWINGS KANAYA HAS OF YOU AND I HANGING OUT AND BUILDING SHIT IN THE ALTERNATE TIMELINE AND THOUGHT FOR ONE IDIOTIC SECOND THAT IT WOULD BE NICE TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO ISN'T DEAD OR MAKING OUT WITH THEIR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. I SEE NOW THAT I WAS MISTAKEN. BIG FUCKING SURPRISE, PAST KARKAT FUCKS UP AGAIN" 

"dude literally all you and i do is hang out."

"AND I GET TO LISTEN TO YOU BITCH ABOUT TEREZI. YOU DON'T THINK I FELT SHITTY ABOUT THAT TOO DAVE? WHEN SHE PULLED THE SAME LITERAL SHIT WITH ME? JESUS CHRIST DIDN'T I EVEN FUCKING TELL YOU NOT TO COME DOWN HERE TODAY? DON'T YOU WANT TO BE PRODUCTIVE? OR AT LEAST FUCKING GET YOUR OWN PERSONAL SHIT TOGETHER? YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK THIS, YOU WANT TO SIT HERE FOR THE NEXT SWEEP AND A HALF, YOU GO FOR IT."  
this time when he tries to brush past you, you don't stop him.

the mayor is looking at you with this wide eyed terror. he hates it when you all fight. it hasn't been easy trying to figure out what trips the little guy out, but from his frantic drawings you've been able to decipher that the mayor has seen a whole lot of his friends get killed. that whole business with jack on skaia. 

"hey dude, don't worry, we're not going to fight or anything. just a little disagreement is all." you smile at him. he's one of the few people you bother smiling at anymore, but shit if it isn't worth it to see him triumphantly put his hands on his hips and continue scribbling clouds all over the wall. 

"i've missed hanging out with you, mayor. it's gotta be rough for you chillin with those chicks all the time. i bet they're making out all over your city." he looks at you with understanding eyes. eyes that have seen too much. 

"i'll start hanging out here more, dude. karkat is right, i've got to get over this bullshit with terezi. maybe that's what screwed us over last time, that we were all so caught up in this relationship bullshit." you know you're talking more to yourself than to the mayor, but you also know you're right. you've barely spent any time training this past year, and none of you have bothered to come up with even a vague plan for the new session. 

"no more fucking around, mayor, i'm kicking this meteor into action"  
...  
"D1D YOU R34LLY N33D 7O DR4G US 4LL DOWN H3R3 COOL K1D" 

"could have at least picked somewhere niiiiiiiicer for us to congreg8" 

"kanaya, you brought that book down right?" you ask, ignoring everyone's protests. 

"Yes, Dave. Here."

"you all have been working on figuring out our doomed timeline right? but we're not doing jack shit about it. i'm not saying i know what we should be doing or anything, but shit, doing nothing is just going to get us all killed again, right? john and i can't keep time travelling to save the goddamn universe, you guys. we've got to get it right on one of our timelines." you hope someone else takes the lead from here, because that was pretty much the extent of your plan. asking them to figure out a fucking plan. 

"FOR FUCKING ONCE SOMEONE ON THIS ROCK HAS A GOOD IDEA. MAYBE IF YOU GIRLS WOULD HOP OFF EACH OTHER FOR FIVE MINUTES, WE COULD GET SOMETHING ACCOMPLISHED"

"SHU7 17 V4NT4S, L1K3 W3 H4VEN'7 B33N 7H3 ONLY ON3S F1GUR1NG OU7 HOW 7H3 H3LL W3 M3SS3D UP L4S7 7IM3 4ROUND."

"As much as I h8 to admit it, Strider is r8ght. You scallyw8gs have to get it together! We've coll8cted all this inform8tion on the failed timeline. What's w8ting for us in the new session? How to we b8 it? Lalonde, Terezi. Come on. What do you have for us. I'll come up with a battle str8tegy." vriska is the last person you expect to jump on board your plan, but maybe that's why you all failed without her. she might have stolen you girl, but she's got spunk. which, ironically, is probably how she managed to steal your girl. 

"I haven't been able to see anything from after the meteor. At least not yet. Have you, Terezi?" Rose is as calm and collected as ever. 

"NOP3. 1 TH1NK W3 ALL KNOW TH3R3S SOM3 STUFF W3 SHOULNT B3 DO1NG ON TH3 M3TEOR, THOUGH. SHOULD W3 G3T 1N7O TH4T, COOLKID?"  
"OH, FUCK, THIS IS GOING TO BE A SHIT SHOW"

"I'm Not Exactly Thrilled About This Either, Karkat, But I Don't Disagree. We Can't Let Ourselves Be Killed In This New Session. There Are Certainly Things We All Should Be Working On While Rose And Terezi Continue To Investigate Our Alternate Doomed Timeline" you can't help but think about how awesome kanaya is when she jumps in like this and calms karkat right the fuck down. you don't really understand the whole quadrant catastrophe, but you think maybe she'd make a good moirail for that dude, if she wasn't always canoodling with rose. 

"so uh should we go ahead and figure out what kind of stuff we should be avoiding or what" you ask.

"Well, terezi has managed to bring me back, so i'm automatically making things b8tter. i'm guaranteed to help with b8ttle str8tegy when we figure out what we're walking into in the new session" vriska smirks, hand on terezi's shoulder. you swallow down your jealousy. 

"NON3 OF US AR3 D4T1NG G4MZ33. 1, UH, 4PP4R3NTLY L3T H1M P3RSU4D3 M3 1NTO R3STOR1NG MY S1GHT 1N TH3 OTH3R T1M3L1N3. 1 WON'T F4LL PR3Y TO TH4T BULLSH1T TH1S T1M3 AROUND." terezi is grinning, like always, ever-boasting about her role in making this timeline the alpha timeline. even though it was really alternate future terezi's doing. whatever. 

"And I won't start, er, indulging in alcohol" rose blushes as kanaya giggles beside her.

"woah rose, you were drinking in the other timeline?" you're honestly pretty shocked. rose has a vendetta against alcohol, what with her mom's alcoholism and all. 

"That bit of information just started coming back to me." rose admits.

"1 H34R 1T ST4RT3D COM1NG B4CK WH3N YOU K1SS3D K4N4Y4 FOR TH3 F1RST TIM3" terezi still has that adorable smile plastered on her face. rose and kanaya seem, for once, a bit speechless, but karkat's always there to fill silence.

"GREAT GUYS. WE HAVE ONCE AGAIN DERAILED INTO SLOPPY MAKEOUT SESSIONS. WHAT A GREAT GRUB SUCKING CONVERSATION. LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE FIGURED OUT HERE? ROSE AND TEREZI, CONTINUE LEARNING ABOUT THE NEW SESSION. KANAYA, CONTINUE TRANSCRIBING THAT SHIT. EVERYONE CONTINUE LEAVING GAMZEE ALONE IN THE VENTS. VRISKA, CONTINUE BEING ALIVE. DAVE, YOU AND I CAN CONTINUE TO FUCK AROUND BEING COMPLETELY FUCKING USELESS. WOW, WHAT A GREAT FUCKING MEETING. SO MUCH HAS CHANGED BECAUSE OF THIS. BREAK." 

he storms out on you for the second time today, this time with his sickles out. he, at least, has the right idea there. you two don't seem to have the most important roles in terms of planning or leading right now. might as well bone up on your knight skills, so you can at least be vaguely useful in the new session. 

everyone tapers off after this, leaving you alone with rose. 

"so rose, did you actually kiss kanaya?" you ask, desperately wanting to change the topic from this shitty meeting.  
"Vriska convinced her to ask me on a date. I know that you aren't having the easiest time with that situation, but honestly Dave, I have surmised that we would all be significantly worse off without her presence." 

"don't have to tell me about that rose im all kinds of okay with them. if they want to get their tongues all up in each other's business who am i to stop true troll love? what is troll business like, anyway?" you really have been wondering. 

"I'm not really interested in pandering to your defense mechanisms right now, Dave. However, I think we are both aware that you need to get over this Terezi thing in order for us to be a cohesive team once we enter the new session" she sighs. 

"don't worry sis, the mayor already sat me down and we hashed this shit out. had a nice long talk about it. little dude set me straight." 

"Dave, the mayor doesn't talk"

you walk out instead of responding. have to maintain the cool kid composure, after all.  
....  
you walk in without knocking on purpose, hoping to find him in a compromising position. as usual, he's perched over his husktop watching some troll movie for probably the hundredth time. 

"DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING KNOCK STRIDER? WHAT IF I WAS DOING SOMETHING PRIVATE?"

"you mean watching this troll on troll skin flick garbage isnt private? shit kitkat what the fuck kind of kinky shit do you get up to in your alone time then?"

"THAT'S NOT MY FUCKING NAME. JUST TELL ME WHY YOU'RE HERE SO WE CAN GET THIS OVER WITH AND I CAN GET BACK TO MY MOVIE." he sounds less angry than usual, more defeated. You take out your strife specibus and he gives you an exasperated look. 

"thought we could get some practice in today. everyone else is working their asses off. well, except the juggalo dude. i mean, i guess he could be working on something. i bet it's pretty sinister though. don't think juggalo bro is really about helping us out in the new session." you pause, expecting some sort of half-assed insult or a sickle to the throat. it never comes.

"YEAH. NO. YOU'RE RIGHT. WE'RE FUCKING PATHETIC, JUST DICKING AROUND LIKE THIS, LIKE A BUNCH OF GRUBS." he doesn't move to join you, though. 

"you know, standing up and having your weapon out is a pretty important part of training. it'd be all kinds of easy to stab you right now, bro." you gesture at him with your sword, and he brushes it away. 

"COULD WE JUST. FUCK. COULD WE JUST WATCH THE REST OF THIS MOVIE OR SOMETHING FIRST?" he doesn't look at you as he says it. he's never actually asked you for anything before. you swallow the string of taunts that come to your mind, and try to reply without pissing him completely off.

"you love attempting to kick my ass vantas. what's up with you?" nailed it. barely any snark there. 

"NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS." he presses play on his husktop, avoids your gaze.

"i don't know man, you just invited me to watch this porno movie with you, kinda seems like it's my business" you don't want him to think you're being a total dick, though, so you put away your sword and plop down next to him. 

"HOW IS IT SO EASY FOR YOU TO BE COMPLETELY USELESS" he says, still refusing to look at you. 

"shit karkat really just trying to hit me where it fucking hurts" you say it like a joke, but the truth of it actually fucking blows. 

"BEING A KNIGHT IS PRETTY FUCKING POINTLESS WHEN THERE'S NO ONE TO FIGHT. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PATHETIC IT IS THAT WE COULDN'T KEEP EVERYONE ALIVE IN OUR DOOMED TIMELINE? THAT WE FUCKING NEED VRISKA TO DO IT? VRISKA, PSYCHOPATHIC TROLL GIRL WHO KILLED MY BEST FRIEND AND STOLE OUR GIRLFRIEND. SHE'S THE ONE WHO SAVES US. LEADER KARKAT FUCKING VANTAS, FUCKING UP AGAIN. AND KNIGHT OF TIME DAVE STRIDER ISN'T EVEN THE ONE TO CHANGE THE TIME LINE, SHITSTAIN JOHN EGBERT FILLS THAT ROLE" if he seemed defeated before, he's seething now. a nice long hate-rant at himself always seems to do that. 

"i'm sorry she killed your friend, bro." you know that wasn't the point of his whole speech, but the rest of it hits a little too close to home for you to comment on. this seems to snap him out of his self loathing spiral. 

"TROLLS... DIE ALL THE FUCKING TIME. HALF OF MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD, OR FLOATING THROUGH THE VOID SOMEWHERE IN SOME HALF-DEAD BULLSHIT I DON'T UNDERSTAND." finally, he makes eye contact. you don't really know what to do, so you look back at the movie, and he settles into silence next to you.

"so uh who's this troll dude with all the muscles? wasn't he just macking on that other guy? what's up with this chick?" the movie is pretty fucking confusing.

"I'M NOT EXPLAINING THE ENTIRE FIRST HALF OF THE MOVIE TO YOU STIDER, JUST SHUT YOUR NUTRITION CHUTE AND WATCH" 

"dude what the fuck is going on inside his pants" 

he slaps a hand over your eyes, getting his fingerprints all the fuck over your shades

"YOU'RE NOT READY TO SEE THIS PART YET."

"dude, it's an actual troll porn scene isn't it"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP"  
...  
fighting karkat is nothing like fighting bro. 

bro is lightning fast. he stays the fuck out of sight until -wham- there's lil cal in your face. fighting bro is a lot less like fighting, and a lot more like getting tossed around between a creepy puppet and a sword while some blonde dude with anime hair laughs at you. 

not that fighting with karkat is easy. he's fast, too, but in a less ominous stepping out from the fucking shadows way. he's a hell of a lot less calm than bro is. every move he makes seems to be fueled with this satisfied anger, limbs everywhere, relentless. 

you're getting better at flashstepping. you kind of have to, if you want to avoid his wild sickle strikes. he's stronger than you though. when he get's a hit in that you actually have to block, it's a strain on your arms to throw him back off of you. 

that's the position he has you in now. he's smarter than you gave him credit for. he knows your power is in your ability to flashstep, so he's got you backed into a corner, his sickle raised above your head, aimed at your shoulder, bearing down on your sword. 

"I CAN FEEL YOU SHAKING, STRIDER. GIVE THE FUCK UP. I BEAT YOU." he hisses it out between gritted teeth. you can tell he's using a hell of a lot of energy keeping you cornered like this. 

"you wish, kitkat." you try to throw him off by hitching your leg around his knee, but you're both out of practice and it ends with him falling a bit into you. You both drop your weapons in an effort to not actually stab each other, but his claws end up digging pretty deeply into your shoulder. He realizes you're bleeding before you do. 

"COVER UP YOUR MUTANT BLOOD, STRIDER, YOU'RE GETTING IT ALL OVER ME" karkat spits. he's halfway across the room in an instant, wiping your blood off his nails. 

"dude, you've got a weird thing about blood, you've got to chill out." it's honestly not all that much blood. the little fuck did rip your shirt, though. 

"YOU SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TERRIFIED OF BEING CULLED OVER YOUR BLOOD COLOR AND THEN TELL ME TO CHILL BULGE LICKER" he's doing that shaking thing he does when he's really flipping out. you figure it's not the best time for him to have a full on panic attack, so you cover your scratches with your hand and take a couple steps toward him.

"you're the one who created an entire universe modeled after your mutant blood" you tell him, wondering how the hell you can get him to stop freaking out. 

"FUCK YOU DAVE. I'M GOING BACK TO MY RESPITE BLOCK. TRY NOT TO BLEED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE TOMORROW." he's gone and still shaking, but he wasn't pissed enough to call off your training tomorrow. nice, strider. you're basically the troll whisperer. 

better go see rose about some first aid though. damn are his claws sharp.  
...  
"These aren't terribly bad cuts. A little antiseptic and you'll be fine. It might be advantageous to put some sort of a cloth over them though, especially if you're going to continue to spar with Karkat." Rose says, pouring some sort of alcohol over your wound. fuck , that burns. 

"can't believe how sharp those claws are. how the fuck does that work for you and kanaya?" you don't expect her to answer, and she doesn't. 

"Actually, Dave, I have something a bit sensitive to discuss with you. It's about Gamzee." her voice is low as she says this. 

shit, a secret about that fucking juggalo. that can't be good.

"shit, a secret about that fucking juggalo. that can't be good" 

"Vriska and I haven't consulted the others about this yet. We were worried that both Kanaya and Terezi might get a bit too worked up over it. But I've been helping Vriska attempt to look into her doomed timeline. It's a bit convoluted, but we have reason to believe that Gamzee is somehow involved with Lord English. We're honestly not sure how, but we've been think it might be beneficial if we can find him. She has me working on the recipe for sopor slime. She is under the impression that if we can find him and intoxicate him again, he will be less inclined to partake in his murderous tendencies" 

"why don't we just kill him"

"I've thought about it. But I'm not sure that is something the alpha timeline would allow for. That's why I'm telling you, and not the other trolls. They would likely try to kill him. I'm positive Kanaya would. However, I'm getting relatively close to creating the sopor slime. We need someone to drag the clown out of the vents. Vriska suggested you, and I agree that you are probably the best option" she's smiling at you like you have a choice, but you know you don't.

"why doesn't vriska just do it. she's got that mind control business going for her" you really, really don't want to chase a clown in the goddamn vents.

"Vriska has been somewhat aloof about that. I've theorized that he either has a particularly negative relationship with her, or she just doesn't want to crawl through the vents." can't blame a girl for not wanting to crawl through vents. 

"i'll ask karkat to come with me. he and clown bro used to be pretty close. maybe they'll get all nostalgic and have some adorable vent makeouts." you feel a little irritated and you aren't sure why

"i didn't realize you thought about karkat making out so often, dave. how considerate of you." 

"what" 

"ATT3NT1ON M3T3OR DW3LL3RS. W3 4R3 4PPRO4CH1NG 4 M1NOR DR34M BUBBL3. PR3P4R3 YOURS3LV3S" terezi's voice over the loudspeaker system seems more grating today than usual. 

you never do get a response from rose.  
...  
you spend the majority of this dream bubble wandering aimlessly, leaving your hilarious ebubbles floating around. it's about as uneventful as a dream bubble can get, at least for you. you prefer the ones where you run into that little troll kid with the huge horns. he's the most anxious guy you've ever met, even more anxious than karkat, but dude can spit some sick fires from time to time. or at least some fires. you haven't had much legitimate competition in awhile and you're losing your ability to judge. 

you've been vaguely trying to direct yourself towards karkat's respite bl- room. towards his room. but it can get a bit confusing with all the different dreambubble landscapes. still, when the meteor exits the bubble you're at least in the general viscinity. time to talk to a troll about a clown.  
you probably should have knocked this time. 

the kid is looking even more disheveled than when he left earlier. he's talking to himself and pacing when you open the door and it takes him a few seconds to notice you there. he can't seem to stop the tremors running through his body, and fuck if you've ever seen eyes quite that terrified before. except that you have, on him. he could probably go for some xanax or valium or something. 

"WHAT THE *FUCK* HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT JUST WALTZING YOUR RETARDED ASS IN HERE UNANNOUNCED? I'M BUSY. I DON'T NEED YOU OPENING MY DOOR WHEN I'M CLEARLY IN THE MIDDLE OF SHIT, NOOKSTAIN." he's real pissed off. you almost feel like a dick. almost.

"damn kitkat didn't realize you were in such a deep conversation with yourself. i've got some orders from high command that i'm supposed to share with you, but if you're all in the middle of something more important, be my guest, i'll come back later." you really hope he doesn't take you up on that.

"I *AM* HIGH COMMAND. HAS EVERYONE FUCKING FORGOTTEN THAT?" he pauses, sighs, and continues, "WHAT THE FUCK DOES VRISKA WANT?" 

"maybe we should talk about it later dude. you seem pretty worked up over this dream bubble shit, and it's kind of a sensitive topic" you step all the way into his room at this point, prepared to watch some dumb movie with him until he can get his shit together.

"GREAT, MORE SHIT GOING WRONG. I JUST HAD TO LISTEN TO FUCKING HALF DEAD SOLLUX DESCRIBE HOW MANY OF MY FUCKING DOOMED TIMELINE FRIENDS ARE BEING SLAUGHTERED BY ENGLISH. I'M SURE SOME OF MY DEAD FRIENDS FROM THE ALPHA TIMELINE ARE GOING TO GET ANNIHILATED BY THIS PSYCHOPATH TOO. WHICH SHOULDN'T EVEN PHASE ME, THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD, RIGHT? DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHY I BOTHER CARING ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE BEING MORE DEAD. OR ALIVE PEOPLE BEING DEAD. EVERYONE DIES IN THE FUCKING GAME, RIGHT? SO WHO THE FUCK CARES IF ALPHA TIMELINE TAVROS GETS OBLITERATED. FUCK ME FOR WANTING SOLLUX TO STAY ON THE METEOR AND STAY HALF ALIVE RIGHT? DOESN'T REALLY MATTER IN SGRUB. EVERYONE DIES, RIGHT? HERE I FUCKING GO AGAIN, WORRYING ABOUT PROBLEMS THAT LITERALLY CAN'T BE SOLVED. LET'S JUST MAKE THINGS AS SHITTY FOR YOURSELF AS POSSIBLE, KARKAT, THAT'S A FUCKING GREAT IDEA" 

you let him talk for awhile, figuring it's probably important to hear what the little dude is so upset about if you want to help calm him down, but the troll takes shit out on himself way too hard. he's so wrapped up in himself that he ignores you walking across the room, but actually stops talking when he feels your hand on his shoulder. 

"dude. shut the fuck up." as you hope, your annoying comment replaces the look of sheer terror on his face with one of resigned indignation.  
"SORRY MY FUCKING DEAD AND DYING FRIENDS ARE BOTHERING YOU, STRIDER" he hisses. literally, hisses. aliens can make the weirdest goddamn noises sometimes. 

"it's not your fault they died, jackass" bam, hit him with the truth. 

"NOT MY FAULT? NOT MY FUCKING FAULT? YEAH, I ONLY PASSED THE FUCK OUT AND LET EVERYONE WANDER OUT OF THE LAB. LET VRISKA WANDER THE FUCK AROUND BY HERSELF, LIKE HER MURDEROUS TENDENCIES WERE JUST ABOUT TO DISAPEAR. ERIDAN TRIED TO KILL SOLLUX BEFORE, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT NOOK SUCKING IDEA TO LET KANAYA GIVE HIM THE POWER OF FUCKING MAGIC. AND FUCKING GAMZEE. THE ONLY THING THAT GIVES ME SOLACE THERE IS KNOWING YOU'RE JUST AS FUCKING RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT CLOWN FUCKERS RAGE SPREE AS I AM." you never really heard what happened to all the trolls. terezi always just vaguely referred to it as "murderstuck" and told you she didn't like talking about it, but that you probably shouldn't play anyone else any ICP videos. 

"sort of sounds like your whole team was fucking crazy. that's not really your fault." you've still got your hand on his shoulder. he shuts up and kind of leans into you for support. 

"SO DID YOU WANT SOMETHING OR DID YOU JUST COME HERE TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A PATHETIC GRUB?" he's still leaning into your hand, but now he looks up at you with those "fuck you" eyes he always throws on. usually that look has you holding back laughter, but when he's standing so close to you, it actually makes you feel a little nervous. or something. definitely something.

"you should probably calm down on the insults towards yourself dude." you squeeze his shoulder a little. you see him struggling with himself- big fucking surprise there- but then his eyes soften a little and he takes a step back. the space between you seems jarring. 

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SEE THE CORPSES OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS" he's actually pretty sincere when he says this. you guess it would be hard not to be. 

"i've seen a lot of dead daves. it kinda fucking sucks. saw my bro, too." you stop talking there. seeing yourself dead is shitty, but there's multiples of you. there was just the one bro. you're really not sure how well you'd have handled seeing your friends dead on top of that. honestly, probably not nearly as well as karkat. 

"I WISH A FEW KARKATS HAD DIED. WE FUCKING DESERVE IT" 

"i dunno man. i don't." 

it's weird for a few minutes again. you try a little harder than usual to to look super stoic behind your glasses while karkat stares up at you from his moody little eyes. 

"SO WHAT *DID* YOU COME HERE FOR?" it seems like a bad idea to answer his question right now. 

 

"i figure we should just talk about it tomorrow. how about you put on one of those movies. or maybe you can chill the fuck out for five minutes and let me show you one of john's favorites. we can laugh our asses off at the shit that little nerd likes" you've got him chuckling, which feels a hell of a lot better than the rest of this conversation. 

you sit down next to him while he fiddles with his husktop. 

"didn't we agree i was choosing the movie" you pap his hand away. fucker was obviously trying to queue up one of his own films.

"YES DAVE, BECAUSE WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW IS TO WATCH A MOVIE THAT YOUR IMBECILE HUMAN FRIEND JOHN ENJOYS." he grabs your pap-ing wrist and continues typing with his free hand. you grab his typing hand and start mashing it against keys. it's not navigating to the movie you want to watch, but it sure as hell is navigating away from the one he wants. essentially a win. 

"FUCK OFF STRIDER. AREN'T I THE ONE HAVING THE SHITTY DAY HERE? LET GO OF MY FUCKING HAND" 

"you keep putting yourself in this situation with me karkat. people might think you're starting to enjoy it. just can't get enough of holding hands with dave strider, ladies man, can you?" 

he swipes his hands free. you forget how strong he is when he's actually trying. 

"JUST PLAY WHATEVER YOU WANT" 

he's essentially pouting, but you get to put on your movie and his arm is still brushing up against yours which now that you think about it definitely doesn't matter. 

after your movie is finished, you agree to watch one of his before heading back to the little tent you've crafted into a bedroom. not because of the arm touching or anything. just because you aren't tired yet.

except that you're completely exhausted and fall asleep with your head leaning against his wall.  
...  
"DO YOU PLAN ON SLEEPING FOR THE REST OF THE SWEEP? I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU ACTUALLY HAD SOME USEFUL INFORMATION TO SHARE WITH ME" 

waking up to karkat hovering over you and yelling is just about as enjoyable as you'd have expected, which is not very. 

"shh dude shut up. fuck my neck hurts." turns out sleeping sitting up isn't all that comfortable. 

"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T FALL ASLEEP IN OTHER PEOPLE'S RESPITE BLOCKS YOU WOULDN'T FEEL SO SHITTY." he's still hovering. rolling over and going back to sleep doesn't seem to be an option. you readjust your glasses- gotta make sure they're perfectly straight- and stand up to stretch. 

"YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE SHIT IN THE MORNING" he's just taunting you now. you don't respond. you know your hair looks great. 

"since you woke me up and shit, are you ready to get down to business? i've got some pretty heavy shit to lay on you" you know you should be a bit more tactful about this, but you really aren't a morning person. 

"ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING USEFUL? HOW UNCHARACTERISTIC OF YOU. YES, MAYBE, AFTER BEING FORCED TO SPEND AN ENTIRE NIGHT NEXT TO AN UNCONCIOUS PILE OF PINK FLESH, I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO TELL ME WHAT ACTUALLY MADE YOU INTERUPT MY OTHERWISE PEACEFUL NIGHT" he's really got to lower is fucking voice so early in the morning. 

"didn't fucking seem like you were all that peaceful. kind of seemed like i was the one to calm you down from your hate spiral." you grumble. 

"JUST SPIT IT THE FUCK OUT." 

"let's see, karkat, let's take a look at this situation. one of your little troll bros is running around all fucking murder bent in the vents and, shit, it turns the fuck out that in our doomed timeline he kills a whole fucking bunch of us when we get to the new session. big surprise there, right? so vriska's gonna have us drag that little shit to the lab and drug him the fuck up so we can go ahead and not get killed by a juggalo." yup, you fucked that up. you wonder if he's gonna have a panic attack or cut you open with his sickles. 

"DRUG HIM?" or, you guess, he could not freak out at all. 

"yeah. some sort of slime. it's supposed to calm him down or something." you're not really sure about the slime. you chalked it up to some alien shenanigans. karkat seems to take it pretty seriously though. he nods, and sits down across from you. your knees are kind of brushing together and it's pretty distracting. or, wait, what? 

"BACK ON ALTERNIA, I WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO GET HIM OFF THE SLIME. AND FAYGO. ALL OF THAT SHIT. I THOUGHT HE'D BE BETTER OFF SOBER. HOW FUCKING TERRIBLE OF A FRIEND AM I TO WANT HIM TO BE AN ADDICT AGAIN?" he's actually asking you, waiting for a response. 

"you're just trying to save the rest of you friends karkat. at least there's something you can do. i'm just fucking around on this meteor, letting rose and john and jade deal with everything." 

"WHY WON'T YOU TIME TRAVEL ANYMORE?" it's a damn good question. 

"time people can kind of just feel when they're supposed to be time traveling, you dig? i'm also not too keen on seeing anymore dead daves. really brings the fucking mood down." 

"AT LEAST YOU HAVE A FUCKING POWER YOU CAN USE. I CAN'T EVEN FLY." this isn't the first time he's complained about flying. 

"i know dude. i bet we find a way for you to go god tier in the new session though. you'll probably get some really sick powers. definitely a cool outfit. not as cool as the cape, though." you really fucking love your cape. 

"WHEN ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIND GAMZEE? WHY US? WHY NOT TEREZI? SHE'S THE ONE WHO STOPPED HIS MURDER SPREE THE FIRST TIME AROUND." he seems pretty pissed about this, like he wanted it to be his job or something. 

"apparently she and kanaya are pretty set on killing the dude if they find him. y'all trolls are pretty murdery in general, what's up with that? have you killed anyone karkles?" you're not sure you want to hear the answer. although, you'll probably all have killed someone by the end of this. do lord english and noir even really count as murder though? if they do, did all the fucking imps? oh shit karkat is talking. 

"SO ANYWAY I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS WHEN THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO GET INTO THE VENTS" okay, cool, you didn't miss the punchline. 

"i guess today. not like we have anything else going on." he'd better let you eat breakfast first.

"I GRABBED SOME FOOD WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING. YOUR DIGESTION CHAMBER KEPT MAKING NOISES WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING" sometimes karkat isn't so bad, you guess. 

"it's called a stomach, bro. gotta get up on your human anatomy." 

"YEAH, I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT." you dont quite understand the tone of voice he's using.  
...  
turns out, you fucking hate vents. heights, fine. lava, fine. seeing dead versions of yourself, fine. vents though? not so fucking fine. you're glad karkat is crawling around ahead of you so he can't see just how not fucking cool you're looking right now. 

"THERE'S BLOOD ALL OVER THIS SECTION. HE MUST'VE DRAGGED THE BODIES THIS WAY." 

"hey karkat is it getting a little hard to breathe?" so not fucking cool. chill out strider, chill the fuck out. 

"IT SMELLS LIKE DEAD TROLLS, THAT'S FOR FUCKING SURE." that's not really what you meant, but the smell of death probably isn't helping. you were a little worried about wearing your binder up here, but you alchemized one that made it pretty easy to breathe. you can even wear that shit while you're fighting, or sleeping, so why not in the vents? apparently because the vents freak you the fuck out. 

"how about we call it for today. drop on out through the nearest exit and pick back up here tomorrow." you're trying to stay calm, but seriously it's hard to breathe. 

"STRIDER, ARE YOU OKAY?" he turns around to look at you. you really wish he didn't fucking do that because you're tearing at your shirt, trying to get more air. "YOU'RE PRETTY FUCKING PALE DAVE. LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" 

he's apparently pretty close to an opening in the vent system. he skuttles forward a few feet and kicks out the grate. 

"IT'S NOT TOO FAR OF A DROP. CAN YOU MAKE IT OR DO I HAVE TO LIFT YOU?" you can tell he's trying not to laugh at how fucking pathetic you are, so you wiggle your way over the the opening and slide out on to the floor. the second you're out, you're tearing off your cape and your shirt trying to get the binder off. you hear him hit the floor behind you. you're completely topless, and he's just fucking staring at you, you can feel it. fuck, fuck, fuck.

"can you just, not look at me dude." you cross your arms over your chest, trying to cover your stupid fucking tits. they got a hell of a lot smaller when you turned godtier and combined with your 100% male-organed derse body, but they're still fucking there and you really, really don't need karkat telling all the trolls you're a girl or some shit. 

"WHY IN EVER LOVING FUCKS NAME ARE YOU NAKED DAVE?" he actually sounds a little concerned. still angry, as usual, but you can tell you kind of scared the shit out of him freaking out like that.

"it uh just got a little hard to breathe bro. it's totally fine. just gonna put my shirt back on." it's kind of all tangled up in your binder though, so you cover yourself up with your cape and turn around all coolkid like. 

"DAVE, I SWEAR I WILL FIGHT YOU RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHY THE FUCK YOU FREAKED OUT AND WHY YOU'RE TOPLESS RIGHT NOW"  
you turn around to face him, still covered in your cape. 

"human thing. i just couldn't breathe for a second. i'd better go. Mayor needed help in can town." you scoop up the remainder of your clothes and sulk back to your makeshift room. 

stupid fucking binder. stupid fucking boobs. you're going to need to find a way to get around this when you get in the vents again.  
...  
you've been moping around in your tent-room for a few days. immediately after your incident with karkat, you went to the alchemizer and attempted to create a binder that had a bit more breathing room than your current one without sacrificing the effect, but it didn't really go very well. you really wish you were going to a universe where surgery would be an option, but you don't really think your teen mom is gonna turn out to be a plastic surgeon.  
shit, you really wish you could stop dwelling on that. on the bright side, you'd been smart enough to get the captcha for your testosterone back when you were still in your apartment. you're pretty sure you'd be going fucking insane if your body started reverting back to its original female form. maybe jade will be able to help you out with her whole witch of space deal, though. maybe. if you ever, you know, told her. 

"DAVE. I'M COMING IN THE TENT." 

you hadn't heard karkat walk up. too busy talking to yourself, you guess. you don't really have time to answer before he's sitting down next to you, though. 

"hey kitkat. what brings you to the illest room on the meteor?" 

"YOU HAVEN'T COME TO ANNOY ME SINCE YOU FREAKED THE FUCK OUT IN THE VENTS. SOMETHING IS ALWAYS HORRIBLY WRONG WITH YOU WHEN YOU AREN'T TRYING TO BOTHER ME." 

shit, that was actually pretty sweet. karkat's talked about a whole lot of shit with you. his mutant blood. his whole "i can't fly" thing. how he feels completely responsible for all his dead friends. and now you're off on this mission with him trying to hunt down the dude who is basically his version of john. maybe you can go ahead and tell him what's going on and he'll be cool about it. 

"so. uh. how much do you know about human anatomy karkat?" thats a classy way to start this whole conversation. 

"OH, GREAT, ANOTHER CONVERSATION SHAMING ME FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING YOUR CULTURE. HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT *MY* ANATOMY?" he's rolling his eyes, and you can't help but fucking laugh at that. 

"no, karkat, not what i'm talking about. trolls have boys and girls, right? two genders? that whole thing?"

"WOW YOU REALLY DO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT OUR CULTURE, DO YOU?"

"eh, probably not man. but anyway, do you ever have, i don't know, a troll who doesn't really fit into the body they develop? like, a troll with boobs and whatever kind of alien chick junk who really is a boy?" 

"WE ACTUALLY KIND OF CHOOSE OUR OWN GENDER AS WE'RE DEVELOPING FROM GRUBS. ALL THE WAY UP INTO OUR TRIALS. I MEAN, SOMETIMES TROLLS CHOOSE NEITHER. OR BOTH. YOU MEAN, HUMANS JUST GET STUCK IN SOME RANDOM BODY AND HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT?" shit, trolls are cool.

"i mean, yeah. there are- used to be?- some ways to change it. hormone therapy. which, i guess we've still got. but there used to be surgery, too. don't have that anymore. unless rose is hiding some really interesting talents." okay, cool, so far, so good. 

"SO, WHAT, YOU WERE FREAKING OUT IN THE VENTS BECAUSE YOU REALIZED HOW INFERIOR HUMANS ARE?" okay, maybe it could be going better. 

"i was having trouble breathing in the vents because of my binder. it, uh, binds my chest. the boobs on my chest. makes them look like they aren't there. so my body looks more masculine." you just came out as trans to a guy who probably has no idea what human boobs even look like. god damn it. 

"IT IS STUFFY UP THERE, WHAT WITH THE STENCH OF MY DECEASED FRIENDS AND ALL. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST TRAIL ME THROUGH THE CORRIDORS TODAY AND ONLY COME UP IF THERE'S A PROBLEM. WOULDN'T WANT YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN LUNGS TO COLLAPSE." he's talking like what you said is totally run of the mill information, but he's got a hand on your thigh. you're surprised, but vantas is actually not so bad at being comforting while still not making you feel like a total dweeb. 

"it's kind of a bigger deal for humans though. especially where i lived. some kids actually get killed for this kind of shit. so just don't go blabbing about it to everyone." 

"LIKE MUTANT BLOOD CULLING ON ALTERNIA. I GUESS OUR PLANETS ARE MORE SIMILAR THAN I ORIGINALLY ANTICIPATED." 

"we should probably head out. rose has the slime all ready. let's get our vent on." 

"I'M SERIOUSLY NOT LETTING YOU BACK IN THERE STRIDER. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO DRAG YOUR WASTE CHUTE OUT IF YOU PASS OUT. YOU CAN WATCH A REAL KNIGHT TAKE DOWN A VILLAIN FROM THE SIDELINES THOUGH, DON'T WORRY." 

you touch his arm as he's pulling it off your thigh, and he actually smiles at you for a second. a year ago, you never would have guessed that the motherfucking troll carcinoGeneticist would be the first person you came out to, nevermind probably your best fucking friend, but if sburb's good at anything it's surprising you.  
...  
you actually are fucking useless, and you're really fucking uncomfortable letting karkat hunt down a murder clown on his own. but here you are, standing by an open grate, waiting for him to pop back out. he said to give him fifteen minutes, but it's nearing nine and you feel like something is going wrong. you didn't wear your binder, just in case you'd have to climb in after him, and now that you think about it that's probably part of why you're so fucking uncomfortable right now. still, you can't shake the feeling that he needs help. you lift yourself up into the vent and begin crawling, focusing on rescuing karkat so that you don't get all anxious again. about three minutes into crawling, you hear a pretty big ruckus and hurry the fuck to it. you swear to god you will murderkill that purple fucking clown if he laid even a finger on karkat. 

"DAVE FUCK THERE YOU ARE I'VE BEEN SCREAMING FOR YOU FOR TEN FUCKING MINUTES WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO FUCKING LONG" he's completely panicking, and you're ready to pull out your strife specibus. 

"where the hell is the clown karkat? i'll fucking kill him."

"HE'S NOT HERE. I UH JUST GOT A BIT STUCK IN THE VENT SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PULL ME THE FUCK OUT. AND IF YOU COULD HURRY THAT'D BE GREAT BECAUSE I'M KIND OF FREAKING THE FUCK OUT" 

you can't even pretend to hold back your laughter. 

"SHUT IT, HUMAN, YOU WERE PANICKING IN A HELL OF A BIGGER VENT THAN THIS JUST A FEW DAYS AGO." 

it's actually relatively easy to get him unstuck, but you both decide it's best to give up for the day. you spend the rest of the evening debating how the fuck the clown troll could still possibly be alive living up there, and deciding to invent some sort of radio system before going back in there.  
...  
"karkles, hand me those screws" 

he hands you a bunch of fucking nails. 

karkat is not the best with technology. not that you are, either, but you've at least picked up a few things from bro. enough to turn the shitty walkie-talkies you guys manage to alchemize into actual functional long distance radios. right now you're just working out a few kinks with the wires, and adding some decor onto the top. karkat obviously wanted a fucking crab, but you opted for the much more sophisticated smuppet ass. gotta keep bro alive somehow.  
you reach for the screws yourself. 

"alright this shit is about finished." you tell him, fixing your radio to your wrist. 

"ARE YOU GOING TO LET ME TRY MINE OR JUST KEEP THIS ALL TO YOURSELF" 

he's been pretty impatient about this whole radio ordeal. you've kind of gotten the impression that he never used a phone or anything before and that he's just thrilled about the opportunity to share his voice with people miles and miles away from him. you're probably unleashing a great evil on the world giving him this crab phone. 

"here, give me your wrist"

you take his hand and wrap the radio strap around it. his hand is surprisingly small, and you have to cut another hole into it so it doesn't slide right off of him. you're holding his hand up to your face admiring your work when you notice him staring at you like you've grown a third head. 

"uh kitkat what's up?" you ask, still holding on to him. 

"FUCK. FUCK. SHIT." he's still cursing as he rips his hand away from you and stalks out of the room. man, he's panicky.  
you give him enough time to get back to his room before you radio him.

"karkat. come in karkat. what the fuck was up with that, karkat. over." 

"GO TO BED STRIDER"

"you have to say over. over."

"GO TO FUCKING BED BEFORE I COME *OVER* AND KICK YOUR ASS"

"eh, close enough. see you tomorrow kitkat." 

he never responds, but you can imagine his grumbling well enough on your own.  
...  
y'all still haven't tested out the phones in the vents yet. karkat's still being kind of weird and avoiding you. whatever. you're feeling pretty bored and shitty, which isn't necessarily new. it's not like there's a plethora of exciting activities for you to engage in here. there haven't even been any dream bubbles the past few weeks to entertain you. you've been writing some raps, but they aren't very inspired, what with literally fucking nothing going on around you. well, except the murder clown, but fuck rapping about that. even the whole terezi situtaion didn't give you and good material for music. it's not like you loved her or anything, you just got a little wrapped up in the prospect of romancing a cool chick and then got even more wrapped up in being pissed off at the way she handled it. being pissed off isn't good for your music. makes you sound like some bullshit eminem impressionist, and no one wants to sound like that abusive prick. you wrote a few hilarious ones about karkat when you started feeling better about tz, but now he's been dodging you. it's like none of these fucks even care about your music. 

you realize you've wandered out of your room. you find yourself doing that, walking around aimlessly, whistling to yourself. you don't really feel like talking to rose right now. you were with her all day yesterday, and the sexual tension between her and kanaya is becoming pretty much unbearable. someone's really gotta make a god damn move there, before you do it for them. what you could really go for is a strife. bro would always be on your case when he saw you in a funk. you figure you've been conditioned to associate sadness with a fight. you decide to force karkat out of is weird little mood, make him fight you. shouldn't be too hard to provoke him. 

he's not in his room, or the lab, or bothering terezi. he's not even in cantown. motherfucker, making you look all hard to find him. you're walking back towards his room to rummage around for clues as to his whereabouts when you remember this spot outside the lab he likes to visit, out on the surface where he can watch the veil whiz by. 

you sneak up there all quiet, trying to get a stealth jump on your bro. he's pretty strong, so you always appreciate being able to get the first hit in. plus it gets him all pissed off, which will never cease to be utterly hilarious. he's making a hell of a lot of noise up here, so it's not hard to find him sitting with his legs dangling over the edge of a crater. 

you stop dead in your tracks when you realize what the he's doing. kid's got headphones on, big black ones. holy fuck, those are your headphones. how the shit did he steal them without you noticing? fuck, no time for this, you can fight him about it later. more importantly: karkat is singing. your first instinct is to embarrass the shit out of him, but he's singing his guts out, and shit if he isn't good. 

you have no idea what song this is. must be a troll thing. half of it's in alternian, and you're fairly certain he's ad libbing the english bits because "Signless" "leader" and "karkat" keep coming up. he's hitting these hautingly high notes that have your stomach bottoming out. you don't have the mind to put your sword away, just stand there dumbfounded. 

he's looking at his hands, singing into them. you can't tell from so far back, but you'd guess he's crying. you've never seen him cry. you don't think it'd be appropriate to call him out on it over this, as much as you'd normally like to. he's shouting into the pitch black sky, and the only words you're catching now are "my fault they're bleeding", and then his name again, loud, desperate, like it's a curse. 

there's a pause. the song must change. he hops to his feet, still facing away from you, staring down the abyss in front of him. he's spitting out words like they're his damn strife specibus, hands in his hair, grasping at his shirt collar, shaking in the darkness, pointing at an unnamed enemy. you're completely fucking mesmerized. until you catch your name thrown in there. it's "strider" first, screamed like he hates you, then "dave", loud, then soft, then desperate. you should not be here. you're doing something fucked up. you have to leave, but your feet won't move. you don't find the courage until the song's over, and he's quiet, and you take a painfully echoing step backwards, panic a little bit, and flashstep the fuck back to your room hopefully before he noticed. 

you're just sitting there, looking at your wall, trying to piece together what the fuck just happened and why you feel so weird about it. it's not like your other friends don't play music. so, karkat's a good singer. a phenomenal singer. the best goddamn singer you may have ever heard, ever. that's cool. and, yeah, he sounds like he hates himself, but that's not really news. your name being in there is a little disconcerting, but he spends most of his time with you, right? you write raps about him. same deal. in that it's no big deal. you can totally pretend this whole fucking thing never went down. but maybe recruit him for a music video when you get to the new session. perfect. 

"DAVE. DAVE FUCKING STRIDER WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM." he's standing at the entrance to your little tent room, fuming, headphones still around his neck.

"hey karkles what's up." you say, all chill like. 

"THAT'S NOT MY FUCKING NAME JESUS CHRIST. AND DON'T PLAY THIS OFF LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. YOU CAN'T JUST FOLLOW ME ALL THE TIME DAVE. I HAVE PRIVATE SHIT THAT I LIKE TO DO ALONE. FUCK OFF." yeah, ok, so he saw you, fuck.

"nah man, it's cool, you listen to my raps all the time. two musical geniuses. let's start a band dude. let's get famous." you try to play this off, calm him down. 

"NO, DAVE, YOU CAN'T JUST PRETEND THIS IS FINE. YOU CAN'T FUCKING FOLLOW ME." 

"you've got a great voice dude, seriously. calm down. oh, and you're welcome for the dope ass headphones" you smirk. 

he grimaces at you, puts them back on over his ears, and stalks out of your tent. you'll let him cool off for a bit then bother him again in a few hours. all this has you in a great fucking mood. 

you walk into his room without knocking, like usual. he's still got your headphones on, jamming out as he scribbles something illegible into a notebook. 

"hey man, whats good" you're expecting him to be over the whole fiasco from earlier by now. 

"DIDN'T I ALREADY TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF TODAY" he sneers, turning off his music. 

"hours ago or some shit. who the fuck can keep track of time here. what the fuck are you writing anyway? is that what alternian looks like? man, english is easier, what the fuck is up with these letters?" you grab for the notebook, but he snatches it back.

"DAVE, FUCKING LEAVE. ONCE AGAIN THIS IS MY PERSONAL SHIT. NOT YOUR SHIT. MY SHIT. CAN YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THINKPAN?" he's actually pissed off, not normal grumpy karkat pissed off. you sit down next to him, trying to diffuse the situation.

"you hear me rap all the time dude. it's no big deal. let's just chill the fuck out, play some pokemon. maybe we get a meteor-wide kareoke tournament going on." maybe it was too soon for the joke. okay, judging by his look, it was way too soon for the joke. 

"I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE" he mutters

"man, it's a joke don't be like that" you poke at him with your index finger.

"NO, I JUST NEED SOME TIME ALONE. I JUST NEED SOME TIME ALONE!" he's really screaming, retreating towards the other side of the bed. 

"whatever dude i'll be in my tent" you keep your trademark dave strider stoic face on, but you're not feeling the best anymore. 

its only about an hour later when your smuppet radio starts making noise. 

"DAVE? ARE YOU THERE DAVE? DAVE? OVER. OVER. DAVE? OVER. FUCK. DAVE." 

he's pretty needy over the phone radio for someone who's been ignoring you all day.

"dude. shut up. over."

"SHOULD WE RESUME OUR CLOWN HUNT TOMORROW." 

oh. he's calling you about business. sure, whatever.

"sure. whatever. over." smooth. 

"GREAT. PERFECT. AFTER, I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU UP ON THAT OFFER TO PLAY, WHAT DID YOU CALL IT? POKEMON?"

okay, so not all business. cool, whatever. 

"cool. whatever. over." shit you sound cool today. 

"GREAT. GOODNIGHT DAVE."

"night karkat. over." 

apparently he's forgiven you. nice.  
...  
"STRIDER LET'S GO YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING TOO LONG IT'S TIME TO GET THE FUCK INTO THE VENTS" you're getting a little too used to karkat's voice waking you up. at least it's over the radio this time. 

"bring me a bagel dude" you mumble back. 

"WHAT THE FUCK IS A BAGEL"

"just get it karkat. poppyseed bagel. dill creamchesese. you got that?" 

it takes him awhile to respond, but finally:

"FINE I'LL BE THERE IN TEN MINUTES" 

...  
"dude did you know there's three hundred books in this room? over." 

"COULD YOU TALK A LITTLE LOUDER DAVE? I DON'T THINK GAMZEE COULD HEAR YOUR FUCKING VOICE ECHOING OFF THE WALLS OF THIS FUCKING VENT"

whoops

"do you even think he's in there? we've been looking for like two weeks. over."

"MAYBE IF YOU'D SHUT UP FOR TWO SECONDS I COULD ACTUALLY LOOK" 

you do shut up. you'd really like for him to just find the damn clown already. you hate him in the vents with a murderer by himself. but, like always, five minutes later:

"STRIDER? ARE YOU STILL FUCKING THERE?" 

he just can't get enough.  
...  
you decide to play pokemon in your tent, mostly because his room has a big cocoon of slime instead of a bed. trolls, man. 

"i think we should talk a little bit more about how impressive it is that i alchemized this shit. do you have any idea how hard that was?" you're bragging.

"I WAS THERE, DAVE, I REMEMBER. I WAS EXPECTING IT TO BE LARGER." he sounds slightly disappointed, leaning in close to you to peer at the gameboy color screen. you probably could have alchemized a more advanced gameboy, but you're trying to keep shit real here. 

"alright let's start this shit. we're gonna be a sexy lady. i'll name her karkat." he makes a noise under his breath in response. 

"SO, IS SHE THE POKEMON?" he asks, genuinely confused.

"wait shit is there no alternian pokemon" you look at him intently, deeply concerned.

"UH, NO."

"karkat. fuck. normally, i am all kinds of in charge of the gameboy, but this is important for you. i am giving you the reigns. i will be here as your moral guide, but this is all up to you now. you and little ten year old pokemon trainer chick karkat." you hand him the gameboy, as he looks at you with his teeth bared in that adorable grimace he always has on. did you just say adorable? well, fuck, it's definitely not threatening, so sure. 

"WHY IS THIS PARENTAL FIGURE TALKING TO ME? I JUST WANT TO SEE THE POKEMON. WHERE IS IT?" he's being a little heavy handed with the controls. hopefully he doesnt break the A button. 

"dude, just- yeah there. talk to that dude. tell him which one you want." he'd better choose charmander. he's going to choose charmander.

"WHAT KIND OF IDIOT CHOOSES THE PATHETIC TURTLE? OH, GOD, WHAT IS THAT? A FROG? A FROG WITH A PLANT ON ITS BACK? GOD, THIS ONE. THE RED ONE. WHAT KIND OF GAME ONLY LEAVES YOU WITH ONE LOGICAL OPTION?" good critique, karkat.

"its a big philosophical debate on earth, why no other pokemon was as good at charmander. had our greatest minds working on that problem, yo. ghandi. obama. steve jobs. no one knew." 

"I GET TO CATCH MORE? DAVE I WANT TO CATCH THEM ALL."

you fucking lose it, completely fuck up your cool kid composure, break down into a fit of laughter leaning right into his shoulder so you can continue watching him run around through tall grass while he ignores your sheer fucking joy.  
...  
"DAVE"

shit, you're dreaming about karkat's voice now? better roll over and go the fuck back to sleep. 

"DAVE I FUCKING NEED YOU TO GET INTO THE VENT ABOVE MY ROOM"

wait, is that coming from your smuppet phone?

"STRIDER FUCKING HELP I-"

static 

oh shit.


	2. kiss the troll.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's kissing at the end of this chapter! also it is pretty short. btw, writing in all of their typing quirks was probably the worst decision i've ever made, dear god, don't ever make that mistake yourself. props to all the fanfic writers who actually keep that up, and make like actual pesterlogs and stuff. my god.

you don't even put your cape on, you're just running down the hall in your boxers and sports bra binder. good fucking thing you fell asleep in your glasses.  
karkat has his door locked, but it doesn't take you long to kick it the fuck down and leap across the room into the open vent grate. it's a hell of a lot less terrifying crawling around in here when you're spending all your energy praying to the outer gods for karkat to be fucking alive when you get to him. 

it isn't hard to find him, you can hear him yelling- not the terrified kind, but the karkat "i'm going to kill you" kind- the second you're in the vents. you spot him in a strange crack where the vent opens up to a space in between the wall. gamzee's towering over him, pinning him to the wall by his throat. karkat's spitting curses at him through all of it. 

you don't think about how much stronger gamzee is than you, or how this would definitely count as a heroic death, as you drop in behind them and shove the juggalo the hell away from your karkat. 

"karkat shit are you okay? did he fucking hurt you?" 

he's holding his throat. gamzee's fucking claws gouged a few holes in it. it's not bleeding too bad, but you know he hates bleeding in front of people. 

"oH kaRkAt i SeE yoU hAVe a frIeND all mOTheRFuCkiNg cOmINg to sAve yOu"

that's the most chilling fucking voice you've ever heard. 

"IT DIDN'T HAVE TO GO LIKE THIS GAMZEE. JUST COME THE FUCK OUT OF THE VENTS. COME BACK WITH US." 

"i kNOw whAt yOU aLL aRe mOTherFUckIng uP tO trYiNG to gEt mE alL uP on ThosE sOpOrIPhics aGaIn" 

he takes out his juggling club. 

seconds later, you and karkat are side by side with your own weapons out. you glance at karkat and see how bad his neck is bleeding, and immediately flash step forward towards gamzee. there is no way in hell you're letting anyone lay a goddamn finger on him again.

except that holy shit the clown is fast. you feel something collide with your head, and then your body hits the wall and your vision goes all blurry.  
when you come to, karkat is wrapped around gamzee. the juggalo is basically frozen in place, listening to karkat coo at him. 

"JUST COME UP WITH US GAMZEE. YOU'RE SO FUCKING THIN, HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN EATING? AND YOU'RE COVERED IN FUCKING BLOOD. PLEASE, GAMZ, JUST COME OUT, JUST COME THE FUCK OUT"

somehow, this makes you even sicker than seeing karkat pinned to the wall. 

you take some rope out of your sylladex and try to get karkat's attention. he just shakes his head at you emphatically. 

"right well if we're just having a make out fest i'm going back to bed." 

"DAVE DON'T-"

"pEAcE cApe bROthER mAyBE ilL sEe yOu oUtSIde" 

he still sounds sinister all hell. 

you know you probably shouldn't leave karkat in there alone but you're fucking pissed and half naked and want to go the fuck back to bed. you leave your smuppet radio in karkat's room. 

...

"i saw them holding hands rose."

"Yes, dave, you mentioned this already."

"why the fuck would he be such good fucking friends with a fucking drugged up clown? who murdered everyone?"

"They were very close friends on Alternia, according to Kanaya. He's honestly not so bad now that he's incredibly high"

"oh, sure, take his fucking side"

you leave her in the lab. maybe terezi will be more understanding.

...

"yo tz, mayor, vriska. what up."

you try to ignore the fact that terezi and vriska are huddled around a hanging scalemate. 

"D4V3 1 W4S HOP3ING YOU WOULD STOP BY" 

"uh you didn't want me to join this roleplay deal did you? because i really don't see that happening"

"don't 8e such a wuss, striiiiiiiider, get in here" 

you sigh. 

"I'M GOING TO CUT TO THE CH4S3 D4V3. YOU'V3 M3SS3D SOM3THING UP PRETTY BADLY. AND NOW YOU'V3 GOT TO FIX IT" 

"i didn't 8xpect you to 8e such a screw up, dave. 8ut heeeeeeere you are, letting karkat 8uddy up with the one person we all know messed up the last session"

"YOU H4V3 TO STOP THIS B3FOR3 TH3Y B3COM3 MOIRAILS D4V3. IT HAPP3N3D IN OUR DOOM3D TIMELIN3. STOP IT." 

you came here hoping for some gamzee hating, but, shit, not to be told this was all your responsibility. 

"uh ladies i appreciate all the faith you put in me, but i'm really not interested in getting all mixed up with this quadrant bullshit again. i'll catch you later, mayor"

you're doing a lot of walking out on people today. 

...

you drag the mayor to the tent in your room to hang out today. you've just been writing raps by yourself for weeks now, and its getting pretty boring.  
karkat put the smuppet radio on your bed at some point, but hasn't tried to contact you. he must know how pissed you are, and for fucking once is keeping a respectable distance. 

"hey mayor, i've been going on and on about myself lately. why don't you tell me more about when you were chilling on destroyed earth? or, you know, draw me about it" 

he nods furiously, and starts drawing some little yellow dude surrounded by guns. the mayor has the weirdest friends.  
...

it's been more than a few weeks. you've got to go see him. yeah, he's best friends with a murder clown, but how mad can you be? you'd probably still be friends with john, even if he went a little nuts for awhile and stabbed jade or something. you guess you'd probably make him give you back jade's head and shit, but to each their fucking own, right? maybe hording heads is cool with trolls. 

you can't really remember why you were so upset about this to begin with. sure, you imagined dragging gamzee out of the vents kicking and screaming, but this was probably better, right? less blood and all. plus, karkat has his best friend back. you want the kid to be happy. sure, it kind of puts you off as the third wheel again, but you've always got the mayor. no one gets you like the mayor gets you. 

but when you open karkat's door and see the two of them shoulder to shoulder playing games on their respective husktops, you kind of fucking lose it again. 

"DAVE" 

its all you hear before you're storming off to your room again. 

something about that purple prick just does not sit right with you, and you do not want him near karkat.  
...

"hEy mOtHEr FuCkEr"

that is not something you want to wake up to. 

"nIcE tItS" 

you're going to kill him, one hundred percent. 

"thought you were mellowed out on your fucking slime" you ask, throwing on your god tier outfit. this little shit does not get to see you in your underwear. 

"yEaH wElL yOu ReAcH a CeRtAiN pOiNt Of EnLiGhTeNmEnT aNd tHaT sHiT dOeSnT AlL uP aNd aFfeCt yOuR tHinKPan anYmorE" 

shit. 

"what the fuck do you want." 

"jUsT gIvInG yOu mY GrAtItTuDe fOr MaKiNg Me sObEr Up tO thE MoThErFuCkIn mIrAcLeS bRoThEr"

shit.

"seems like you could have waited until morning for that"

"mY sOuRcEs alL uP aNd FuCkin tEll mE yOurE thE oNlY tHinG oN thIs sHiP tHatS goIng To All fUck wITh mY tImElInE."

shit. shit. 

"what, and make you less abusive to my friends? that sounds pretty dope" 

"gEt tHe fUcK iN tHe vEnTs"

shit.

"fucking excuse me?"

"iF yOu DoN't gEt tHe Fuck In tHe MoThEr FucKin VeNts and sTay All Up iN tHerE i'lL fuckIn kiLl kArKat"

oh fuck no. 

"why not just fucking kill me now" 

"mY BrOtHeR vAntaS wiLl gEt all KinDs oF UpSeT iF yOu dIe. wOnT TruSt hIs MoTHerFuckIn CloWn fRieND ANyMorE" 

"fuck this gamzee" you hiss, try to surprise attack him with your sword. motherfucker sees it coming from a mile away and gets you with his pin before you're even close to touching him. the impact throws you clean against the wall, grasping at the site of impact. you can't beat him. if you can't beat him, and you don't listen to him, he's going to kill karkat. 

you're going to have to get into the fucking vent.

"just let me grab my cape dude."

"i cAn dIg tHaT goD tIeR dUdE"

you don't give a shit about your cape, but the smuppet radio is right underneath it. 

you climb the fuck into the goddamn dark as shit vent, clown staring you down.

"dOnT cOme OuT uNlEss yOUr TrYiNg tO sEe sOme BlOod mOtHErfUcKer"

as if he doesn't know the walls of the vents are already dripping with it. 

...

the first night in there is fucking terrible. you can't move, you can't breathe, you just want to fucking crawl back into your bed, strangle gamzee, something, anything that isn't being in the vents. the juggalo creep left behind lil' cal- seriously, how the fuck does he have lil' cal? that's your bro's- to watch you though. make sure you stay in there. you always knew there was something fucked up about that puppet. 

your concept of time is completely fucked, and your body is sore as hell just sitting in there, doing nothing but panic for a day, or two, or three- you're not really sure how long. lil' cal's gaze becomes unbearable after awhile, more unbearable than the prospect of pitch black blood soaked vents. you shuffle back into them, away from the light of your room, still shaking from your apparent claustrophobia, still struggling to breathe. you're wandering aimlessly, mostly just freaking the fuck out, wondering if you actually end up dying in here. shit seems like it's getting smaller, you can't see shit, fuck this fuck this, fuck this. you stop crawling, curl up in a ball, cry until you fall asleep. 

waking up is worse. you think you're blind at first, then you think you're dead. it only takes a few seconds for everything to come back to you, and then your heart is racing, hands numb from fear. you push at the ceiling, the walls, the floor, praying for more space. 

when it doesn't come, you remember that you know these vents. you've mapped most of them out with karkat, months ago. you can totally fucking find where it opens up to look over the lab, over can town, over karkat's room. all you have to do is get someone's attention, make them promise to keep karkat safe while you deal with the clown yourself. you can fucking do this. 

you're the furthest from karkat's room, by your estimation, but you head in that direction regardless. maybe it's stupid- you know gamzee will be there, watching for you, but you've got to make sure he's okay. 

when you actually get there, peer through the little grate trying to be as silent as possible, you're struck with this combination of relief and disappointment. he's in there, arm to arm with gamzee, just playing video games. he has no idea you're missing. probably doesn't give a fuck. it makes you feel like shit, for him to replace you with gamzee so easily. or maybe you were gamzee's replacement to begin with. fuck. you can't look away, though. you press your ear up closer, trying to hear what they're saying. 

"sO bRoTHer, aRE wE moIRaiLs oR sOmEThiNg a LitTle mOrE FluShEd?" gamzee asks him, pointedly looking at the grate you're peering out from. he knows you're there, and he's taunting you. fuck. 

"GAMZEE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" shit, it's nice to hear his voice. 

"mAybE jUst sOmE pAle MakEouTs BrOTheR? Honk." he smirks, still looking your way. 

"YOU'RE MORE DISGUSTING THAN ERIDAN SOMETIMES, I SWEAR, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?" despite this, gamzee slips an arm around karkat.  
"tOuCHinG yoU heLpS mE qUiET doWn thE MurDeR MiRaCleS iN mY tHinKPan" the little creep is being so manipulative. 

"YEAH, OK." you've never seen a more defeated karkat in your life, just sitting there, forced to cuddle with a fucking clown to stop him from killing. you can't watch this shit anymore without intervening. you've gotta get out of here, got to find a way to end this.

It takes awhile, but you locate vriska and terezi. they seemed to be the only two even vaguely concerned about gamzee before he stuffed you in here, so you figure they're your best bet for getting out. even from your obscured vantage point, you can see how much fun the trolls are having. they're both wearing these weird outfits, running around, pretending they're hunting for treasure or some shit. honesly, seeing tz happy like this is pretty cool. you had some good times with her, sure, but she'd get frustrated when you wouldn't flarp with her, and you'd get frustrated when she'd ask you to, repeatedly. you never quite got her morbid humor, either, killing john and shit. you don't hate her for it or anything you just never got it. but spidergirl does, by the looks of it. tz deserves to be happy. john might be a little sad that the alien babe he was crushing on has a girlfriend, but, hey, you'll help him get through that with your first hand fucking experience. 

what's actually got you pissed off here is lil' cal. he's still watching you. or, them. both maybe. either way, you have no chance of getting their attention without some major shit going down. you retreat into the darkness. you wish your bro had been communicative enough to actually teach you one fucking thing about cal, instead of just kicking your ass with him. would have come in real fucking handy right about now. 

it's like this for longer than you'd like to admit. days? a week? two weeks? it's still fucking hard to tell. it's all scourge sisters playing games with each other, follwed by lil' cal. rose and kanaya reading with eachother, followed by lil' fucking cal. karkat not being able to leave gamzee's side for more than a few hours at a time. gamzee still tailing karkat from the shadows even when he thinks he's alone. 

oh, fuck, and if you were doubtful before, you now are very convinced that you are on this rock with a bunch of huge lesbians. your teen mom is really going to have to give rose a sex talk when she gets to the new session. today she's not doing kanaya, though. today she's talking to karkat while gamzee lurks in the background.

"ROSE, SOMETHING IS WRONG. DAVE IS MISSING."

"i think he's just throwing a tantrum, karkat. i know dave pretty well. he does that from time to time. jade once annihilated him in a 'rap battle' and he didn't speak to any of us for three weeks." damn it rose. 

"NO, ROSE. WHEN PEOPLE GO MISSING ON THIS METEOR, SHIT GOES WRONG. DAVE MIGHT BE A GRUB MUNCHING WRIGGLER, BUT HE WOULDNT JUST DISAPPEAR. HE HASN'T EVEN BEEN ANSWERING HIS SMUPPET RADIO" at least someone knows whats up with you. you've been wanting to answer the radio, but you have it silenced in your sylladex. you have to wait for gamzee to get the fuck away from karkat before you can risk contact. 

"FUCK THIS, I'LL FIND HIM MY FUCKING SELF" karkat storms out of the lab, an incredibly smug gamzee tailing him. cal's not in the lab. holy shit, cal is not in the lab this is your shot. you don't risk coming down, but you send a (spectacularly crafted) paper airplane down. you've had instructions written on there for days. 

 

yo rose,  
first of all shut the fuck up or you'll ruin this. second of all fuck you for not realizing i'm in some deep shit. thought we were supposed to have this hella special sibling connection, sis. third of all, you might want to be a little more fucking discrete when you're getting all up in kanaya's junk. you can hear that shit from across the fucking meteor.  
okay, bottom line, gamzee is sober as hell and extra murder bent so fuck you guys i told you so. don't worry, i've got a plan. you're welcome.  
just get gamzee into the lab, sans karkat, tomorrow, noon. i've got to talk to vantas a bit. then we're going to gang up on purple creep, meteor team style. get that juggalo into clown jail. 

can't believe you weren't worried about me, i'm telling teen mom,

dave

ps here's the next sweet bro and hella jeff comic. get that shit online for me, can't deprive the fans just because i'm hiding from a clown in the vents of a lab on a meteor in the veil.

pps do you seriously have no idea lil cal/gamzee are watching you pretty much fucking always look the fuck around

 

it's a damn good letter. you had awhile to craft it. you slink off to find karkat again as soon as she put the letter in her pocket.  
...

it's 11:58, and you're mother fucking excited. you'd probably be nervous if you weren't so sure you were about to leave this vent. pull through, rose, for fucks sake pull through.

you've been watching karkat for the past 16 hours, which is unfortunate, because if you were in the lab right now you would have seen cal starting the fire that traps rose and kanaya. 

it's 11:59, and pretty much the only thing you can think about is putting your hands on karkat and telling him exactly how much of a cock gamzee is.  
you've been thinking about touching karkat's skin for the past four hours, which is unfortunate, because if you'd been above can town you'd have seen lil cal take a hit at the mayor, and would know terezi and vriska were currently locked in a death battle with the puppet. 

it's noon, and that mother fucking juggalo has his hands on your mother fucking karkat. he's trying to touch him, kiss him, kill him, you're not sure, but karkat is struggling and you're losing it.

you've been thinking about all the ways you'd kill him if he ever tried that shit again since the last time you saw his hands on karkat's throat, which is only really unfortunate for gamzee because you've got your sword out and stuck through his abdomen in a flashstep your bro would be hella proud of. 

"get your hands off him, you piece of shit" 

holy hell you are angry. 

"DAVE, WHAT THE SHIT" 

you have zero time to answer before gamzee's club is swinging at your head. you're fast enough to duck, this time. 

"tHouGht I tOlD yoU to sTaY iN thE moThEr fUcKin VeNTs bRoThEr. gOnNa wAtCh KaRkAt dIe nOw" 

honk  
honk  
honk

he doesnt touch karkat because you jump in front of him, but holy shit does it hurt when the club collides with your ribs. some of them are probably broken. that's a problem for later. 

honk

he's crazy fast. karkat pushes you out of the way and takes the blow this time. two knights in a fight taking the beating for each other. how utterly cliche. 

"DON'T FUCKING PROTECT ME STRIDER, I'M STRONGER THAN YOU" he says it like he means it, but you can tell how much pain he's in when the club hits his jaw a second time. 

"gOnNA bAsH yOUr mOthEr fUckIn FacE in BrOtHer"

honk

you exchange a glance with your friend, and immediately change your battle plan. you both lunge at the clown as a team, and this time you're the only one who gets hit. Karkat manages to get a pretty deep sickle strike in along gamzee's shoulder before being tossed aside like a rag doll. purple blood is leaking everywhere, but the troll looks unsettlingly unphased. 

"wAs tHaT a LoVe ScrAtCH BroThEr? wAnT sOMe bLAck rOm mAkeOuts BefOre I mUrdEr yoU fuCkin DeaD?" 

honk

you're struggling to stand up, clutching at your ribcage. gamzee is way too fucking fast. he's got karkat up against the wall again, holding him by the throat. that little shit bends down and kisses karkat on the lips. karkat is screaming, desperately pulling at gamzee's hands, kicking, stabbing aimlessly with the sickle. 

hell

fucking

no

you're honestly not sure what happens in the next few seconds, but you've somehow tackled the clown and have him pinned down, punching his face so hard your knuckles are starting to bleed. it only takes him a few more seconds to reverse the situation, and you swear you're about to die when you see a club three inches from your face. you close your eyes, but it never comes. 

when you open them again, gamzee's slouched over to the side, manically smiling at the place his hands used to be. holy shit, karkat actually just cut off that dudes hands. there's a lot of fucking blood. a lot of fucking purple blood, and that is one passed out clown. fuck. 

you stand up, drenched in purple. karkat's looking at his sickle like he can't believe what he did, but all you can think about is getting gamzee's blood off his lips. it's only a few feet to close the distance between you. you vaguely consider using your cape to clean his face, but there's no time. your hands are moving on their own, one gripping his shoulder while the other pulls his head up towards your face. he's clutching you too, nails digging into your sides, as he brings his lips against yours. it's aggressive, it's passionate, it's all tongue and teeth and hands in hair. you're out of breath and he's absolutely killing your ribs when he shoves you against a wall, but it's worth it when he moves his hands beside your head and pushes his entire body against yours. his mouth is the best thing you've ever tasted and, shit, he actually does smell like fucking candy. 

then it's over. and you have a clown to tie up.  
...  
vriska gets to karkat's room as you're tying the last few knots in gamzee's bondage. apparently, lil cal disappeared about the same time karkat incapacitated gamzee. you have no idea how the fuck that puppet works, and you've given up on trying. it dawns on you all at about the same time that no one's heard from rose and kanaya. you insist on being the one to carry gamzee to the lab, despite your rib injuries. 

it takes all of you to put the fire out, and rose isn't looking so hot afterwards. you think she's inhaled a little too much smoke, but none of you are doctors so the most you can do is hope her god tier powers heal her. 

everyone wants to look at your ribs, but you brush it off as a scrape. karkat defends you, probably remembering your whole boob secret. they let it go.  
you all tie gamzee up a little more, and shove him in a locked and barricaded closet with no vent access. no one mentions anything about the potential dangers of blood loss. 

everyone heads to the washrooms together, no one quite ready to separate from the group yet. the girls get in to one bath area together, leaving you and karkat to the other. he doesn't look at you while you undress, and only blurts out a few concerned questions about your ribs. they're actually pretty bad but, again, god tier healing powers. it'll be fine. you finish up sooner than everyone, mostly on purpose because you know you won't be able to get your binder back on and need to slink back to your fort. 

you're still awake and staring up at the ceiling when you hear your door open and shut. karkat's face appears in the gap in your tent a few minutes later.  
"MY ROOM IS COVERED IN CLOWN BLOOD." he's trying not to sound distressed, but you can hear the slight shaking of his voice. you scoot over to one side of your bed, and he wordlessly slides in next to you. you consider discussing the whole "fuck dude we totally made out what was up with that" thing, but sleep hits you first. he's not there when you wake up.


	3. fall in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last chapter of this part of the series yay. there is essentially no plot. it's just fluff, and smut, and oh my god they are falling in love, gotta love that shit right? okay cool hopefully y'all enjoy this hurray.

you haven't really spent much time with the rest of the crew over the past couple of days. your ribs are still pretty tender, and you don't want to make it worse with a binder. you also don't feel capable of having the whole "yes i have tits" discussion with everyone right now. hence being tentstuck. 

the mayor is here, obviously. he keeps bringing you food and pictures from terezi. she came herself when she noticed you were holed up in here, but you were topless and kind of bitched her out. since then, you've both been drawing pictures of karkat in compromising positions and sending them back and forth via the mayor. it's making you a little nervous though, because when you drew karkat riding a giant flying dick, she responded with him riding a giant flying tentacle and you really honestly do not want to know if that's what troll junk looks like. 

you haven't seen karkat in the flesh since he snuck out of your bed a few mornings ago. you're trying not to worry about it. you're prepared for the makeout to not be a big deal. you'd been stuck in a ventilation system for over week, and he'd just cut off the hands of his maybe moirail. emotions were high, and you're both almost fifteen. makeouts happen. doesn't mean you can't still be bros. 

except that he's clearly avoiding you, and you can't really let that slide, because just bros don't avoid eachother after casual makeouts. dude isn't even answering his crab phone. 

this is what has you struggling to put on one of your binders. the mayor helps you into it. you fucking love the mayor. you set off with him down the hall, holding hands, hoping to come across karkat somewhere. usually you'd expect him in his room, but you have no idea if he'll have had time to clean all the fucking blood off the floor. and the walls. and the bed. shit, gamzee bled a lot. you decide to check there anyway, because where the fuck else would karkat be? just in case there's still blood everywhere, you drop the mayor off in can town first. 

"H4V3NT S33N YOU IN 4WHIL3 D4V3. YOU LIK3 MY DR4WINGS?" 

"hell yeah tz. you're a budding fucking artist. when we get to this new session, and i get my sweet bro and hella jeff business off the ground, you're lead artist on my team no questions asked" 

"8etter make room on your team for me, dave, iiiiiiii'm the one who came up with the 8etter half of those illust8tions"

"OH, YOU WISH VRISKA. W3 BOTH KNOW IM TH3 4RTIST H3R3. YOU STICK TO YOUR SCH3M3S AND TR34SUR3 HUNTS" 

"ladies, ladies, there's room for both of you at studio strider, no need to worry. have either of you seen karkat though? need to talk to crab dude about some stuff." 

they exchange a glance, and terezi responds:

"M4YB3 CH3CK HIS R3SPIT3 BLOCK. H3 H4SNT B33N OUT MUCH 3ITH3R, SINC3 G4MZ33 TRI3D TO KILL 3V3RYON3" 

"yeah, ok, thanks tz. see you later mayor, you're the best dude." 

his room is still soaked in blood when you get there. like, soaked. some of it has crusted over, but there's so much of it in some places that it's still pooled and damp and dripping. where the fuck has karkat been sleeping? 

oh, god damn it. you know where. shit. 

it takes you about five minutes to walk to the closet that's serving as gamzee's prison and, as expected, karkat is propped up against the door talking into the empty hall. he stops when he sees you.

"ANOTHER UNINVITED VISIT FROM DAVE STRIDER. EXACTLY WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW." he's glaring at you from the floor. he looks like shit. 

"karkat what are you doing here? your room looks like you cut off someone's hands inside of it. where have you been sleeping, bro?" you sit down next to him. the sounds coming from inside the closet are absolutely terrifying. 

"I HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEPING. I'VE BEEN HERE WATCHING HIM. HE'S NOT KILLING ANYONE ELSE."

goddamn knight. 

"karkat, we've got him chained up pretty good."

"WE FUCKING THOUGHT THAT LAST TIME, TOO."

"yeah but he doesn't have hands this time dude."

"HE'S BEEN IN THERE LAUGHING ABOUT THAT. I CAN HEAR HIM FUCKING MUTTERING ABOUT HIS HANDS ALL FUCKING NIGHT. HIS HANDS, THE BLOOD, THE HEADS OF MY FRIENDS." 

"dude you've got to get the fuck away from this door. he's going to drive you insane."

he sighs and throws his face into his hands. somewhat awkwardly, you clap a hand against his back. 

"he's not going to kill anyone else bro." 

"I CAN'T LET HIM ESCAPE AGAIN. I'VE GOT TO KEEP THIS TEAM ALIVE. VRISKA MIGHT HAVE VOTED HERSELF LEADER OF THE NEW SESSION RAID, BUT I'M ACTUALLY THE LEADER HERE." 

"i know kk. you've got to sleep though."

"YOU IN THE MOOD TO CLEAN UP SOME BLOOD, THEN?" 

"yeah dude"

you stand up and extend your hand to lift him to his feet. then it dawns on you. 

"karkat. are there still two hands just chillin on your floor?"

"OH, BULGEFUCK"   
...

"karkat pick them up"

"YOU DO IT STRIDER."

"you cut them off. you made the mess."

"TO SAVE YOUR INCOMPETENT HUMAN LIFE"

"you're still the one who put them there." 

"YOU OWE ME"

"wanna just hang out in my tent"

"I'LL GRAB MY HUSKTOP AND WE CAN BARRICADE THIS MURDERHOUSE OFF FOR THE REST OF THE TRIP"   
...

"NO, DAVE, I'VE BEEN RESEARCHING YOUR CULTURE AND IT SEEMS IMPORTANT THAT I FINISH WATCHING ALL THE SEASONS OF THIS SHOW. YOUR COMMENTARY HAS BEEN HELPFUL. I KNOW WHEN YOU START PROTESTING SOMETHING THAT IT MUST BE ESPECIALLY TRUE." the kid practically has a notebook out he's so interested. 

"dude i avoided Friends the entire time i was on earth i sure as shit don't want to watch it now"

"I SAW YOUR WHOLE TIMELINE, DAVE. DON'T THINK I DIDN'T NOTICE YOU CRYING WHEN ROSS KISSES RACHEL FOR THE FIRST TIME"

"mother fucking troll voyeurs. there were two hot girls you could have been spying on, not to mention a universe to save, but you were getting your jollies off watching some teenage boy on his computer?" 

"YES, IT CLEARLY IS MY FAULT THAT YOU EXCLUSIVELY DID EMBARRASSING THINGS" 

"i'd like to see what the fuck you did back on alternia. bet it wasn't any better. at least i wrote some smooth raps and made some sick beats" 

"I WAS DOING SOMETHING USEFUL, MAKING DOOMSDAY VIRUSES. SOLLUX WAS ALWAYS BETTER THAN I WAS, BUT I DID RELEASE HIS ONCE. SET A CURSE OFF ON FUCKING ALL OF US. YOU JUST SPENT YOUR TIME JERKING OFF AND LISTENING TO BAD SONGS"

"so what you're telling me is all the shit we've been going through is because you unleashed some stupid curse on us."

"YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME." 

he's back to staring at his husktop. you collapse backwards onto your bed, completely incapable of watching another shitty episode. at some point, you fall asleep. when you wake up in the middle of the night, he's curled around his still-playing computer, snoozing hard. you pause the episode, assuming he won't want to miss any of it, and toss a blanket over him. he actually looks pretty fucking adorable. 

...

"DAVE. DAVE. DAVE. WAKE UP DAVE."

oh, fuck. right. the one downside of karkat sleepovers. he wakes you up early as shit. 

"hey man you want to try shutting the fuck up and letting me sleep?" you try pulling blankets back over your eyes, but he's sitting on them.

"dude. come on."

"STOP BEING LAZY DAVE. I'M STARVING."

apparently you're waking the fuck up now. 

this dude has way too much energy. not the excited, perky, cute kind of energy, either. he just wakes the fuck up filled with this rage, and keeps it up the whole goddamn day. he's currently shoveling his food into his mouth as if it personally insulted him. meanwhile you've been staring at your full bowl of rice krispies for about fifteen minutes, drifting in and out of consciousness. 

"I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT NEW AREAS TO PUT MY RECUPERCOON. ALTHOUGH WE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO LIFT IT. I MIGHT HAVE TO JUST MAKE A PILE OF SOME SOFT THING TO CRASH ON. NOT SCALEMATES THOUGH. STILL CAN'T STAND TO SEE THOSE THINGS AFTER TEREZI HUNG ALL OF THEM IN THE HALL THAT TIME" he trails off, cringing. you can't blame him. the forest of hanging scalemates got way out of control. the mayor had to completely reconstruct his justice system after that incident. 

"so i guess we're hanging out today."

"WELL FUCKING FORGIVE ME FOR EXPECTING THE ONE PERSON ON THIS ROCK WHO DOESN'T HAVE HIS MOUTH SHOVED DOWN SOME CHICK'S THROAT TO WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH ME. CLEARLY I SHOULD HAVE ANTICIPATED MORE SITTING ALONE. I MIGHT AS WELL JUST MAKE MY BED NEAR GAMZEE'S CLOSET IF HE'S THE BEST CONVERSATION I'M GOING TO GET FOR THE NEXT SWEEP"

"dude. chill out."

"NO DAVE, IT'S PERFECTLY FINE, I UNDERSTAND, YOU'D PREFER TO BE ALONE THAN SIT WE ME FOR MORE THAN A SINGLE MEAL"

"dude. i'm just tired."

"YOU SLEPT FOR THE APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF TIME FOR A HUMAN. ARE YOU SICK?" 

"dude. shut the fuck up." 

he chucks a strange lump of alternian food at your face. you dodge, easily, because you're fast as hell even in the morning. the only thing you can think to do is pin that smug alien against the wall and kiss him fucking senseless. okay, hold the fucking phone, what? maybe you're the one who has to chill the fuck out. you stay the fuck in your seat where you belong, definitely not kissing your best bro. 

"NO SNIDE COMMENT? NO PATHETIC SWORD BEING SWUNG AROUND AT ME? ARE YOU SICK STRIDER?" 

he stands up, motioning as if to feel your forehead. you can't tell if he's doing it to mock you or because he's actually concerned, but you're not having that shit and slap his hand away as you jump out of your seat. 

"so are we going to find you a new room or no"

he scoffs a bit, but follows you out of the kitchen anyway.   
...

turns out karkat's a picky little shit. you've explored the meteor more than he has, so you've got a pretty decent selection of places to show him, but he rejects almost all of them. eventually he decides on this weird dark alcove right across from the room you've set your tent up in. 

"i was thinking, instead of sleeping on a weird fucking pile of stuffed animals, why don't we just alchemize you a mattress?" mostly you say this because you're pretty bored of shoving stuffed animals into bags and dragging them to his newly claimed room. he clearly has no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

"you know, a bed dude. those things humans sleep on. you passed out on mine the other night. they're nice because they don't have creepy eyeballs that poke into your face while you sleep." 

"ONCE AGAIN TRYING TO IMPOSE YOUR CULTURAL NORMS ON ME STIDER? I GUESS IT WOULD BE NICE NOT TO HAVE TO MAKE ANYMORE OF THESE GODDAMN THINGS THOUGH. I'M PRETTY FUCKING BORED."

"you'd rather be watching another rom com?"

he replies with "YES" before he realizes you're making fun of him. 

...

karkat loves his mattress. three weeks- three goddamn weeks- and he's refused to hang out anywhere other than his new respite block. room. shit, alien language is catchy. 

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WON'T FIGHT ME IN HERE. I THINK THE SPRING OF THE SLEEP RECTANGLE WILL BE GOOD TRAINING FOR DIFFICULT TERRAIN OR LOWER GRAVITY SITUATIONS." he's essentially jumping on it as he propositions you. wait, is that what he's doing? is he hate romance propositioning you? no, no. it can't be, hate-karkat is a hell of a lot angrier. 

"we tried that bro. had to alchemize you a whole new mattress. you get a little out of control with the sickles." 

"WE COULD GO TO CAN TOWN."

"the mayor does not need a brawl in the middle of can town dude"

"NOT TO FIGHT, NOOK WIT, JUST TO SEE THE MAYOR." 

"yeah man, i'm down. maybe after we can stop by the alchemizer and get some games and shit for the crew to play"

"GAMES?"

"yeah you know. get our monopoly on. tz and i would wreck at pictionary." 

"YOU MAKE UP WORDS JUST TO ANNOY ME DON'T YOU"

"sometimes bro but not right now."

...

"I SWEAR ON TAVROS' FUCKING GRAVE VRISKA IF YOU KEEP USING YOUR LUCK BULLSHIT I WILL SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROAT AND ENSURE A JUST DEATH FOR YOU" 

on second thought, maybe monopoly wasn't the best idea.

just kidding, this is fucking hilarious. a little annoying that terezi's implemented a pretty complex judicial system now that she's bankrupt, but still hilarious.   
it's about six hours in to the game now, and shit is getting pretty intense. kanaya gave up hours ago. she got a little obsessed attempting to auspitice every deal being made, and vriska crushed her relatively easily. she's now serving as the impartial banker with rose, who had a good stint as controller of all the transportation in the game but was eventually taken down by none other than yourself. 

karkat pissed pretty much all of his fortune away obtaining the boardwalk monopoly. vriska owns almost the entire left half of the board, and you're living it up on slum row with a little extra cash from the green monopoly you traded karkat in exchange for boardwalk. 

"SHE'S CHEATING DAVE, STATISTICALLY FUCKING SPEAKING IT'S RIDICULOUS THAT SHE HASN'T LANDED ON MY SPACES FOUR TIMES IN A ROW. FUCK THIS GAME." he rolls the die and keeps playing though. little fucker just won't give up. 

vriska wins, obviously, because she's a huge fucking cheater, but you and karkat give her a pretty good run for her money when you team up and pool your resources. 

...

community game night becomes a weekly thing. or, you think it's weekly, seriously you're all kind of losing your sense of time. tonight you all played several rounds of team-catan. surprisingly, you all managed to win a round- kanaya and rose through actually impressive strategy, terezi and vriska through unsettlingly manipulative strategy, and you and karkat through sheer fucking aggressive tactic. 

you're pretty sure everyone else is having sex now, so you and karkat are chatting in his room, far far away from the noises you really don't want to hear. 

"do you think the mayor could have won tonight if he didn't just keep hoarding sheep cards?" you wonder vaguely, staring up at the ceiling from his desk chair.

"HE *WAS* SURPRISINGLY GOOD AT ACQUIRING SHEEP" 

karkat is hovering behind you, reaching over your shoulder to fuck around with his husktop. he's playing some weird troll game that you aren't really paying attention to. his arm is like, right the fuck by your neck. it was fucking incredible watching him dominate catan with you tonight, and you're still a little amped up from your win. maybe you could go for a strife or something. 

you figure karkat is always down for some fighting, so you grab the arm he has extended over your shoulder, dig your back into him, and flip him onto the desk. he grabs for your throat but you break his grasp at the elbow and smash your fucking face against his and oh dear god you are kissing him that is something that is happening. okay, gonna roll with it. 

karkat is apparently thinking the same thing because his hands are in your hair dragging your face as close to him as possible. his teeth are really in the way, or maybe not in the way because you kind of like the way they're cutting up your lips. you barely have time to think about how close the rest of your body is to his, all hunched over him while he's leaned backwards over the desk, before he shoves you off and promptly tosses you onto your back on the bed.   
there's some low growl noises coming from his chest and all you can fucking do is stare up at him through your glasses. he's fucking straddling you, there's a goddamn alien on your lap with his lips on your neck and- shit also teeth on your neck, damn, you like that more than you thought you would. 

"dude, that feels-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON'T RUIN THIS"

it's hard not to obey him when he puts his lips back on yours and shoves his tongue in your mouth. you always knew his tongue was a little weird, but it's a hell of a lot longer than a human's, and it feels damn good twisting around your own. he tastes like nothing you've ever experienced, and sweeter than you anticipated. not that, you know, you've thought about how he would taste inside of your mouth. 

it takes his claws in your side to realize you aren't doing a damn thing with your hands. you started this kiss, but now you're just laying here letting it happen. can't leave a bro hanging like that, dave, gotta get your head in the game. 

you grab his hips and pull them down into yours, because if you're going for this you're really gonna go for it. he immediately takes the hint and grinds down into you. he responds with more claws in your back, and you're definitely bleeding now. the pseudo strife aspect of this has been kind of fun, and he seems into it, so you peel him off you by the hair and shove him up against the wall. 

instantly, he's biting your neck. it's hella hard not to moan, but you're great at self control so you stifle your sex sounds and jam your thigh between his legs. he bites down even harder- damn those fangs are sharp- and pushes himself into the touch. you're so fucking close to him, chests pressed together, spit swapping, hands still pulling at his hair. oh shit, he has horns. you've always wanted to touch these. so you do.

immediately the tone of the makeout swaps. his teeth retract from your neck and his lips move back to yours, moving in time with the motions of your hands on his horns. you both sort of melt back into the bed, tongues coming to meet in the middle. he's on top of you, arms enveloping you as you continue to massage the base of his nubs. your legs are tangled up in each other, and it's hot in all your clothes, and your hips are moving at the same time, and this is incredible. 

it slows down more, until the kisses are pecks, and the pecks are on your neck, and finally he's just breathing softly into your shoulder. you both try to make eye contact, but it's awkward so you shift to sitting a bit apart from each other, not quite sure where to look or what to say. finally, karkat, ruiner of the mood:

"WAS THAT RED OR BLACK FOR YOU"

what the fuck

"what the fuck?"

"IT'S A PRETTY SIMPLE QUESTION, EVEN FOR SOMEONE OF YOUR LESS THAN AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE. WAS THAT RED OR FUCKING BLACK?"

"dude. i don't know." 

and you don't. you don't do quadrants. you wanted to kick his ass for a sec and then you were making out why is that so hard for trolls to understand?   
you see his internal struggle, and you'd really like to help, but you're kinda dazed at the moment, too. you don't necessarily blame him when he shoves you into the hall and slams his door. 

you go back to your room. he'll get over it. you hope. 

...

"SHE GOT OFF THE PLANE" 

oh, shit, he's talking to you through your smuppet ass radio. 

"karkat what the fuck are you talking about. how do you even know what a plane is dude? you've got planes on alternia? flying you to sollux's crib and shit?"

"RACHEL. RACHEL GOT OFF THE PLANE." 

"karkat that's not a person that we know." 

"RACHEL FUCKING GREEN. SHE GOT OFF THE PLANE TO BE WITH ROSS, THE GOD DAMN DINOSAUR GUY."

oh my god, he's talking about Friends. five days no contact, and he's talking to you about Friends. 

"do you need to come over dude"

it only takes about fifteen seconds for him to run on over and sit his ass down next to you. 

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HUMANS KEEP THEIR WRIGGLERS AROUND. *PARENTS* ARE BIZARRE. AND WHY CAN THEY JUST GET NEW HIVES ALL THE TIME? DID THEY NOT BUILD THEIR OWN HIVES?"

"i never had parents so i'm kind of with you there. guess it could have been nice though, having people cooking for you and shit." 

"WE WERE GENERALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR FEEDING OUR LUSI TO PREVENT MURDER SPREES"

"yeah that's pretty fucked up." 

you're sprawled out on your bed, and karkat kind of aggressively throws himself down next to you- too close for just bros but not close enough for you to think about making another move- while he just kind of rambles on about hive building. you totally wish he'd give you an opening to kiss him again. turns out you might be kind of flushed for him. flushed? fuck. hot for him. you're hot for karkat. gotta stop with the alien lingo, dave. 

...

it's been three weeks of cuddling and you're kind of fucking done. you can barely even call it cuddling, it's really just karkat yelling closer to you than he usually does. turns you the fuck on either way. 

"so are we kissing each other on the reg or what" 

smooth, strider. he stops talking about whatever the fuck you were just ignoring, and turns to look at you. 

"ARE YOU ASKING ME IF I'M FLUSHED? ARE YOU ACTUALLY ATTEMPTING TO ANSWER MY QUESTION RIGHT NOW?"

"nah i've just been thinking about putting my face on yours, so it'd be cool to know if you're down." 

he grabs you by your god tier shirt and pulls you into his mouth. seconds later, before anything could even get good, he's shoving you away again. 

"NO STRIDER, IT MATTERS. RED OR BLACK."

"bro, you know quadrants aren't my thing." 

"YEAH, WELL, THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS MAYBE WITH TEREZI, SHE MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT ABOUT CARING ABOUT QUADRANTS. BUT THEY FUCKING MATTER TO ME DAVE. I VACILLATE LIKE CRAZY. I NEED TO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL SO I CAN KNOW HOW TO FEEL." 

"i mean, dude, does it even matter? is there even a single other person on this meteor you could fill another quadrant with anyway?" 

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT." 

"im never gonna do quadrants with you dude."

"DO YOU EVEN HAVE FLUSHED FEELINGS FOR ME? OR ARE YOU JUST MAKING OUT WITH ME, COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF THE CULTURAL RAMIFICATIONS?" 

a few months ago, you probably would have said "just makeouts", but shit. you've had awhile to think about this. you fucking love hanging out with karkat. you hang out with karkat every goddamn day, if he isn't being all pissed at you. the makeouts were a little surprising. maybe less than surprising. maybe you've been trying not to think about making out with karkat since he first started trolling you, telling you not to hit on terezi. now that the makeouts have actually happened, maybe you want them to keep happening. maybe you don't like quadrants because you'd hardcore flashstep murder anyone who laid a hand on karkat. especially if it was that kismesis shit, which obviously it would be, because you're pretty much in love with the dude.

oh shit. okay. 

"im not cool with you having a hatefuck relationship on the side dude." 

"WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?"

"you should probably just be my boyfriend or whatever." 

"LIKE MATESPRITS"

"sort of, but it also includes that whole best friend pap-ing deal. and also i get to hate makeout with you when you're being an annoying jackoff. and i guess stop you from hating anyone else too much. including yourself." 

"THAT'S ALL OF THE QUADRANTS DAVE."

"so?"

"THAT'S NOT HOW TROLLS WORK"

"i dunno dude, i thought the whole quadrant thing was more of a forced thing. that whole pail deal. wasn't like, your ancestor the one who had the troll babe in all of his quadrants?" 

"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT"

"just think about it karkles."

he doesn't have anything to say in response, which you figure is pretty bad. when he tries to leave the room, you let him. you kind of feel like complete shit.   
...

you're in the lab with rose when he finds you. 

"STRIDER. FINE." 

"uh what?"

"FINE. I AGREE TO YOUR TERMS."

he's seething though, and storms out just as quickly as he came in. rose doesn't miss the huge grin on your face. 

"Dave, what's going on?" she's waggling her eyebrows, clearly in the know. 

"i just got me an alien boyfriend."   
...

he's asleep in your bed when you make your way back there at the end of the night. there's chalk all over his face, so you know he's spent the day in can town.   
your scrawl out a quick note and post it by the wall near his head 

hey kitkat you're hella cute when you're asleep but if you wake me up early tomorrow im gonna let rose dissect you for science

you captchlog your shoes and cape, and slide under the covers next to him. 

"YOU'RE BACK LATE"

"didn't mean to wake you up dude."

"THEN SHUT UP AND LET ME SLEEP"

he rolls, half asleep, closer to you, resting his hand across your chest. it takes you awhile to fall asleep when you're so excited about being next to karkat, but it's alright.   
...

you wake up to the sound of furious typing. karkat's gonna ruin his keyboard if he keeps hitting it that hard. he's sitting up in bed, still pressed up against your side. you slide your face up into his lap, and he curses. you're pretty sure you just fucked up whatever game he was playing, but he just does his low growl thing and pats you on the head. 

"I BROUGHT SOME FOOD BACK HERE WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP. ALSO THAT ENERGY LIQUID YOU'RE ALWAYS HAVING. IT MIGHT BE COLD NOW THOUGH. YOU SLEEP MORE THAN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO." he's whispering, for your benefit. boyfriend karkat is surprisingly considerate. 

"feed that shit to me"

"NO"

"karks come on get some grapes and pop them into my mouth" you open your mouth for emphasis, and he shoves a couple fingers inside. you probably deserve that. 

"ey ar ah?" 

"CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU STRIDER."

"et or ans o ff mmmm" 

"YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST BE QUIET AND LET ME FINISH PLAYING MY GAME" 

you bite down on his fingers till he takes them out, and he shoves you off of him. 

"hey babe"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT"

"hey pumpkin"

"I WILL RESCIND MY OFFER TO BE YOUR ROMANTIC PARTNER IF YOU INSIST ON USING THESE NAMES" 

"hey dollface"

"UGH WHAT DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? DO YOU NOT SEE THAT I'M A LITTLE BUSY HERE?" 

"wanna go to can town and freak everyone out by putting your tongue down my throat?" 

he throws you the most terrifying grin you've ever seen. 

you sit up and chug down some of the luke warm coffee he has waiting for you, and take a few bites of some bread before throwing on your shoes and cape.

"ive gotta shower first though."

"I HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE ABLUSION BLOCK THIS MORNING EITHER."

alright, guess you're showering together. or, in adjoining showers. which has happened before, but before all the makeouts. seems more sexual this way. you vaguely wonder if you can resist the temptation of seeing that alien naked. 

he's clearly not expecting this to turn into a sexual encounter, and undresses with his back to yours. he hops in the shower too quickly for you to catch a glimpse of anything, which is kind of nice because it gives you some privacy to remove your binder. 

but then he's out and toweling himself off and you lose it. total boner. you wash the shampoo out of your hair at lightning speed and wrap a towel around yourself. you look pretty hot when you're all wet, and he clearly thinks so too judging by the growling noises he's making. he's only in his boxers. you've never really seen him this naked before, and shit it's good. even with all that muscle, he's so tiny. you just want to throw him around. 

his skin is still warm and clammy when you press your bodies together, your towel the only thing separating you. he smells like mint, but his mouth still tastes like candy. you run a hand from his neck down his torso, lingering when you reach a series of scar-like bumps. he can feel you questioning them, and pulls himself away from your face for just long enough to murmur "GRUB SCARS", as if that answers fucking anything. you'll ask about it later. now, let's worry about seeing if he likes it when you touch them. you press into one of the with your thumb lightly, and then a little harder. dude basically purrs at you. shit that's hot. 

you wrap both your arms firmly around his middle, grinding into him. something in his pants feels different. is it... wiggling? his eyes go all wide, and he steps away from you, blushing. 

"LET'S COOL IT OFF WITH THE SEX IN THE ABLUTION BLOCK, STRIDER. HUMANS ARE FILTHY SNORT BEASTS, TRYING TO GET OFF IN PUBLIC." 

"seemed like you liked it to me" you tease.

he doesn't stop growling under his breath until you both are fully clothed. 

it's a bit of a walk to Can Town. you figure this might be a good time to hash out some details about what the fuck troll relationships are like. 

"so kitkat, if you were a human chick, i'd be like, taking you on dates and buying you flowers and shit. putting pearls around your neck. maybe we'd buy a cat together." 

"IM NOT EXACTLY SURE WHERE YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO FIND A PURR BEAST ON THIS METEOR. CLOSEST THING IS PROBABLY NEPETA'S CORPSE, BUT IT'S ABSOLUTELY REPULSIVE TO EVEN CONSIDER KEEPING THE DEAD BODY OF MY DEARLY DEPARTED COMRADE AROUND FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR HUMAN ROMANCE" 

"i can't even keep a dead body in the house? you've already got me whipped bro. what shit can a dude dating an alien do? do y'all hold hands even?"   
he shoots you a pretty nasty look, and sighs as he extends his hand towards you. dude might act like he's protesting, but you catch a hint of a smile on his lips when you lace your fingers together. 

the instant you enter can town, terezi is all over you, sniffing. 

"YOUR3 HOLD1NG H4NDS. F1N4LLY OV3R M3, 4R3 YOU, BOYS?" 

oh, good, a reminder that you share an ex with your boyfriend. 

"dont be jealous, tz, not everyone can handle karkat like i can" you lean into him and plant a loud kiss on his lips. he puts a hand on your face and paps you away after a few seconds, but even terezi must be able to see the huge grin plastered on his face. 

"TEREZI, WHERE IN EVER LOVING FUCK IS THE MAYOR? YOU DIDN'T, OH NOOKFUCK, YOU DIDN'T DRAG HIM TO THE HALL OF HANGING SCALEMATES AGAIN, DID YOU? ARE YOU UNAWARE OF HOW FRAGILE HE IS?" karkat's taken a real liking to the mayor recently. probably because you make them hang out all the time. 

"C4LM YOUR L1P1D LUMPS, K4RK4T, H3'S 1N TH3 L4B W1TH VR1SK4. H3 R34LLY W4NT3D TO PL4Y P1CT1ON4RY" 

"oh, hell yes, hell fucking yes, let's get our pictionary on" 

"1 W4NT YOU ON MY T34M, STR1D3R"

"AND I WANT TO DEFINITELY NOT BE ON EITHER OF YOUR TEAMS" 

everyone is sitting around a mound of paper when the three of you enter. you casually slide an arm around karkats shoulders as you walk over to the group. vriska cackles for a minute, but then you sit down and divide up into teams and everything is normal as hell. 

karkat exclaims that you're breaking up when you, terezi, and the mayor kick everyone's ass at the game, despite the fact that you exclusively draw dicks, but you both end up in his bed that night with your lips interlocked for hours so you figure it was just hyperbole. 

...

you're spending the night at karkat's, mostly because he's making you. you like your place better, think your tent makes it cozy as hell, but he insists your modest clutter is "horrifying and incredibly unsanitary" and that your bro "really should have taught you better fucking manners". his mattress is comfortable, courtesy of your alchemizing skills, so at least there's that. you're on your computer doing about a million things while he sits at his shitty little desk.

"DAVE, WAIT, COME READ THIS CODE" 

he's still writing those viruses. poorly. sometimes the two of you come across a version of sollux in a dream bubble and the kid just laughs at karkat's pathetic coding attempts. sollux is kind of a genius, though, so it's almost cheating. your boyfriend is getting better. slowly. 

"the whole beginning of that one made no sense to me karks. not sure if you're just making something honestly terrible or it's over my head but i can't help. wanna check out my new comic?" 

he sighs, rips his husktop from it's power source in the wall, and plops down next to you. he's on his stomach, feet in the air, teenage girl style, showing off his choice ass. 

"THE FIRST FEW LINES WERE A TROLL THING SOLLUX TAUGHT ME, BUT HERE, LOOK." 

he's got his pointy little nail jabbing into the screen, and you have to admit, if he's done this right, it'd be pretty fucking awesome.

"do you honestly think you're good enough to write something that would seep into the new session?" 

"THANKS FOR THE CONFIDENCE, DAVE." 

"no, i just mean, man is this even possible? i know you think you were all responsible for that doomsday virus destroying alternia, but we both know skaia had been there the whole time just fucking waiting. it could have been a coincidence." 

"SHOULDN'T I FUCKING TRY?" 

"if anyone is completely batshit crazy enough to make something they write come to life, it'd be you." 

you mean it as a compliment. 

"I DID CREATE YOUR UNIVERSE." 

"that turned out great." 

"JESUS CHIRST, YOU GIVE A UNIVERSE CANCER ONE FUCKING TIME AND NO ONE EVER LET'S IT GO" 

"let's just make sure you aren't on frog duty in the new session."

"THIS IS ABOUT BREAKING THE GAME, DAVE, NOT PLAYING ALONG WITH IT"

"oh, we're gonna break the game. break that shit so hard skaia is fucking begging for mercy. bend english over our goddamn knees and spank him till he's crying for his mommy"

"THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE TOO SEXUAL DAVE, MAYBE LAY BACK ON TOUCHING OUR ARCH NEMESIS ON THE ASS"

"don't be jealous kitkat" you slap him on the ass for emphasis, and he let's you pin him to the bed (for once) and kiss him till your lips are numb. 

...

some sort of terrifying virus has hit all the trolls. well, all the trolls minus vriska, who has her godtier powers healing her. she's pretty freaked out by it, though, and has been desperately trying to help rose find some sort of a cure. you're a little suspicious that the two are in a black rom thing together, but whatever. if rose wants to get all multicultural, fine. none of you are entirely sure how a virus even got on to this fucking meteor, but you don't doubt it has something to do with the rotting troll corpses that are hidden somewhere in the fucking walls. you've looked around for them a bit since the whole illness thing started with terezi, but haven't found anything. when karkat started showing symptoms, you dropped that whole line of work to make sure he wasn't going to die. 

troll sickness is way grosser than human sickness. way more blood involved. it's actually a little terrifying how much blood can come out of these dudes without them dying. they also cool way the fuck down. normally, karkat's hotter than you are, but he's practically an icicle at this point. maybe that has something to do with all the blood loss. it hasn't hit him too bad yet, but you both saw how quickly terezi went from having the sniffles to being completely incoherent. 

"dude, you're freezing. get into bed." 

"BACK OFF, DAVE. IM FINE AT MY DESK." 

he's not fine at his desk. he's wearing four sweaters and three pairs of socks, and has a towel permanently wrapped around his nose to prevent blood from oozing out onto his clothes. his eyes are starting to well up all red, too. fuck this, you're taking this into your own hands. literally. you captchalog his husktop and scoop him up into your arms. he barely puts up any physical fight. he must be feeling worse that he's letting on. 

"WHERE IN BULGE LOVING FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TAKING ME? I WAS PERFECTLY CONTENT IN MY RESPITE BLOCK, CRAFTING VIRUSES THAT WILL TEAR THE NEW UNIVERSE APART."

"first of all kitkat, we're trying to *save* the new universe, remember? and we're going to my tent. it's warmer in there. can't stand your cold clammy hands anymore bro" 

karkat responds by sneezing six times in a row. there's a distinctive "plop" on the ground that could only be his soaked nose-towel ejecting from his face. there's definitely blood on your cape now. you'd be annoyed, but you can feel him shivering. you get him settled in your bed as fast as possible, and shove a bunch of blankets on top of him. 

you're not really sure where to go from there.

"IM GOING TO BLEED ALL OVER YOUR SHEETS DAVE" he tries to start another sentence, but his teeth keep chattering. 

"s'cool dude. you do whatever you gotta do. we'll alchemize some more later. maybe ones with like, robots on them or some shit. crab robots. i know how you like crabs."

you see him visibly relax, burying his face into the pillow. he's still shivering, though. 

"is there like, any other way you guys usually get over this shit?" 

"I WAS ONLY SICK ONCE WHEN I WAS A GRUB. MY LUSUS COVERED ME IN SOPOR SLIME SO I PASSED OUT, AND HELD ME UNTIL MY TEMPERATURE CAME BACK UP. I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER ANYTHING ELSE. I W-FUCK IT'S COLD. USUALLY I'D GO INTO MY RECUPERACOON, BUT THAT'S COVERED IN FUCKING CLOWN BLOOD." 

you can't really help him out with the sopor slime. all of that is being allocated to keeping gamzee as high as fucking possible in his closet. you sure as shit can hold him, though. you don't want blood on your clothes, so you strip them off. you're a little conflicted as to what to do with your binder, though. he can see you struggling with it, and speaks up.

"I KNOW THOSE ARE HARD FOR YOU TO ALCHEMIZE STRIDER. I'VE SEEN YOU TOPLESS BEFORE. JUST GET THE FUCK INTO BED, I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE"   
oh, good, he's a drama queen when he's sick. you listen, though, and climb under the covers next to him in only your boxers. he springs on you like a magnet- a freezing fucking icicle magnet- and wraps himself completely around you, still shivering. 

"MY GRUB SCARS MIGHT BLEED" he groans. 

"gross dude" you say, but you reach down to feel them so he knows it's alright. they're sticky, probably with blood or mucus or some disgusting alien fluid you don't even have a name for. 

"CAN YOU KEEP DOING THAT"

it's the first time karkat's ever actually asked you for anything in a kind and considerate way, so you figure you better not stop. you put a hand on either side of him as he lies on top of you and work your fingers into his scars. his purring noise starts up, but in a much less sexual way than you're used to. he's still cold, but not completely freezing anymore. 

"you feeling better dude" 

"NO. MY TEMPERATURE IS GOING TO START FLUCTUATING. SOMETIMES TROLLS ARE A LITTLE OUT OF IT WHEN THEY HEAT UP. I MIGHT SAY SOME FUCKED UP STUFF." 

oh, good. 

"you're pretty much a huge dick to me when you're lucid so i think i've got it under control" 

"THIS IS MOIRAIL TERRITORY RIGHT HERE STRIDER. I'M FEELING SUPER PALE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW." 

"i hope you're still feeling flushed too karkles. that's how the whole boyfriend thing works." 

"HELL YEAH" 

and he slaps a hand on your boob. you'd yell at him for the intrusion, but he actually is getting hot. hotter than usual. plus you're happy as hell that he's capable of feeling flushed and pale at the same time. you honestly weren't sure if the boyfriend thing was going to work out on his end. 

"you need some ice or something dude"

"IM STILL FUCKING FREEZING STRIDER. DON'T YOU DARE MOVE A FILAMENT BUNDLE" 

"sure man" 

"HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU ABOUT MY LUSUS?" 

"crab dad? nah, not really." 

his scars are getting extra gooey now. definitely blood. it's oozing from his nose too. 

"SOME LUSI ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE. VRISKA IS ESSENTIALLY ONLY A MURDERER BECAUSE OF HERS. ERIDAN, TOO. YOU NEVER MET ERIDAN. HE WAS A DICK. HE TRIED TO FUCK ME WAY TOO MANY TIMES TO BE CONSIDERED SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE. ANYWAY, HE'S DEAD NOW." 

"what about your crab dad?" get him back on track. 

"SOMETIMES WE WOULD HUNT TOGETHER. HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO USE MY SICKLES. DON'T GET ME WRONG, STRIDER, HE WAS BETTER THAN YOUR PATHETIC PARENTAL FIGURES. HE'D FUCK AN INTRUDER RIGHT THROUGH THE NAVEL PASSAGE. BUT WE COULD GO INTO THE FOREST TOGETHER, KILL SOME DINNER THAT WASN'T ANOTHER FUCKING TROLL. JUST A NORMAL EVERYDAY LESSER BEAST. HE'D ALWAYS TRY TO EAT IT RAW. I'D HAVE TO FIGHT WITH HIM, THROW IT ON A FIRE, YELL AT HIM ABOUT BEAST DISEASES" 

"that actually sounds nice bro. kind of reminds me of me and my bro" 

"IT FUCKING SUCKS THAT THEY'RE DEAD DAVE" 

you hold him tighter

"CRAB DAD WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU."

loser said crab dad hell yes

"I WISH YOU COULD HAVE COME HUNTING WITH US"

"i wish you could've strifed with me and bro dude." 

"DO YOU EVEN WANT TO MEET THIS ALTERNATE VERSION OF HIM" 

shit. honest feverish karkat is a hell of a lot worse than angry feverish karkat

"i have no idea. it'll be cool that he's not dead, but, he's my bro, but he's not my bro." 

"THAT'S KIND OF HOW I FEEL EVERY TIME I LOOK AT GAMZEE" 

"fuck the juggalo karkat"

"HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND" 

"yeah. i know." 

neither of you really know what to say after that, and he seems to be cooling off again, uncomfortably quickly. both of you drift off to sleep, chests rising and falling together. 

you wake up partially because you're drenched, and partially because you feel like there's a literal sun laying on your chest. karkat is still fast fucking asleep, but he's covered in blood. you're kind of freaking the fuck out, and only manage to toss one of your old record shirts on before you run to find rose, still covered in karkat's fluids. 

"rose what the fuck do i do" 

chick still has some green in her hair. kanaya must not be better yet.

"He must be in the bleeding phase. Terezi is doing much better now, he should be alright in a few days. If you can take him to the showers, it helps to clean out their grub scars."

"rose i am covered in fucking alien blood right now and karkat's temperature has to be like one twenty. how are you so fucking calm." 

"Trust me, Dave, I wasn't when Kanaya was sick either. Vriska talked me through it. It's going to be okay. If you need any help..." 

"nah, he'd freak out if anyone saw him like this"

"You're seeing him like this." 

"exactly" 

"Well, if you need any food, this whole bag is full of soup."

"they eat soup?"

"Not traditionally, but it was all I could think to make for her in my panic... mom used to... uh." 

"rose, i'd hug you but all the red might give your troll girlfriends the wrong impression" 

"Yes, Dave, they'll definitely believe Karkat is interested in women" 

"isnt he. i thought trolls weren't gay or whatever" 

"Have you met Kanaya?"

"good point, sis. no time to drag this shit out though. gotta alchemize a microwave and get a really bloody troll to the showers" 

its easy enough getting the cans and the microwave back to your room, but getting freezing-again karkat to the showers is much more of a challenge. it'd be fine if he just flopped over your shoulder like he did yesterday, but the little shit tries to wriggle incoherently out of your grasp the entire way down the hall. it's clear by the time you draw up a warm bath for him that you're going to have to get into the tub with him. 

"karkat. buddy. i'm going to need you to pay attention to me okay." 

"WHAT NOW S... STRI..... SHHH" and he's out again

"karkat. karkat, bro, fuck."

"JUST UNDRESS ME IM TIRED"

"it's just, the first time i'll see you naked karkat. i need to know you're cool with this." 

"DAVE, I'M SICK"

"yeah man i know"

"I WANT A BATH"

"are you sure dude"

"JUST DON'T TOUCH MY NOOK" 

you have no idea what a nook is, so you figure that'll be easy enough to accomplish. 

it's pretty difficult stripping someone who, as much as they're trying to help you, is barely strong enough to hold up their arms. it's even harder getting him to wait to crawl into the bath until you strip down, too. 

god, you're naked in front of him. you hope he doesn't freak out that you don't have an actual biological dick. at least not yet. although, whatever it was you've been feeling in his pants doesn't seem to be there either, so fuck it whatever let's get in this bath. 

it feels incredible scraping all the caked on blood from your skin into the water. karkat is invigorated by the sensation enough to put a little effort into cleaning himself, but you help him out with the grub scars. there's a lot of blood pooled in them, and you can tell he feels a hell of a lot better when you really get in there and dig it out. 

"I CAN ACTUALLY BREATHE FUCK" 

his head is resting on your chest as you fiddle around with the bath. he's even stopped oozing from all his goddamn disgusting orifices. little dude seems just as relieved as you are. the violent shivering has stopped, and he's got his eyes closed with everything but his head submerged. you move your hands up from his now-clean sides to his horns. the pseudo-purr rumbling in his chest starts when you wrap your hands around them, massaging the skin where head meets horn. he puts a hand on your knee, squeezes, let's go. his breathing shallows the more you run your fingers through his hair until he's fast asleep, mouth lulling open. 

it's probably sadistic, but you like this. karkat needing you to take care of him for a bit. the prick is usually so aggressively independent. you like that, most of the time. you've spent most of your life on your own, it'd be too overwhelming if you suddenly had a clingy fucking alien tailing you all the time. but it's nice for a few days, knowing he needs you. karkat bolts up in the bath, pulling you out of your thoughts. 

"FUCK" 

"dude whats-"

you don't even finish your sentence before he vomits over the side of the tub. on second thought, fuck sick karkat. 

he manages to sit alone in the draining tub while you dress yourself and clean up his puke. you're making yourself a boyfriend of the year award later. one trophy alchemized directly to you. when you're finished with that disgusting task, you attempt to help karkat out of the tub, but he brushes you off.

"I FEEL BETTER, I CAN DO IT MYSELF" 

"you can towel off your naked body but not clean up your own barf? seems like i'm getting the shit end of the deal here bro" 

"IT'S NOT CUTE WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT MY NUTRITION CHUTE EXPULSIONS" 

"im usually cute then?" 

"DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I HAVE ENERGY TO EXPEND ON YOUR VERBAL BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW?" 

"strider, one, karkat, zero"

"IM GOING TO EVISCERATE YOU WHEN IM HEALTHY AGAIN"

"you cant even put on pants by yourself dude. i think i'll be okay"

it's pretty cute to see him yelling at you while you're literally dressing him. 

you try scooping him up to carry him back to bed, but he protests.

"I'M NOT A GRUB, I CAN STAND UP ON MY OWN" 

he still places an arm around you waist and leans most of his weight into you as he stumbles, slowly, back to your room. which smells like vomit and blood. great. 

"uh on second thought dude, maybe we should spend the night at your place." 

he groans, exhausted, and slumps over onto your chest. 

"need me to carry you kitkat?" 

"MMPHH" 

"i've got you bro. i'll pick you up bridal style, carry you through the threshold of our brand new home and start our new lives together. maybe get you knocked up with a couple kids, make a real wife out of you" 

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT A WIFE IS, BUT IF IT GET'S ME TO BED, LET'S JUST DO IT" 

you pretend he didn't just say that, because you sure as fuck aren't about to get engaged in a room covered in troll blood to a feverish dude who has no idea what he's just consented to. when you get to this new session, though, maybe you have a little chat with karkat about the traditional climax of a human relationship. or maybe something a little less insane. you'll decide later. right now you're gonna just focus on sliding under his covers next to him, and getting a trash can in front of him every time he starts to look queasy. you drift off, exhausted. you've probably been awake for two days straight, making sure this shit head didn't die. 

"DAVE" 

oh, god, is he waking you up early again? did you guys have a talk about this shit? 

"DAVE WAKE UP"

he places a hand on your arm- it's burning. and not like, the human temperature metaphorical burning. it actually burns you a little bit. shit, right, he's sick.

"karkat, fuck, you're hot" 

he's sitting up, eyes wide, red pouring down from them. it's definitely not blood. you think he might be crying. 

"karkat talk to me your temperature is too high tell me what to do" 

"I THINK I'VE BEEN HALLUCINATING. I WONDER IF THIS IS WHAT THE HONEY WOULD DO TO SOLLUX." 

"karks what are you talking about dude come on"

"THEY'RE EVERYWHERE. HE'S EVERYWHERE. HIS LAUGH, DAVE, HIS FUCKING LAUGH." 

yeah, he's definitely crying. this is probably what he was warning you about, days ago. fever crying. it's not like you've never been there. you remember a few flus you spent whining at bro, who would awkwardly make you soup and put an arm around you while playing his xbox with his other hand. you can totally be that guy for karkat. probably better than that guy. you miss bro, but dude wasn't always the best caretaker. 

"FUCKING JACK, THERE'S A WHITE ONE, THERE'S A WHITE ONE, AND SHE'S GOT HER SWORD IN YOU"

"nah dude, don't worry, i'm right here"

"YOU FLEW RIGHT BY ME TO FIND JADE"

"jades not here either man. just me and you." 

"YOU KNOW I CAN'T FLY"

"we're working on that bro, you're gonna fly before this is over" 

"I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DIE FOR THAT STUPID GIRL"

"she's my friend karkat"

"FUCK YOU. DIE FOR ME INSTEAD. I'M THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU."

you aren't really sure what to say. this isn't how you wanted to hear him say that. you honestly didn't expect him to ever say that. 

you realize karkat is still crying, so you envelop him in your arms. it hurts. like, a lot. he's still way too hot, but he's grabbing onto the front of your shirt like he'll die if you let him go, so you just let him stay there with his face buried in your neck until his sobbing subsides, his cries about his dead friends die down, and he's asleep in your lap. you don't risk going back to sleep, terrified he'll actually die if you take your eyes off him. you keep yourself awake checking his pulse, his breathing, his REM cycles. his fever breaks around morning. you get up to make food. neither of you have eaten in days. 

sick karkat hates soup. sick karkat hates crackers. sick karkat hates cereal, and grub sauce (whatever the fuck that even is), and pretty much anything else your limited culinary skills allow you to make. the only thing sick karkat does not hate is ice cream. holy hell, he likes ice cream. 

"MY OPINION OF HUMANITY MIGHT BE IMPROVING" 

you're pretty sure he's getting better. his temperature stopped fluctuating hours ago, and his sentences have begun making sense again.

"i hope it's because of how hella cool your boyfriend has been, making sure you don't die and shit. i'm a regular romeo." 

"GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR EXPULSION CHUTE, POMPOUS PRICK, I AM OBVIOUSLY REFERRING TO THE FROZEN MOO BEAST MILK TREATS" 

"i told you it was ice cream six times karkat, you're just trying to piss me off with the alien names at this point" 

"I WANT MORE OF THE GREEN ONE" 

"mint, karkat, that's mint chocolate chip. wish i could take you to Friendly's, get you a monster sunday, all reeses and whipped cream up in that shit" 

"YOU HAVE REESES ON EARTH?" 

"cotton candy, reeses, and mutant blood. the shit y'all programmed our universe with is ridiculous." 

"THE WONDER OF COTTON CANDY ISN'T SOMETHING YOU SHOULD COMPARE TO MY DISGUSTING MUTANT BLOOD"

"damn karkat, i was just messing around. i've been drowning in your blood for days now, fucking alien bleeding when you're sick bullshit. me and your blood are tight now. best bros. love your blood."

he freezes up when you say "love". you threw it in intentionally. you want to know if he'd remember saying it last night. if he really means it. from the looks of it, he does. you let it go. you're not ready for that shit yet. 

"what were you hallucinating anyway dude? sounded morbid as hell." 

"I DON'T THINK IT WAS A HALLUCINATION"

"right right i was actually stabbed by a white dog, i forgot, my bad"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN, DAVE, IF YOU COULD LISTEN TO SOMETHING BESIDES YOUR OWN VOICE FOR ONCE-"

you kiss him.

"go on karkles"

"HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT OUR ANCESTORS?"

"kankri and shit? you know i try to stay by myself in the dream bubbles but i've overheard enough shit"

"NOT THE DANCESTORS, IDIOT, OUR ACTUAL POST SCRATCH ANCESTORS. THE SIGNLESS."

"word, yeah. you've talked about him before. bro was killed for trying to preach out the blood caste system, right? that's how you got your little crab symbol"

"THAT'S A TASTELESS WAY TO DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT HISTORICAL FIGURE IN MY LIFE, BUT SURE, YES DAVE, 'BRO WAS KILLED FOR TRYING TO PREACH OUT THE CASTE SYSTEM'"

"word"

"HIS WORK WAS INSPIRED BY MEMORIES OF HIS PREVIOUS LIFE. HIS PRE-SCRATCH LIFE. KANKRI, SGRUB. HE REMEMBERED. BECAUSE KANKRI WAS A BLOOD PLAYER, THE SIGNLESS REMEMBERED."

"you been remembering shit bro? from what, from your pre-scratch life?"

"NO, NOT PRE-SCRATCH. IT'S THE DOOMED TIMELINE. THE ONE THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ALPHA TIMELINE. I THINK IT MIGHT STILL BE THE ALPHA TIMELINE, IT JUST CHANGED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK JOHN DID, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I'M REMEMBERING THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED BEFORE HE CHANGED IT" 

"so you've got this magic shit coming to you out of nowhere solving all the problems the seers have been working on for months."

"IMAGINE IF I'D GONE GOD TIER"

"flying and alternate life visions? that's some dangerous juju karkat"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP DAVE"

"so what'd you see?"

he goes quiet for a minute, puts down his ice cream spoon, grabs your hand. 

"I WON'T LET YOU DIE THIS TIME." 

he's dead serious, eyes fixed on the ground. you can't help but laugh.

"dude i've seen a thousand dead daves. it's no big deal. alpha dave never dies." 

he grabs your hand harder, looks you dead in the eye. 

"DON'T YOU FUCKING GO AFTER JACK WITHOUT ME FUCKASS. NOT EVEN IF HE'S GOT JADE. ESPECIALLY NOT IF HE'S GOT JADE. YOU WILL WAIT FOR ME, OR I WILL TEAR YOUR LIMBS OFF MYSELF. PROMISE. DAVE, PROMISE." 

"yeah man, i'll wait for you. i won't die. i'm sure john's got this all figured out, you know."

"YES, EGBERT IS KNOWN FOR HIS INTRICATE PLANNING AND UNDERSTANDING OF TIME" 

"ha, dude, good point. i promise, i'll try not to die. now share the fucking ice cream with me, i didn't get all these flavors just to watch you eat them"  
he begrudgingly pops his spoonful of cookies and cream into your mouth, and you swear, this is the happiest you've ever been. 

...

"i know this is totally alien to you, karkat, but this is how dates normally start"

you're out front of his room, dressed up in your sexy as hell red suit, with flowers and everything. 

"DAVE, I'VE TOLD YOU SIX TIMES, WE HAVE DATES ON ALTERNIA. AND HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO ALCHEMIZE ROSES?" he takes them though, puts them on his desk. 

terezi's voice over the loud speaker interrupts the romance, but it's all a part of your plan:

"DR34M BUBBL3 4PPRO4CH1NG. PR3P4R3 FOR A LONG ON3, K1DD1ES"

"WHAT IF IT'S NOT ROMANTIC AT ALL. WHAT IF IT'S SOMEONE'S MEMORY OF THIS STUPID FUCKING METEOR"

"i am so confident that it will be something-"

you feel the shift coming in the middle of your sentence. the scenery around you is completely different, and, shit, you are pumped. 

"WHAT IS THIS PLACE"

"karkat. welcome to a carnival." 

he's quiet for a second.

"DO YOU THINK THIS WAS GAMZEE'S MEMORY?"

goddamn clown. 

"nah, don't worry karkat. i know this carnival. this carnival is in the motherfucking heart of texas. this is my carnival. or dead dave's carnival."  
you sling an arm around him, kiss him on the forehead.

"if carnivals are too hard, we will beeline straight for the end of this bubble. find one with less clown connotations. i'll date you all over dream bubble world."

"IS THIS A PLACE YOU WOULD HAVE TAKEN A HUMAN DATE?"

"oh, hell yes, karkat. this is like, the teenage dream. we are living the teenage human dream right now, alone at a carnival." 

karkat turns to you, grabs both of your hands, and kisses you. he barely ever initiates the kiss. 

"DATE ME UP, STRIDER." 

hell. fucking. yes. 

"okay, shit, there is so much for you to see. first, i'm gonna scare the crap out of you. then i'm going to win you some shit. then romance." 

you grab him by the wrist and drag him, running, towards some of the rides. first up: the roller coaster. and it's a big one. if you weren't so used to high rise buildings, you'd be a little nervous riding up the giant hill. karkat is, next to you, clutching on to your arm, but the second you're heading down he lets go and starts laughing. 

"I FUCKING LOVE THIS" is all you can make out over the rattling of the coaster. you feign a little bit of terror as you shoot by a particularly sharp corner, just for the excuse to grab his hand again, but neither of you has stopped smiling the entire ride. you're out of breath when the machine comes to a halt at the exit.

"DAVE, LET'S DO IT AGAIN"

adrenaline junkie. 

"there's tons of rides karkat, we can come back later."

"DAVE." he squeezes your hand a bit tighter and kisses you, again. carnivals apparently are great for romance.

"alright, alright, once more" you smile, turning your hand-holding up a notch by lacing your fingers together. he doesn't let you leave till you've been around the coaster seven times. you figure at the end of it you don't have time to try very many more rides and head directly for some munchies. 

"COTTON CANDY? I HAVEN'T HAD THIS IN SWEEPS. MY LUSUS WAS NEVER A HUGE FAN OF FESTIVALS" he doesn't give you a chance to offer to pay for it (not that there's anyone to pay, but you're all about the authentic human date here) before he's sauntering back with some nice pink fluffy sugar for you to share. you devour it in minutes on your walk over to the carnival games, both getting sticky as hell shoving it in each other's mouths. 

"DAVE I WANT THAT CRAB"

oh, fuck yes, it's at one of those water-shooting games. you rock at these. thanks, texas, for getting you nice and familiar with target practice.   
"gonna have to play me for it."

you manage to win the giant stuffed crab for him, but he kicks your ass at knocking over bottles and picks out a large stuffed alligator for you, because it reminds him of your consorts. you didn't realize he'd been watching you so closely during your sburb game. thought he was all caught up with john and jade and clown hunting. you put that in your back pocket as something to make fun of him for later. 

it's been awhile in the dream bubble at this point, so you figure you'd better head him over to the big finish before the meteor pops out of it. you hold his hand the whole way there, looking up at the stars, pointing out some constellations to him while he tells you about the moons of alternia. 

"here we are kitkat, the ferris wheel, mother of all romance on earth."

"IT LOOKS LIKE MUCH LESS FUN THAN THE ROLLER COASTER" 

"hey, trust me"

you take him by the hand (you're really into his hands, okay? all cute and long with these killer fucking claws on the end) and get yourselves settled on the ride. you slide your arm around him all smooth-like, and as the ride ascends he puts a foot up on the handle bar and nestles into your shoulder. 

"here's the part where you tell me all your deep dark secrets. i know you love this part of movies, bro, let's hear it"

"WHAT DEEP DARK SECRETS ARE YOU LOOKING FOR, STRIDER?"

you love when he uses your last name. makes you feel like draco malfoy, especially when he's hiding behind that trademark exasperated tone. 

"tell me your fucking best day on alternia" 

"PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE SAID THIS BACK THEN, BUT I MET GAMZEE IN PERSON, ONCE."

"y'all were usually alone, right?"

"PRETTY MUCH. BUT MY LUSUS WAS GOING TO BE AWAY FOR DAYS, AND HIS WAS NEVER AROUND. I STILL HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE MADE IT TO MY HIVE SO QUICKLY, BUT HE SHOWED UP WITH A BUNCH OF FAYGO AND VIDEO GAMES. PRETTY SURE HE GOT ME SO HIGH THAT I WAS AGREEING WITH HIS RELIGION BULLSHIT. THAT'S LAME AS HELL, ISN'T IT? THAT MY BEST DAY WAS BEING STONED WITH A CLOWN."

"did he know about your blood?" 

"NO ONE DID. I- GAMZEE ALWAYS SAID HE DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY OF THAT. HE WAS COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH TAVROS, AND IT'S SO TABOO FOR A PURPLE BLOOD TO GET THAT CLOSE WITH A BROWN BLOOD. BUT I WASN'T JUST LOW ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM. I WAS-"

"a mutant?" you finish his sentence for him. he looks disgruntled for a moment, before you pull his face up to look at yours. you're nervous as hell, but the moment seems right, and you've been thinking about this for awhile now. you take a deep breath, and pull off your shades. 

"DAVE" 

"even though you've got your blood color all normalized in humans, you still managed to create a mutant boyfriend" 

"MY EYES WILL TURN RED, TOO, EVENTUALLY" 

you didn't know that, but it makes you so fucking happy. 

"i love you, karkat" 

"I KNOW" 

he mumbles, blushing, settling back into the crook of your shoulder. 

"you're not gonna say you love me too, bro?"

"I KNOW YOU HEARD ME SAY IT WHEN I WAS SICK" 

"come on karkat. spill your guts to me"

"NO"

"don't be shy dude. i just showed you my eyes and shit"

"FINE, DAVE. I AM FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU THAT I HAVE COMPLETELY LOST FAITH IN QUADRANTS. I AM SO BLINDED BY YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN ROMANCE THAT YOU'VE FILLED ALL OF MINE. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?" 

you kiss him, glasses still resting on top of your head, getting so close your eyelashes touch. you don't let go of his face until the ride touches the ground, and the dream bubble fades away. you walk him back to his room and kiss the motherfucker passionately at his doorstep, and say goodnight like the gentleman you are. 

luckily, karkat isn't a gentleman, and drags you inside by the shirt. 

he's terrible at keeping things tame once he get's excited. he has you on the bed with your shirt off before you've even realized you've made it past the door. you've previously given him permission to see you in your binder, but nothing past that quite yet. karkat is much less conservative about his body, at least after he recovered from his illness. you saw him all kinds of gooey and naked then, so nothing is much of a shock anymore. you love peeling his shirt from his skin just slow enough to frustrate him, slipping your fingers past his grub scars. they're more sensitive when he's turned on, and his purring feels incredible when he's pressed up against you. 

"GLASSES OFF STRIDER"

it's a demand, not a request, but you have no problem tossing them aside so you can press your face further into his. he still uses his teeth to tease your lips, your tongue. you bite him back, now. his skin is tougher than yours, but if you use enough pressure you can get a little blood flowing into your mouth. as much as you enjoy being in control, you love him on top of you like this, legs straddling your lap. he's grinding into you more than usual, and you press your pelvis back up into the movement. god, you want his jeans off. 

"karkat, can i?" you breathe into his ear, tugging at his belt loops. he's unzipping them immediately, and you pull them off of him together.   
you need a moment to take this all in, this alien in only his boxers kneeling above you, hands on your thighs tugging off your pants, looking at you like he might die if he doesn't have you. it feels stupid good to press your pubic bone into his, lips still crashing together, when the only barrier is two pairs of boxers. you've got your hands all over him, fondling his grub scars, cupping his ass, and you're both moaning into each other's mouths. 

"DAVE, IT'S TOO GOOD"

"i know, fuck"

"NO, I'M GOING TO-"

you feel it again, that writhing in his pants that you felt once in the bathroom. he doesn't pull away this time, just stills his hips on top of yours and waits for your reaction. it's still moving, though, and you can tell how fucking good he feels. 

"do you want today to be my lesson in alien anatomy?" 

"FUCK YES" he exhales, falling back into your lips. you both make a move to remove his boxers at the same time, and you laugh as your hands get tangled up in each other. 

"i'm on top for this" you say, and he immediately flips off of you onto his back. his gives you one final look up and down before sliding his boxers off. you look down, and you fall in love. it's essentially a red tentacle dick, dripping with what you can only imagine is alien precum. it's slipping out from something that looks remarkable like a human vagina. just above the tentacle are a few horizontal ridges that remind you of grub scars. 

"i'm going to taste fucking all of this" you say, mouth literally watering, as you kiss his lips one last time. 

"WAIT, WHAT?" 

shit, fuck, too much pressure. you scoot away. 

"shit, no, if we're just looking that's cool too, my bad dude"

"YOU... WITH YOUR MOUTH? HUMANS DO THAT?" 

"oh yeah karkat. do trolls not do that? y'all are missing out." or so you assume. 

"YES, ALL I'VE IMAGINED MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE IS A MOUTH FULL OF RAZORS TO GRAZE MY BULGE." he says sarcastically, pointing to his fangs, but then adds:

"IT'S NOT GROSS?" 

"karkat, you're the most beautiful fucking thing i've seen in my entire life. and i'm the creator of sweet bro and hella jeff. i've seen a lot of beauty. plus, no monster teeth here." 

you look at each other for a few moments. he looks determined as hell, and grabs your hand, moving it slowly towards his still-slithering bulge. it's hot and wet as it slips between your fingers, wrapping itself around your hand. karkat let's out the most erotic noise you've ever heard as soon as it contacts your skin.

"OKAY. WITH YOUR MOUTH. I- YES. TRY. FUCKING TRY IT IF YOU WANT, STRIDER, I WANT. AHH, FUCK, I WANT YOUR MOUTH" 

you don't need him to ask a second time. you flashstep your ass between his legs, face all up in his business. 

"i'm gonna take this shit real slow. see exactly what makes you feel good. then i'm gonna make you cum all over my goddamn face" 

karkat is practically in tears as your tongue teases at the entrance to his nook, hand moving from his bulge to part the tight skin. 

"does a finger feel good?" you ask. he's ridiculously tight around you, you don't think you could fit more fingers in if you tried, and you can feel the base of his bulge wriggling inside. you replace the finger with your tongue, and he bucks up into you. you lick him harder, flicking against karkat's inner bulge, exploring all the bumps and creases of his nook. 

"DO I TASTE ALRIGHT?" he's looking at you, red-faced and wide-eyed

"you taste like candy" you tell him, moving your mouth away from his nook, red juices dripping down your chin. his bulge is moving a hell of a lot faster now, tip nudging your lips begging for entrance. you part them, allowing him to slide inside. 

"DAVE, DAVE, FUCK, I LOVE YOU, DAVE" he's a puddle of ecstasy, and you can't get enough. the tentacle is moving on it's own, exploring your cheeks, your teeth, the roof of your mouth, occasionally making the adventurous journey down your throat. not having to bob your head up and down gives you much more energy to focus on your tongue. you have it wrapped around his bulge, putting extra pressure on each new ridge you find along it. you venture some light sucking action, and his knees buckle. 

"MY NOOK. FUCK, FINGER AGAIN, PLEASE, DAVE" 

how can you say no to that? you murmur in agreement, slight vibration from your vocal cords sending shivers up his body, as you move one finger, then two- he must be more turned on now- inside of his nook. your mouth is still working his bulge, sucking and licking, while you twist and pull your fingers inside of him. you feel something by your nose, and look up to see two of his fingers stroking the mini-grub scars on his pubic bone. little fuck is masturbating while you suck him off and finger him. if you had a penis, you'd come in your pants right now. 

"DAVE, I CAN'T ANYMORE. I'M GOING TO, FUCK, DAVE" 

he looks nervous, but you suck harder, press your tongue against the longest ridge on his tentacle, and move the tips of your fingers up and towards you. his fingers are working furiously, and then push down hard. 

his moans turn to desperate screams riddled with your name, and there's a sudden rush of liquid out of his nook. the opening is squeezing frantically against your fingers, bulge pulsing furiously as is releases sweet red cum into your mouth. it's like this for minutes, just shouts of ecstasy and flowing genetic material that you struggle (and mostly fail) to consume. when it's over, he looks like he's going to die. 

you wipe yourself off the best you can, and slither up into his embrace, pulling the blankets over you. 

"karkat, i really do love you"

"I LOVE YOU TOO, DAVE." 

you fall asleep tangled up in each other, only mildly concerned about the puddle of troll-jizz. 

you can never quite tell what time it's supposed to be on the meteor, but you can tell you've been asleep for awhile when you feel the tips of karkat's claws dragging lazily over your back. you're laying facedown on top of him, breathing in the scent of his neck. he might taste like candy, but he smells like a forest, like pinecones, like old books, like a sunny attic. he smells home, which is stupid as hell, because you've never really felt like you had a home. he smells like something you couldnt stop kissing if you wanted to. which is exactly what you're doing, lips leaving light smooches on his collarbone while purrs echo faintly from his chest. 

"how long have you been up?" you ask after awhile, hands waking up enough to trace circles on his biceps. 

"I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO SLEEP IN" so he's been up for hours.

"well, shit karkles, we've never done that before." you say, referencing the night before.

"NO SHIT STRIDER" 

"i think i was pretty into it though."

"YOU LOOKED PRETTY INTO IT FROM MY PERSPECTIVE" 

"oh, like you could see anything. your vision was red with pleasure, blinded by the fury that is dave strider's mouth" 

"I COULD BEAT YOU"

"beat me at sucking yourself off? i know you're flexible kitkat, but not even you could bend the fuck in half. that's some olympic gymnist shit. are you confessing to me that you're kerri strug in disguise right now? i just came to terms with being in a gay relationship with an alien, don't know if my psyche can handle it if you turn out to be some human chick in disguise" 

"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?" 

"yeah dude, i'm totally the only one who get's distracted when i'm talking. you are always directly on point, never on a tangent, and definitely at all costs avoiding yelling at yourself" 

"I WAS TRYING TO BE SEDUCTIVE, YOU KNOW" 

"you have got to work on your flirting" 

"DO YOU WANT ME TO RETURN THE FAVOR OR NOT?"

oh, you do. 

except that he still has no idea that you don't actually have a penis, or a bulge, or whatever the fuck traditional biological male junk he's expecting. and you're terrified of losing him over your genitals. your female bits also make you uncomfortable as hell, so you just aren't entirely sure that having someone's face all up in there is gonna get you off. unluckily for you, you never put your glasses back on last night, so he sees all of this anxiety cross your face. 

"IF YOU AREN'T READY, WE CAN JUST DO ME AGAIN." 

oh my god, this dude is incredible. fuck it, you are so ready. 

"un-fucking dress me." 

you always forget how strong he is, how quickly he can flip you on your back when he wants to. if you were to ever actually fight him, he could probably kill you. but he's not trying to kill you right now. instead, he is successfully tearing away your binder, shoving off your boxers. it's more aggressive than last night. you stop him after he undresses you, before he gets a chance to look at you.

"hey dude" you start, pulling his chin up to your face

"ARE YOU OKAY"

"yeah man. but remember that conversation we had awhile ago? outside the vents and shit"

"I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE UPSET ABOUT YOUR BODY"

"word?"

"IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO TOUCH YOU, I DON'T HAVE TO. I THINK IT'S STUPID TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF THOUGH. I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE YOU"

"you don't get it, dude. this isn't... this isn't my body. this isn't how you're supposed to see me." 

"I DON'T CARE HOW YOU LOOK, IDIOT. I'D LOVE YOU IF YOU WERE A MUTANT. WHICH, OKAY, WHICH I GUESS YOU ARE, SO THAT'S NOT EXACTLY THE BEST EXAMPLE. FUCK. I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, DAVE. I WANT TO SEE YOU AS HAPPY AS YOU MADE ME FEEL LAST NIGHT. BUT SERIOUSLY, IF YOU JUST WANT TO DO ME FOR THE REST OF THE METEOR TRIP, UNTIL WE CAN GET YOUR BODY SORTED OUT, FUCK. I WON'T COMPLAIN." 

"you know what karkat? i trust you. if anyone's going to see my stupid body, it should be you. just don't expect it to be the body i have forever." 

"I KNOW. IF YOU GET FREAKED OUT, YOU CAN TELL ME TO STOP."

"i know." 

"READY?"

"this is a really fucking cliche conversation bro" 

"WELL I DON'T KNOW DAVE, I DON'T EXACTLY HAVE THE HANDBOOK ON TYPICAL HUMAN PRE SEX INTERACTIONS" 

"just eat me out bro" 

he bares he teeth at you and looks down at your naked body. the anticipation of it was honestly a hell of a lot more terrifying than the reality. his grey skin hovering over your pale form, scanning it, taking it all in, it's almost sexier than seeing all of his alien junk last night. he's staring at your tits right now, and actually boops one of your nipples with his index finger. 

"I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD FEEL LIKE." he explains. your boyfriend is ridiculous. 

"just stick with the sexy stuff karkat"

"IT SEEMED LIKE THE KIND OF THING YOU WOULD PRESS"

"my nipple isn't a button"

"BOOP" he boops it again

"karkat what the fuck"

"IT'S GETTING HARDER. I KNEW PRESSING IT WOULD DO SOMETHING. BOOP." he boops them both at the same time. 

"maybe try with your tongue dude" 

he shoots you an exasperated look, like this whole thing was actually just about him booping your goddamn nipples and not about being sexy, but slips his tongue out suggestively. you've never seen it not in his mouth before, but it's long and grey and a bit thicker than your own. honestly, he's missing out dating a human instead of a troll, their bodies are so much better equipped for sex. you'd better never bring that up. oh shit, the tip of his tongue is on your nipple. 

"I KNOW YOU LIKE TO WEAR YOUR BINDER, BUT IN YOUR GOD TIER OUTFIT, I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU HAVE THESE" 

jesus he's going to give you a motivational speech while he sucks on your boobs. his hands are massaging you now, making circles around your nipples, lightly cupping you. you can feel his nook getting slick as it rests on your pelvis, and you're finding yourself equally wet. 

"that's actually really good karkat... with... ah... the tongue... yeah" 

okay, you thought your words were going to be a little more eloquently strung together. he's going to tear you apart. 

"CAN I?" he asks, placing a hand on the lips of your pussy, mouth still alternating between the hardened buds on your chest. you put a hand on his face and push him playfully down towards your crotch. he growls, paps your hand away, and slinks inbetween your legs on his own. 

his nails are grasping each of your thighs, holding them open. you're squirming under the heat of his breath on your pussy. you've never had something touch you before, other than your own hands. it's already almost too much. 

"SO WHAT HAPPENS DOWN HERE"

karkat is definitely not as smooth as you are, but at least he has you laughing. 

"STRIDER I'M SERIOUS NOTHING IS COMING OUT AND THERE'S A BUNCH OF SKIN WHERE ARE THE PARTS THAT FEEL GOOD" 

you mentally high five yourself for being a natural at alien anatomy, and prepare to give your troll boyfriend a lesson in the perfect human orgasm.

"okay, so, see this? that's my clit, bro. that's where most of the good feeling comes from. i think it's kinda like those scars you've got above your bulge. and then below that is my vagina. kinda like your nook, i think. just feels different inside." 

"SO WHAT'S THE BODY YOU WANT TO HAVE LOOK LIKE" 

woah, loaded question. 

"i'd have uh, something kind of like your bulge. they're just less tentacle-y for humans. more like a rocket ship." 

he nods, and then jams his tongue into your clitoris. holy. hell. you're sweating, seeing stars. he didn't bother starting slow, just went in full force, flicking wildly, making circles around the nub. one of his hands trails up from your leg back to your breast, holding your nipple hard, rubbing it between two of his fingers. 

"kar....kat" you can barely breathe out his name, hips rolling into his face under the pleasure of his licking. 

he takes a stab at wider, less precise strokes, using the full surface of his tongue to lap at your clit. you rock into this, and he has to move both of his hands back to your thighs to keep you from crushing his skull between them. his claws are drawing blood, and it feels incredible. you have a moment to imagine what his teeth would feel like, slicing into your inner leg, before he starts alternating between those long, wide strokes, and hard, fast flicks with the tip of his tongue. you feel his lips wrapping around your inner labia, the bottom one nestling the very base of your clit. each time it quivers, shivers run up your spine.

"babe, finger me, fuuck" 

"DON'T CALL ME BABE" he blurts out, brushing away the hand you'd let wander into his hair. he pulls away for a second, then slides his tongue fully inside you. you miss the pressure on your clit desperately, but the way he's positioned inside you has him lapping right at your g-spot. he's only there for a second, making sure you're lubricated, before he's back at sucking on your outside, a single finger lightly strumming your insides. 

"more, more" 

you're begging. you feel yourself getting close, the blood pooling in your lower abdomen. you just need a little more. your arch up into his face for emphasis.   
he grabs you by the ass with his free hand, letting you wrap your legs completely around him, moving you closer into him. he slips in a second finger, then a third. they're pounding into you, stretching, caressing. they're brushing past your g-spot, hitting hard, sending lightning up your spine each time they brush past your inner clitoris. 

and, fuck, the work he's doing on your outer clitoris. he's got you inside of his mouth, sucking hard. his tongue is flicking across you quick, strong, over and over and over. you're losing your head. 

"i'm gonna- karkat- i'm- fuck fuck fuck" 

you've never screamed so loud in your life, but it hits you like a truck. you feel the walls of your pussy closing in around his hand, vibrating against him. he doesn't let up the pressure on your clitoris, keeps sucking keeps flicking, keeps digging his knuckles deeper inside of you. you've just come off this wave of an orgasm, and it's too much, too much, and then it's just enough and you're cumming again. you're not speaking anymore, not real words anyway. you can't see, you can't hear, all you feel is his mouth slowing down, his hands slipping from your still-pulsing vagina, your hands on his horns, the deep purrs erupting from his throat. he pulls away, slow, both of you trying to catch your breath. 

"COFFEE" 

"you tired?"

"NO, THAT'S WHAT YOU TASTE LIKE WHEN YOU CLIMAX. COFFEE. SEE?" 

he doesn't give you a chance to answer, just plunges his cum-soaked tongue into your mouth. yeah, it kind of is like coffee. and, shit, it's hot that he did that.   
now that he's on top of you, you notice his bulge splayed out on your stomach. 

"want me to take care of you now?" 

"LET'S SHOWER FIRST. I SMELL LIKE GRUB TRASH." 

"is grub trash inherently more disgusting than run of the mill garbage? and is it like, the trash that grubs make? or are y'all just throwing little trolls babies away when they get smelly, calling em garbage?" 

"DON'T QUESTION ME DAVE." 

"maybe i just get you off in the shower then" 

you swear, he winks at you as he stands, throwing on a shirt.   
...

"DAVE, YOU ARE A LYING SACK OF HORNS, IT IS MY TURN TO CHOOSE THE GAMES" 

"dude, do you really think i'm that stupid? not only did you pick last week, you also picked the week before" 

"YOUR THINKPAN MUST BE RUSTING."

"dude."

"FUCK YOU"

"we are playing mario kart"

"I AM NOT GOOD AT THIS GAME DAVE."

"maybe we can play some soul calibur after"

"WHICH ONE IS THAT"

"the one where you kick my ass every goddamn time you button mashing fuck up" 

"FINE." 

it took some effort, but the entire meteor crew managed to alchemize some gaming systems a few months ago. it's pretty rare to get any actual alone time playing them, though. terezi's become a bit obsessed, fucking nerd. and playing with her is pretty much the worst, she's unbeatable, but you all can't get enough of her kicking ass at these epic open-world games trolls have. 

"DAVE, STOP, I WANT TO BE THE SMALL GREEN ONE. DAVE. FUCKING CUT IT OUT." 

for you, half the fun is just fucking with karkat. he's completely incapable of concentrating if he isn't playing with his favorite character, get's all hot and bothered and falls in sand traps trying to hit you with shells. 

"sorry dude, seems like i got him first. maybe try being peach" 

holy shit, does karkat hate peach. 

he chooses luigi, because luigi pisses you the fuck off. fuck luigi. 

"NOT THE RAINBOW ONE DAVE, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" 

"dude you were getting so good at it last time, you made it around the track one whole time bro. at this rate you'll be coming in seventh when we get to the new session, a true nintendo pro"

"IF I FALL OFF ONE SINGLE TIME, YOU WILL FEEL MY FUCKING WRATH SHIT HEAD" 

he does, about five seconds in, and kicks you in the arm immediately, as if that's enough to knock you off course. you're a mario kart genius. you spent half your life playing against bro. you could beat this track mid-strife, blindfolded. you did once, actually. came in second though. that may or may not contribute to your luigi hate. 

karkat's not one to pout though. the second cloud-homie has him back on the track, he's leaning forward, teeth gritted, murder in his eyes. you love it when he get's like this, when he's really trying. he tries all the fucking time. he tries to kick your ass at mario kart, tries to actually kick your ass when you strife, tries to make you scream his name when he goes down on you, tries to let you sleep in, tries to make his troll-food appetizing to you in the morning, tries to piss you off with his troll movies, tries to write his viruses, tries to make you laugh, tries to remember the fucked up timeline, tries to save the goddamn universe. he fucks up pretty bad, most of the time, but he tries harder than anyone else on this shithole meteor. probably you aren't good enough for him. shit. 

"I KNOW YOU'RE LETTING ME WIN DAVE, PICK UP YOUR FUCKING CONTROLLER SO I CAN BEAT YOU FAIRLY" 

shit, you got distracted. 

"hey man, let's play soul calibur" 

he drops his controller, mid-game, looks at you like you're dying.   
\  
"YOU AREN'T HAVING FUN." 

it's an accusation, not a question. 

"nah, i love mario kart. but let's play something you like." 

now you're feeling all guilty and shit. want to make it up to him, be a little less cool, a little more of a good boyfriend. which will make you cool. 

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"i have to have done shit to be nice? damn karkat, talking to me like you're my wife. if you're gonna nag me like that, better start cooking for me all the time, knitting me sweaters."

"I ALREADY COOK FOR YOU. WHY AREN'T YOU HAVING FUN." 

"i'm having fun" 

"THEN WHY DO YOU WANT TO STOP"

"to be nice to you"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON" 

"you try really hard" 

"IS THAT SOME SORT OF INANE INSULT"

"no, karkat, shit, i'm trying to be serious, let's just do what you want" 

"I WANTED TO PLAY VIDEOGAMES WITH MY BOYFRIEND, BUT NOW HE'S FLIPPING HIS SHIT" 

"you actually want to talk this out right now? throw ourselves on a pile and feelings jam this out?"

"THE PILE ISN'T NECESSARY DAVE, THAT'S A DISGUSTING STEREOTYPE" 

"do you even like me? dating me? i don't know dude, you're kind of the shit, and i'm just here, hanging out, being dave." 

he rolls his eyes, launches his controller into your lap, and kisses you. 

"I SAW YOU HAVING A FIGHT WITH JADE"

"i haven't seen jade in like, two years dude. you're losing your shit." 

"IN THE FAILED TIMELINE"

"uh okay"

"BIRD-DAVE WAS DATING HER. HE FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT AND BROKE HER HEART. DON'T PULL THAT SHIT WITH ME, STRIDER." 

oh. he thinks you're flipping out. are you flipping out? you might be flipping out. you weren't going to break his heart, though. you'd rip out your eyes before breaking his heart. 

"you aren't jade, dude. and i'm not davesprite" 

"THEN QUIT FLIPPING YOUR SHIT AND LET ME DESTROY YOU IN SOUL CALIBUR."

you smirk, hand him back his controller, wrap your arm around him and play intertwined with karkat for the rest of the night. 

"BUT, DAVE, IF YOU'RE CAUGHT UP ON THE BEING NICE TO ME THING, AND KNOW WHAT'S FUCKING GOOD FOR YOU, YOU'LL LET ME BE THE CIRCLE GIRL"

"thats tira, karkat, learn their fucking names." 

you let him play her.

after a small struggle, of course.   
...

it's honestly disgusting that you've all coupled up. it's easy to forget when you're alone with karkat, which is most of the time, but when the whole crew gets together it looks like a giant threeway teenage date chaperoned by none other than the goddamn mayor. 

you're also completely confused about how the fuck the girls are working their shit out, because rose definitely had a black thing going on with vriska for awhile there. karkat keeps trying to explain how that's not completely messed up to you, and you keep not listening. 

but here you are in the lab, perched on a table next to your sister. she's blabbing to terezi about some book you've never read while karkat and vriska tickle the hell out of the mayor. the mayor loves to be tickled. the mayor does not like when his sash gets jostled during the tickling. 

"1TS B33N A LONG TR1P. 1 C4NT W4IT TO T4ST3 TH3 GROUND 4G4IN" 

"I'm looking forward to seeing Rose's planet. Did you ever manage to get there, Dave?" 

"nah, she tells me it's hella sunny though. thought you guys hated that shit." 

"YOU ALL DO REALIZE WE HAVE TO MANAGE NOT TO GET OUR HEARTS RIPPED OUT BY JACK, FIRST, RIGHT?" 

"riiiiiiiight, as if iiiiiiii haven't thought of that. some leader you are, vantas" 

that's a comment you're going to hear a hell of a lot about tonight. shit, you hope he doesn't get all self destructive and cry. 

"right, like his visions haven't been essential to your planning." er. probably didn't need to jump to his rescue there, but you did. 

"I'M A POLITICAL LEADER, YOU'RE JUST RUNNING THE BATTLE, VRISKA." see, he's got himself covered. quick, make a joke:

"nah dude, mayor's the political leader."

"WE AREN'T LETTING THE MAYOR FIGHT, ARE WE?"

"weeeeeeeellllllllllllllll we can't 8xactly leave him on the meteor, can we candy cum?"

uh, so, it's possible that somewhere along the line, you were a little too loud eating karkat out. nickname stuck. whoops. 

"YOU ACTUALLY ARE ESSENTIAL TO THE SUCCESS OF THIS MISSION, VRISKA, AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT IT. YOU'VE GOT TO KNOCK JADE OUT BEFORE SHE SPLITS US UP"

"YOU HUM4NS ARE T3RRIBL3 AT NOT M3SSING S3SSIONS UP."

"I don't know, Terezi, I have a difficult time visualizing Jade as evil. I'm sure there is some outside influence there that Karkat's vision didn't indicate." good old rose, always backing up your homies. 

"yeah jade's solid, i'm sure we'll figure out who's got her mind controlled or whatever." 

karkat's glaring at you. he gets more and more jealous of jade the more he learns about this failed session. you think it's pretty adorable, since you're the only one in the relationship from a monogamous species. you send him a sly wink, so he knows you know. everyone hears him growl in response. 

"ARE YOUR POWERS STRONG ENOUGH FOR THAT, VRISKA? YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PRACTICING AT ALL." 

vriska gets all shifty-eyed. 

"iiiiiiii have actually been using some dream bubbles to practice. as wellllllll as gamzee."

everyone shuffles, awkward. gamzees that one taboo word. everyone's got different opinions about the creep, although you all generally agree that, as fucked up as it may be, you've got to keep him in the fucking closet or you're all probably going to die. 

"GOOD. HE DESERVES IT." 

if gamzee's biggest defender ok's it, it's alright. gamzee as a test subject, reviewed and approved by karkat himself. 

y'all might be a little fucked up. 

"second i get off this meteor, i'm finding john, embracing that little guy, enveloping him all kinds of in my cape." and then promptly showing him your countless sylladexed polaroids of you and your hot boyfriend. 

"IT'D BE FUCKING SWELL IF SOLLUX WOULD SHOW HIS HALF DEAD ASS IN THE NEW SESSION" karkat adds. he misses having a bro around just as much as you do. you're kind of pissed at sollux for ditching karkat for some fairy chick, after karkat dragged him out of the meteor to save his life and shit. ungrateful fucking troll. you guess you'll probably have to get used to him, though. can't be fighting with your boyfriend's best friend. or like, best friend by default, since the rest of them are crazy or dead. whatever. 

rose left the room at some point during the conversation, and you figure it's kind of your job to follow her. brother responsibilities and all. karkat's pretty caught up in his reminiscing with the trolls, so you figure he won't mind you slipping out. 

you find her right outside in the corridor, sitting against a wall, writing in one of her fanfiction journals. she's gotten much more open with sharing them, at least with you. not much to do for entertainment around here. eventually your sister ends up reading you her weird smut. shit happens. 

"yo rose"

"Sup Dave"

"so whats got you leaving so early sis? had enough of the estrogen party?"

"I've been thinking a lot about my mom. our mom."

"our teen mom?"

"Yeah."

"yeah man, i'm nervous to meet bro too. new bro. bro 2.0"

"I'm thrilled that we're getting the opportunity to see them again, but the closer we get to meeting them, the more I'm a bit... resentful that it's not my mom. I'll never get to apologize to her." 

"yeah, man, i know" 

you slump down next to her, sling an arm around her. 

you'd give pretty much anything to be sitting in your room at your old apartment, hiding behind a locked door, praying bro wouldn't bust in and demand help with his latest smuppet video. maybe now you'd even be a little happy when he inevitably did. 

holy shit, what is rose writing in her notebook?

"dude, graphic, this isn't even fanfiction, you're just writing about you and kanaya"

"You're aware of the content of my journal, I can't imagine you'd be reading this unless you were curious. You looking for tips with Karkat?"

"i think you've all heard the success i have with karkat." 

"You sure that's something you want to brag about baby bro?" 

"at least i'm not writing about my sexual exploits. what's up with you and kanaya, anyway? i still don't get how that whole vriska thing is working"

she visibly blushes, shuts her notebook.

"That was a bit of a miscalculation on my end. I was trying to be multicultural, and wanted Kanaya to know I am accepting of other relationships she might choose to have. But I started thinking about the new session, and... there's a chance Kanaya dies. Or I die. Or we win the game, and end up in two separate universes."

"so you got all monogamous?"

"Hell yeah." 

"hey rose?"

"What up?"

"if we get separated, i fucking promise we'll find them. i will watch all of john's stupid space movies a thousand times until i learn to build a space ship that will fly us the fuck to wherever they are" 

"And if they die?"

"you're the one with the black magic obsession. the necromancy shit is all on you." 

"We've got months before we have to worry about it, anyway. Let's get back in there. Kanaya wants you to record that new rap you wrote. She's grown concerningly interested in hip hop."

"oh my god, i have so much to teach her."

"No ICP, this time."

"ha. ha."   
...

"mayor, this is like, legit the best town-wide birthday party i have ever seen. like, i know we've done a bunch of can town birthdays, but shit, dude, you've outdone yourself this time"

little dude jumps up and down, throws some more streamers on the ground. there's an alarming lack of green streamers, even though you're sure you've alchemized some. cannot have been healthy for mayor to have eaten all of those. also, gonna be pretty weird when you're in the new session and shit around you is actually green again. probably a little overstimulating for the mayor, too. you'd better keep a close eye on him. 

"DAVE. I HAVE BROUGHT THE SUGAR CIRCLE, AND THE MINIATURE TORCHES." 

"cake and candles dude, seriously, what is up with your inability to learn my language."

"I THINK I SPEAK ENGLISH JUST FINE DICK WAD. HOW MANY *CANDLES* SHOULD I PUT ON THE *CAKE*? WE USUALLY DO ONE FOR EACH WRIGGLING DAY. IS IT THE SAME CONCEPT WITH HUMAN YEARS."

"yeah man. but. shit. i don't actually know how old bro would be."

"JESUS CHRIST, DAVE, JUST ADD THREE. CAN YOU NOT ADD THREE TO HIS AGE WHEN YOU LAST SAW HIM? SHOULD I DO THIS SIMPLE MATH FOR YOU?"

"no, i mean, i never knew how old he was. shit. this is a terrible fucking birthday party."

"FUCK IT, WE'LL USE ALL THE CANDLES. FROM ALL THE STORIES YOU TOLD ME, HE WAS ALL ABOUT RECKLESS ABANDON."

"good call." 

you're trying to keep your shit together, you really are. 

"shit, or maybe just put three in. we'll call it his death day. get all harry potter up in this bitch."

"SHOULDN'T WE CELEBRATE ON THE DAY OF HIS DEATH, THEN? THAT'S HOW NICK'S PARTY WORKED."

"fuck, you're right. can't even get my head together enough to use my harry potter references correctly. wait, wait, you've got like, troll harry potter?"

"OBVIOUSLY. AND IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THE PATHETIC HUMAN VERSION. EVERYONE KNOWS RON AND HERMIONE WERE CALIGINOUS" 

"karkat, first of all, fuck that, they were a beautiful romance. but i need you to be dead serious when you answer this question. what house are you."

"SLYTHERIN, DAVE, DO YOU NOT KNOW ME AT ALL?"

"bullshit. you're a gryffindor." 

"THOSE STUPID QUIZZES ARE TERRIBLE AT ANALYZING CHARACTER. I WOULD DEMAND TO BE PLACED IN SLYTHERIN, AND THE SORTING HAT WOULD OBLIGE"

"oh my god you're such a gryffindor. you'd be wearing red and gold with me."

"HAUNTED BY FUCKING RED, ALWAYS" 

you're so depressed about your bro that gryffindor karkat barely cheers you up. your boyfriend isn't an idiot, and he can tell, but he has no idea how the fuck to make you feel better, so he's jabbering on and on about troll harry potter, lighting a shit ton of candles on a lopsided cake. it's stupid, but it does make you feel better. or as better as you're gonna feel. 

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING DAVE? ARE YOU NOT APPALLED THAT YOUR VERSION COMPLETELY LEFT OUT THE ROMANTIC DYNAMICS OF THE MARAUDERS?"

"i mean, i think our version was more concerned with taking down the dark lord dude." 

"WE'VE GOT ENOUGH OF THAT IN REAL LIFE"

"but not enough romance?" 

you try being seductive, teasing him, kissing his neck, but it's half-assed as hell. he just makes these pathetic sympathy noises and you melt into his arms.

"DAVE?"

he doesn't know quite what to say. he knows what's wrong, and he's not sure if you want to talk about it. you're not sure if you want to talk about it. you're crying though, so that's something.

"DAVE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR FUCKING SUNGLASSES ON WHEN YOU CRY. I'VE SEEN YOU WITH THEM OFF A HUNDRED FUCKING TIMES"

he has a good point, but he's never seen you cry. 

"i'm not crying karkat, shut the fuck up"

"YEAH, SURE"

there's only like, a hint of sarcasm when he says that. most of his energy is being spent rubbing your back in these rhythmic circles that make you feel like a teenage drama cliche. 

"SHOULD I SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HIM?"

"i dunno, man, i feel like i haven't even told you the best stories about him"

you're still crying, but its not so bad with your face smushed against his chest. 

"THE TIME WITH THE FIRE WASN'T ONE OF THE BEST STORIES?"

"wait shit which fire"

"ON THE ROOF. AN EMERGENCY VEHICLE WAS SENT. BRO CONVINCED THEM TO LET YOU RIDE AROUND ON IT, AND YOU MANAGED TO HIJACK THE VEHICLE ON THE HIGHWAY"

"haha, shit, yeah, i was not a good driver. glad we're not in a world where a license matters anymore. no drivers ed for this strider." 

you've un-buried your face from your boyfriend's shirt, and are sitting cross-legged next to him, cake in front of you, candles mostly a pool of wax at this point. 

"DID YOU CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS WITH YOUR BRO WHILE HE WAS ALIVE?"

"nah. sometimes on my birthday he'd bring home, like, some in-n-out. maybe some kfc. it was nice not having to smuggle food in once a year"

"MY LUSUS WOULD SURPRISE ME WITH A SIMILAR FEAST ON MY WRIGGLING DAY" 

"we'd have these epic strifes around my birthday, too. he always liked to throw me down the stairs, thought it was funny."

"DID THE OTHER HUMANS IN YOUR HIVE FIGHT LIKE THAT? I NEVER NOTICED JOHN OR ROSE OR JADE HAVE SUCH STRIFES WITH THEIR GUARDIANS"

"nah. when i was young the neighbors would try to complain to bro. funniest story, one time this big dude just barged into the apartment while he was making me hold up some smuppets for his latest film. dude freaked out, called child services. three days later they show up all serious, suit and tie bullshit, looking through my fridge and asking me if there's ever food in there. nah man, all smuppets, all the time. and through the whole visit bro's got this straight face on, but half an hour in i realize he's flashstepping behind them with lil cal, and the dcf lady finally catches on and just thinks this creepy motherfucking ghost is tailing her. never seen someone run so fast in my life."

"WAIT, DUDE, HE MADE YOU FILM PORN WHEN YOU WERE A KID?"

"just puppet shit. it's some funny material, wish i still had it." 

"DO YOU HAVE ANY NON-PORN STORIES?"

"this is good too, i actually didn't know lil cal existed till i was, like, nine. i would find all these pictures all over my house, of me asleep, in the shower, shit like that, with this creepy clown behind me. i started looking the fuck out for that shit, i was on edge for months. finally caught him one day. only time i've caught bro off-guard. he told me he thought i was too stupid to ever catch on to the flash-stepping shit. he was hella proud of me that day."

karkat's still just giving you this puppy-dog pity face, his sharp teeth hanging out from over his lips. 

"dude, it's fine. bro and i were tight. i loved the shit we got into." 

"I HAD A HARD TIME CONTROLLING MY LUSUS, BUT SOME OF THE SHIT YOU TALK ABOUT..." 

"it's his birthday."

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT-"

"i know. i know, okay, i know he was kind of shitty, and i thought about it every day he was alive, but he saved my fucking life in the game. he died because i fucked up with jack."

"FUCK. ALRIGHT, DAVE. LET'S JUST EAT THIS CAKE."

he doesn't even put sarcastic emphasis on the word "cake", he just says it and starts cutting that shit, lightly brushing your fingertips with the corners of his like he always does when he's out of things to say. 

today fucking sucks, and you can't stop crying, and you wish more than anything that bro could have met your boyfriend because he'd have been so pumped that you were gay for some weird motherfucking alien. maybe you should say that to karkat. yeah, stop moping, more romance. 

"hey, karkat, i wish you could've met my bro."

"YEAH. ME TOO. BUT I'LL GET TO MEET A VERSION OF HIM. AND I'M GOING TO KICK HIS ASS FOR PUTTING YOU THROUGH ALL THAT SHIT WHEN YOU WERE A KID."

"i'm gonna kick his ass, too."

this is the most disgusting cake you've ever eaten, which you guess is pretty fitting for the most depressing birthday party you've ever been to. but at least you've got karkat.   
...

the entire year you've been with him, karkat's always made secret trips to go see gamzee. they're not actually secret, though. he's terrible at lying to you, get's all sad and guilty, mumbles some excuses about where he's going and sulks off down the hall to attempt to reason with his batshit friend.   
you've never said anything about it. didn't think it would help. you're pissed at the clown, even now. you'd still love to cut off more than just his head for putting karkat through all that abusive shit. not to mention the utter terror you feel in small spaces after being trapped in the ventilation system for a few weeks. in your opinion, the troll deserves to die. 

but thats not how karkat feels, so you shut the fuck up about it. your boyfriend is becoming more and more frantic about the situation the closer you get to the new session. you guess you all are, really, it's just a divided line down the group between "let's kill him" and "we can fix him".   
you know a prick like that can't be fixed. he wasn't all fucking there to begin with. karkat will probably fall apart if he doesn't believe it, though. since all his other friends are dead and shit. turns out having a boyfriend doesn't fix all your problems or bring your friends back to life, just gives you a bit of a light in the void skaia left. 

and all of that is why you find yourself pointedly walking in the direction of clown jail, a place you haven't visited since you dragged karkat out of there last year. you know the little dude is there now, and it's about time you show him that you support him, even if you personally are more fond of clown killing. gamzee is karkat's decision. 

he's kneeling in front of the locked door, ear pressed up against it when you walk up. you know he hears you, but he doesn't turn around, just keeps banging his fist against the metal begging gamzee to respond. 

"COME ON YOU FUCKING JUGGALO, WE ALL KNOW YOU WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. YOU'VE GOT TO SMELL LIKE RAT PISS BY NOW, WE'VE FORCE FED YOU ENOUGH SOPOR SLIME TO KILL THE CONDESCE, JUST FUCKING QUIT IT YOU PIECE OF SHIT" 

cackling from inside the closet echos down the hall.

"whErEs mY hAnDs KaRkAt? yOu dO mE a FaVoR anD wE'll sEe mOthErFucKeR" 

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING RIGHT NOW GAMZEE? I'VE KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU COULD USE YOUR GRUBBY LITTLE CLAWS TO TYPE, THIS ISN'T WHO YOU ARE, JUST CUT IT THE FUCK OUT AND HELP YOUR FUCKING TEAMMATES" 

"tHaTs nOt wHaT mY mIrAclEs aRe abOuT anY moRe bRoThER. JoIN mY dArK CarNivAl" 

"DAVE"

he turns to you, crying, pale red liquid beading up in his eyelashes, trailing down his nose, onto his lips. seriously, fuck this clown. you walk over to him, make him face you, sit down in front of him with your legs spilling into his lap. 

"i don't know if we can do anything else for him on the meteor kar" 

he doesn't want to hear it, but he nods.

"I'VE BEEN READING ROSE'S BOOKS. THE PSYCHOLOGY ONES. I THINK A PRIORITY IN THE NEW SESSION, AFTER KILLING JACK, SHOULD BE MENTAL HEALTH. WE'RE ALL A FUCKING MESS, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US." 

he really wants to fix gamzee. shit. 

"don't read that shit too carefully, karks. get's pretty crazy talking about fucking your mom and stuff. don't want you thinking im all hot for my teen mom. or my teen bro." 

"DAVE, THAT IS THE MOST DISGUSTING SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD. AND I'D LIKE YOU TO KNOW I JUST SPENT AN HOUR TALKING TO A FUCKING CLOWN ABOUT DECAPITATION AND SOPOR SLIME VOMIT" 

you crack a smile, and so does he. he giggles, almost, through the yelling. 

the insane laughter from inside the closet gets louder, so you throw your hands on each side of karkat's head to make him focus on you.   
"listen, dude, even if juggalo fuck doesn't get better, the new session is gonna be fine. sollux and fairy chick will probably show up. there will be grass and shit. john'll be there." you leave out jade, because he's still a little fucking jealous. 

"WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH GAMZEE IF HE KEEPS JUST BEING A FUCKING CRAZY KILLER? I'D ALMOST UNDERSTAND IF HIS RELIGION OR WHATEVER MADE SENSE, BUT THIS IS THE MOST BULLSHIT THING I HAVE EVER HEARD. VRISKA KILLED TAVROS FOR REVENGE? SURE, WHY NOT. ERIDAN WAS TRYING TO GET BACK AT FEFERI? HE'S A TOOL, BUT AT LEAST THERE'S MOTIVE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH GAMZEE?"

"he's just this fucking metaphor for all religion dude. bullshit. his is just extra bullshit to really let the point sink in, you know?"

"SO WHAT DO I DO WITH HIM?"

he's really asking. 

"i don't know man, do what you always do. curse and yell." 

he rolls his eyes, but can't stop laughing. this is probably a pretty fucked up scene, some kid in a red cape puddled on top of a grey dude with horns, cracking the fuck up outside of a closet you've locked a handless juggalo in.

but, shit, would anything less fucked up even be worth it after all this?   
...

"we've been chillin on this meteor, oh shit i think it's been three years, skaia burning in the distance like this new session could make shit easier. but i've got a clown in my closet, troll hand in my back pocket, im just striding around with a vantas who cant get enough strider ass...." 

"SO WHAT THEN YOU WANT ME TO SING" 

"aw, karks, we've done this three times, that beat was sick just sing the shit i wrote for you" 

"IT'S JUST NOT BELIEVABLE THAT I'D BE TALKING ABOUT YOUR ASS THIS MUCH"

"dude are you serious"

"CAN'T I JUST SHIT TALK YOUR GLASSES OR SOMETHING"

"man this is a love song are you kidding"

"BLACK ROM, DAVE, GOD. AND BESIDES THEY BLOCK MY VIEW OF YOUR EYES."

"damn, didn't realize you were all gaga over these bad boys. when you're writing your friend fiction do you talk about dave striders big, entrancing, blood red orbs that just peer straight into your romantic troll heart?"

"FOR FUCKS SAKE, IN ONE FUCKING STORY I LOOSELY BASE THE CHARACTERS OFF A FEW OF MY FRIENDS..." 

"okay okay back to the song dude, we can switch up the lyrics if you want. let's look at this shit together. you usually ad lib your own shit, why don't you just try that"

"I DON'T DO THAT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE DAVE"

"yeah man that's why we're up here alone, we'll only record it if it's good" 

"OH, GOD, FINE, IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO LEAVE ME ALONE TILL I DO IT JUST HERE. LISTEN TO THIS MUSIC, I'VE BEEN SINGING THIS A TON, JUST ADD YOUR RAP IN AROUND THE GOOD PARTS." 

it's taken you, what, two years to convince him to sing in front of you? but the second you put in that ear bud and hear his raspy fucking voice up in soprano you're feeling like jelly, the same way you did when you were just crushing on the kid. everything about him is fucking perfect. the way he's sharing these headphones with you while belting out his voice into the veil, how he starts off not looking at you because he's nervous but ends up getting way too fucking into it the second the chorus picks up and has his eyes all scrunched closed, like he can physically feel every goddamn word he's saying. you barely even notice when the song ends, except this overwhelming feeling of disappointment that it's over. 

"WHAT? STOP STARING AT ME NUMB NUTS, WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE RAPPING OR SOME SHIT? DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHAT YOUR JOB IS HERE?"

you kiss him, full force of your weight pressing into him. his lips are cold from the air up here, his hands giving you goosebumps as the make their way to your neck. when you step away, it's only to tell him how beautiful his voice is. 

"I'M A FANTASTIC SINGER, WE KNEW THAT. BUT NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU START MAKING YOUR MUSIC SHIT IN FRONT OF ALL OUR FRIENDS. YOU CAN'T LOOK THAT HOT AND EXPECT ME TO KEEP MY HANDS OFF YOU DOUCHEBAG." 

he thinks your hot. he thinks your *this* hot. man, sometimes the meteor is pretty chill. 

"so let's just stay up here for awhile, make music, and make out?"

"I THOUGHT I WAS BEING PRETTY FUCKING OBVIOUS ABOUT WANTING THAT TO HAPPEN"

shit he's perfect.   
...

you're laying in your bed, sprawled out across karkat's legs staring up at your gameboy. he's got a book in his hands, but you have no idea what he's reading because you're still awful at alternian. you're ninety percent sure he's not actually reading, anyway, just anxiously staring at the words. that's essentially what you're doing with this zelda game. 

skaia became visible through the telescope outside the lab last night. you've been in meetings with the rest of the crew all day, clarifying battle strategy, helping vriska practice her mind-control on humans, preparing to deploy karkat's potentially-helpful virus. by tomorrow, you'll be in the new session.   
you're not sure why that feels so shitty. you've all been going a little nuts on this rock with only each other as company. you want to see grass, and sun, and stars, and john. you want to have new places to explore, new people to meet. 

except that you know exactly why you feel shitty. someone is probably going to die. the trolls might get torn apart from the humans once you destroy the game. you might not actually destroy the game. 

this could be your last night with karkat. 

and you're just sitting here on your gameboy like you have every other goddamn night for the past two years. you know karkat wants this to be something special, but you think making it more than the average night will freak him out more, make him feel like he's really going to lose you. you don't want him thinking that. but he might. he might fucking lose you, or you might lose him, and god, fuck skaia, fuck sburb, fuck everything that might take him away from you.

"man, i fucking just miss the beginning of this when all we had to deal with was clowns in vents and shit"

"THAT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY SHITTY DAVE. I HAD TO CUT MY BEST FRIEND'S HANDS OFF SO MY STUPID CRUSH WOULDN'T GET HIS HEAD BASHED IN"

"wait dude you had a crush on me? oh my god, that's hilarious."

"WE MADE OUT LIKE TEN SECONDS AFTER THAT JACK ASS" 

"oh my god this is so embarrassing for you. how long had you been in love with me karkles?"

"WE ARE NOT DOING THIS NOW"

"dude we are so doing this. we are in this. you've gotta tell me."

"HOLY HELL STRIDER, YOU KNEW I HAD A BLACK CRUSH ON YOU THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME, SHUT UP"

"the entire time? like, the entire time?"

"YOU FUCKING GOT ALL UP IN MY MEMOS, AND THEN TEREZI, AND YOU WERE BASICALLY COURTING ME IN THE LAB IN FRONT OF ROSE AND KANAYA. DID YOU SERIOUSLY NOT KNOW THAT?"

"oh my god you were trying to write me into the shipping chart. like not just with terezi you were actually writing me into your own fucking quadrants karkat what the fuck"

"WE'RE DATING DAVE, YOU CAN'T MAKE FUN OF ME FOR HAVING A CRUSH ON YOU WHEN I'M LITERALLY YOUR BOYFRIEND"

"dude. i can so make fun of you. wait, so, shit, when did you get red for me?"

"I DON'T KNOW, STRIDER. WE HUNG OUT ALL THE TIME, ALONE. QUADRANTS VACILLATE. AND APPARENTLY JUST FUCKING DISAPPEAR."

"fuck so you were just waiting for me to kiss you this whole trip? why the fuck didnt you make a move?"

"YOU WERE CLEARLY OBLIVIOUS TO THE ENTIRE THING." 

"i'd thought about kissing you. or, something."

"AFTER YOU KISSED ME IN MY ROOM THAT FIRST TIME, YOU LOOKED COMPLETELY FUCKING SURPRISED. SO I BACKED THE FUCK OFF AND LET YOU FIGURE SHIT OUT."

"yeah, well, when i kissed you the second time, you're the one who freaked out."

"PAST KARKAT REALLY THOUGHT QUADRANTS MATTERED"

"and now?" you ask, sitting up and placing yourself on his lap.

"HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING SO LITTLE ATTENTION YOU REALLY NEED ME TO ANSWER THAT YOU FUCKING DORK? OR DO YOU JUST ENJOY CONSTANT REMINDERS THAT YOUR STUPID STOIC CONFIDENCE COMPLETELY STRIPPED AWAY ALL THE ROMANTIC ASPECTS OF MY CULTURE?" 

"both" you reply, bending over to kiss him. 

it's honestly stupid that his lips moving against yours can still get your heart pounding this fast, give you butterflies the same way they did when you first kissed him two years ago. this isn't as aggressive as most of your kisses. you're pressing lightly into him, trying to memorize every crease in his skin, the way his nose brushes against yours, the toughness of the skin on his tongue. if this is going to be the last time, you need to remember it all, memorize him.   
he seems to have the same idea in his head, tracing his fingers lightly, slowly across your cheekbones, down your neck, onto your shoulders, grasping at your arms, your wrists, your hands. when you pause for a breath and both open your eyes, you don't dare move away from each other, you hover just in front of his mouth, tears welling up in both your eyes. 

"DAVE, WHAT IF..." he can't even finish the sentence, it's too fucking awful.

"no, no, no karkat, it's going to be fine, we're going to be fine, i promise, i fucking promise this isn't our last night together"

you don't know if you have the authority to make that kind of promise, but you fucking mean it. even if skaia fucks you over, kills him, throws him back to alternia, you'll tear apart every seam in the universe to get him back. you hope he knows that. 

he just looks angry now, throws himself back into you more passionately this time, raking his nails across your back and pulling you off of your knees so you're laying on top of him. you barely ever get to be on top. it's not that you're lazy or anything, he just really fucking likes to be in control, looking down on his sexy fucking conquest. you can't say you mind. still, it's nice when he gives in and let's you run things like this. 

you take full advantage of it, working off both of your tops, trailing kisses from behind his ear to his stomach. he shivers each time your lips meet his skin. you fucking love how warm he is against you, how easy it is to give him goosebumps. 

he pushes his hips up into you, and even through both sets of pants you can feel his bulge slithering around. you're pretty turned on, too, rock your pelvis down to meet his. the impatient twit takes it as a sign to start ripping off pants, and somehow ends up on top of you in the scuffle. you're both in your boxers and he's riding into you, bulge pushing forcefully against your clit. you wrap your legs around him to get at a better angle, pull his arms up towards your face and coax him into another kiss. 

you want to taste him so badly, but maybe tonight should be the night. you've done stuff before but, shit, you're both pretty fucking young still and you've never gone all the way. sure, maybe it's not the same cliche as prom night, but "we might both get murdered tomorrow" is the best you've got. 

you work your hands down his body, put your thumbs under the waist band of his boxers. he purrs as you brush past his sensitive skin, lifts his hips just long enough for you to slide them down his legs. he's always clumsy as hell when he tries to take off you boxers- little shit just gets too excited- so you do it yourself before he has the chance. 

normally, this is where he'd drop down between your legs, eat you out till you're cumming in waves. he's expecting this, makes the move to wiggle down, but you catch him by the hair and pull him back into your mouth. shit, his tongue feels good on your lips, in your mouth. his bulge is out completely, now, and you feel it whipping around between your thighs. it's got to be killing him not to touch it. you press your hips further into him, wrap your legs around his, give it something to move between. 

he gets turned the fuck on, starts grinding into you while his nails dig into your arms. your teeth keep mashing together in your messy kiss. every once in awhile, when you arch up into him just the right way, the base of his bulge slides against your clit as the tip slithers between your stomachs. you're both moaning and breathing hard and holy shit dry humping is fun. 

you're torn out of the moment when he yelps a little, picks his hips up and grabs his tenta-dong. 

"SHIT, IT KEEPS TRYING TO FUCKING GET INSIDE OF YOU, I'M SORRY." 

he makes another move to go eat you out, bulge wrapping around his fingers, but you stop him again.

"let's fucking do it karkat. get that mother fucker inside of me." '

you're hella romantic. 

"W-WHAT? FUCK, DAVE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE WAITING UNTIL..."

until you had a dick. yeah, maybe you always imagined yourself fucking him with your penis, but you don't have one right now, and you'd still really like to fuck him. 

"nah it's cool."

"DAVE THIS IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL"

"i mean, if you're not ready, thats fine karkat, i'll go down on you all fucking night and be happy. but tomorrow, we might fucking.... and i....want it to be..."

"I WANT IT TO BE YOU, TOO, DAVE." 

he lays on top of you again, more gently this time. you wrap your legs around his waist more confidently, and he lets his bulge play with your outsides. 

"DAVE, I LOVE YOU." 

"i love you too, karkat. now make love to me like i'm your maiden bride. make me-"

he shuts you up with his mouth, uses his hand to guide his bulge towards your vagina. it tickles at the entrance, and then some of it is inside of you, and he presses his hips into you when he hears you making happy noises and the whole thing is inside you and you're both just looking at each other like you're the only two people in the world while the tentacle twists and writhes inside of you. 

"DAVE, YOU, FU-UCK"

"yeah, shit, you too, okay, fuck."

"ARE YOU OKAY?"

"i am so much better than ok"

and then you're kissing again. 

his hips are right up against yours now, his little pubic grub scars massaging your clit as you both rub against each other. he's fucking huge inside of you, at least compared to to few fingers you're used to. he's doing the best he can to slow it down, ease you into it, but it's a little softer than a dick, more malleable, and it's not hurting you so much. mostly you want it to keep rubbing that spot- ahh- right fucking there.

"you dont have to be gentle, i want you, i want you"

and then he isn't, he's digging into you, bulge wriggling furiously, curling around your cervix, bending deep into your g-spot. his pubic grub scars (he calls them shame globes but you think that's dumb) are becoming enlarged, little lines filling with genetic fluid and making all of the motherfucking blood in your body run to your clit as they glide over it with more and more force. you're shaking, this feels so good. 

"DAVE, THIS IS... SO MUCH... I... LOVE YOU..." he breaks down into alternian after that, these guttural curses and growls mixed in with high pitched moans and shrieks as his works his bulge into the walls of your vagina. the skin on his tentacle is hot and slick, and shit it feels good that he can just stay completely inside of you while still fucking you senseless, just moving enough to grind against your clit. 

"kar...kat..." you're trying to get any kind of words out, but you're just a puddle of sex. you've got your hands on his ass, shoving him into you as hard as you can, and he's running his fingers through your hair. he pushed your glasses aside ages ago, and shit does he look good in full color. his eyes are closed, face buried in your neck, teeth extending into your skin whenever something starts to feel particularly good. you've never felt so close to the little shit before as you do now with him inside of you. you never want him to leave. 

oh, fuck, fuck, his bulge is filling with genetic material, he's gonna pail soon, and shit shit shit it feels good.

"DA-AVE" he grasps your shoulders, claws definitely drawing blood, and looks you dead in the eye. you feel liquid begin to pulse into you, squirting pretty violently. you're not sure if its the pressure of his orgasm or the noises that are pouring out of his mouth, but you instantly feel yourself tighten around him in waves, clitoris pulsing against his hot skin. you keep yourselves pressed against each other, riding out the orgasm until all you feel is the pulse of his bulge.   
he lays on top of you, catching his breath. eventually, his tenta-dick slides out of you and re-sheathes itself into his nook. shit, you meant to finger him which this was happening. next time. 

oh. 

there might not be a next time. 

you start crying first, pulling at his hair, his neck. the second you start, he's got his red tears dripping all over your face until he's back to shoving his head into the crook of your neck, claws still boring holes into your shoulders. you kind of hope his nails dig all the way to your heart, carve out a cavern in your chest for him to climb inside. you never fucking want him to be apart from you, just just want to keep him here, arms wrapped around each other, legs tangled together, more one body than two. you do not want tomorrow to happen, you just want to stay here forever, right here in this fucking moment. even god tier time powers can't keep him here with you. you're fucking powerless, and every second you're getting closer to the new session, and you can't fucking stand it, you very fucking suddenly cannot stand the way that time is dragging you away from this. 

"DAVE I CAN'T LOSE YOU"

i know, karkat. 

"DAVE, DON'T GET KILLED. DON'T CHASE JACK ALONE, DAVE, JUST STAY WITH ME TOMORROW, YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH ME THE ENIRE TIME"

i know, karkat. 

"PLEASE DON'T CHOOSE JADE OVER ME"

i know, karkat.

"I KNOW I SHOULD BE HAPPY TO GET OFF THIS ROCK, TO SEE SOLLUX, BUT I CAN'T, I DON'T WANT TO IF IT MEANS LOSING YOU"

i know, karkat.

"I'LL BRING DOWN SKAIA MYSELF IF IT SPLITS US UP."

i know, karkat.

"DAVE, FUCKING SAY SOMETHING, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU DAVE, YOU'RE JUST OKAY WITH THIS, YOU'RE JUST OKAY WITH THIS BEING THE END, I FUCKING HATE YOU"

"i love you, karkat"

"THAT DOESN'T FUCKING KEEP YOU WITH ME"

i know, karkat. 

but i can't fucking change that. 

if i could change that, i would fucking change that. 

"i love you, karkat"

"STOP, STOP, THAT ISN'T ENOUGH"

"karkat, i fucking love you. i love you, i love you"

"YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME DAVE, YOU CAN'T, YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT TOMORROW, WE HAVE TO END UP TOGETHER, I FUCKING DEMAND THAT YOU STAY THE FUCK ALIVE TOMORROW"'

"i love you, fuck, karkat, i love you, i love you, i love you"

"I FUCKING LOVE YOU TOO, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. YOU CAN'T DIE, YOU CAN'T, I LOVE YOU DAVE" 

you kiss him, tears mixing together inbetween you, both of you still murmuring "i love you" in between pecks. you're tired, and sore, and so fucking miserable, but god when you look at him on top of you nothing can stop a wave of warmth from filling your chest. 

"I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP. IT'S JUST WASTING OUR LAST FEW HOURS."

"i know man, but if we're gonna be on top of our game tomorrow..."

"I KNOW DAVE"   
'  
you don't remember actually falling asleep, but you wake up early to karkat still on top of you, shaking, crying, cursing. you wrap him in your arms, flip the both of you over so he's pinned underneath you. you grab his face, wipe his eyes till their dry, keep your palms on his cheeks as you talk. 

"karkat, i can't fucking promise you this is going to be okay. i will try so fucking hard not to die. i will try so fucking hard to keep you alive. i will stab the shit out of skaia trying to keep us together. if it puts us on different planets in different universes, i will fly the motherfuck to wherever you are, if i still can. i fucking promise i will try."

"DAVE, IT'S FUCKING SKAIA. I THINK WE BOTH KNOW WE'RE FUCKED."

"i don't know, man, i'm a little more optimistic than that shit, but even if i never see you again for whatever goddamn stupid reason the universe might throw at us, i'm always gonna love you dude. like, you could be eighty years old with some hot alien babe wife holding all your little grub grandkids, and i'd still love you more than anyone in the fucking world."

"THAT MAKES IT ABOUT A MILLION TIMES WORSE." 

"yeah, dude, i know."

"THE ENTIRE FUCKING REASON I DON'T WANT THIS TO END IS BECAUSE I KNOW THIS IS THE MOST I WILL EVER LOVE SOMEONE. IT WAS EASIER WITH TEREZI, YOU KNOW? I WAS MISERABLE, I GUESS, BUT IT DIDN'T FEEL LIKE EVERY FUCKING FIBER IN MY BODY WAS BEING TORN APART." 

"things could end up fine karkat. the magic of love and romance or some shit"

"THIS ISN'T A ROM-COM, DAVE."

"i dunno, bro, if anyone's life was gonna be a rom-com, it would be yours."

"FUCK YOU" 

"you already did, babe"

"GROSS" 

he shoves you off of him, instinctively, and you're both laughing a little. 

"oh, fuck karkat, i'm covered in your creepy alien jizz"

"YEAH I GUESS WE WERE PRETTY FUCKING STUPID NOT CLEANING OFF BEFORE BED"

"it was more romantic just stewing in our own juices i guess, really just soaking them all in, getting all sticky and-"

he slaps a hand over your mouth, hands you pants, and drags you off towards the bathroom while you continue on a muffled tangent about troll cum.   
...

for something so terrifying, skaia is actually pretty fucking beautiful. you're all up there on the surface of the meteor, rose leaning affectionately into kanaya, tz and vriska doing some weird creepy handshake, you holding hands with karkat and the mayor. 

"I Know We've Been Over This, But Is Everything Set? The Virus? Vriska?" 

"Don't woooooooorry so much, kanaya. We've pl8nned this for months." Vriska tells her, sticking out her tongue. 

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR THREE SECONDS? I'VE HAD TO LISTEN TO ALL OF YOU DICK FUCKERS CONSTANTLY FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS. WE ARE AS FUCKING PREPARED AS WE CAN BE. LET'S CLOSE OUR FUCKING NOISE HOLES FOR A BIT AND ENJOY HOW GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL SKAIA IS BEFORE IT TRIES TO KICK OUR ASSES AGAIN" 

he squeezes your hand tighter, pointedly looks away from you into the approaching light. you stare ahead with him. still, when the noise starts picking up, the light starts surrounding you, the meteor begins seeping back into reality, you lean in and whisper:

"i had the fucking time of my life with you karkat vantas." 

he still doesn't look at you, but you can see out of the corner of your gaze how huge his smile is. 

fuck, no matter what's about to happen, that makes everything okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yayyy comment if you want? i know it's not the best fanfic in the world but i hope it was fun for you at least :)  
> also wow so sorry that i have no idea how to write in vriska's voice like even a little bit. i mess up on most of the other characters too, but my god, i am not doing vriska justice, and i apologize.


End file.
